So, really then, what is changing? What has shifted? How am I different?
I have now completed the journey from Santiago, the first chakra of this journey, to Toulouse, the second chakra. I began the journey in October of 2010, and completed it two years later in October 2012. It is a long section of the Celtic Camino, approximately 1000 kilometers. As I visualize this journey from the first to second chakra on my own body, it also feels like a long journey, from my perineum up and around to my belly, the foundation of core and the trunk of my body. It also has felt the most weak, split open and unattended area of my body.
When I feel into my lower belly, it feels as though a zipper has been zipped up to my second chakra. The split I have referred to in past blogs is healing. What used to feel like a metal sieve - cold, holey, thin, weak, now feels like a warm pottery bowl. As I write this, I have been holding my hands out in front of me, the tips of my fingers open and facing each other about 6 inches apart. I then bring my hands and fingers together, and allow my fingers to slide in together. My fingers naturally fit next to each other, and create a woven, seamless basket made out of my hands being brought together. Can you imagine what I am describing? This is what my lower belly feels like - a woven, seamless basket of lovingly held and cohered energy. Even the basket, or the bowl feels warm, strong and solid in and of itself. Both the container and the container feel strong, clear, and full of energy and love!
I do not remember ever feeling this before. It's a new experience for me. I have something in me and of myself that feels different. I have a base, a place from which to root myself that is about me. That's it. My sense of rootedness and belonging now belongs to me, within me. It is no longer outside of myself. All of my life I have looked outside of myself, to my family, friends, school, society, to tell me who to be, how to be, what I want, how I should look...and I worked desperately hard at trying to do it all the way I thought I was supposed to. Now, my compass can look within and actually have a place to point to!! And, I can viscerally feel the difference.
I had been told years ago that I had no core, no sense of self. I couldn't get it...what does that mean? With no sense of self, I couldn't even understand what having no sense of self meant! I was given homework to go for a walk by myself in nature 6 days a week for 45 minutes. I am recognizing that even then, 24 years ago, walking was a huge part of my healing and coming home to myself. I hadn't even put that together before. Walking. In nature. With myself. Wow.
Walking has always been in me. When I was in my early 20's and living in England, I remember saying to myself that I wanted to walk the Devon/Cornwall coast when I was older and retired. At that point, that meant in my 60's! But it did mean that I was healthy, strong and vibrant enough - and able to walk - when I was "old"!! Hehe! Now, being older looks more like when I am in my 70's and 80's, but isn't it interesting that even then, the one dream I had for myself as an older person was to be able to walk this coastal path?
I have allowed these 3 months of being home to be a time of allowing and integration. I have learned from past Caminos that it takes time to come home, and for the lessons and gifts of the journey to reveal themselves. No rushing, no pushing here. Reminds me of a paragraph from Gifts from the Sea, by Anne Morrow Lindbergh.
But it must not be sought for - heaven forbid! - dug for. No, no dredging of the sea-bottom here. That would defeat one's purpose. The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient. To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith. Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches. One should lie empty, open, choiceness as a beach - waiting for a gift from the sea.
So, while waiting for my gifts from the path, I have been fully engaged in my life, with my family, my business, and open to guidance, clarity, and direction. I have been writing, learning, listening, responding. I have also been very, very clear about what I want. I have been allowing and feeling my desires and longings. I am no longer willing to put them aside and forget about them. My desires have become my compass, and they are deeply rooted in who I am, what I want, and why I am here on this Earth, at this time, right now. They are actually the source of my power and my willingness, capacity and ability to create a life a value, meaning and contribution.
What do I want?
I want to live in England. I want to move back and forth between the US and the UK with grace and ease, and no jet lag! I want to be paid to live in both countries, to put down roots in both countries, to create my life around both/and. I was born in England, moved here when I was nearly 3, and have spent my life in the US. But I feel deeply at home and connected to England. I wanna go home!
This is my big, deep desire and everything else falls under this, is created out of this. I see it like an umbrella, containing and giving shape, purpose and direction to everything else that I am about.
There is something so powerful about allowing myself to truly, deeply want this, desire it, long for it. In the past, I would want it, then forget about it, be talked out of it, and let it go. How crazy, impractical, expensive is wanting to live in England. I mean, really. Why would you want to live in England?
Because my heart and soul long for it with every cell of my being. I feel more at home in England than I do anywhere. The second that I stepped on the soil of England back in 2009, I felt this wave of "at-homeness" wash over me. I thought "this is crazy" - I'm in a train station in Kent. My roots aren't even from around here. They're in Cornwall, Somerset and Northumberland...but I'll tell you, this feeling, sensation, experience of being at home was with me the entire time I spent in England that year. Every moment, every step, every interaction, every shift of the gear with my left hand!! I may sound American, but I deeply, cellularly English.
No wonder I have experienced a questioning of belonging and fitting in. One of the gifts of these past 3 months has been to uncover in a very deep way the shadow side of my needing and wanting to belong, and how it has shaped and informed many of my choices and decisions. Becoming aware of this had actually freed me up from its grip. And today, I choose to belong to myself, and to be anchored and guided by my desires and longings.
Because this is what I've learned - what we desire, desires us. Our desires are the yellow arrows of the Camino, directing and guiding us along our life's path. It is listening to and honoring these arrows of desire that actually point us clearly in the direction of our soul's purpose, the reason we are here and how we most clearly offer and share our gifts, and be of service to this beautiful planet and her people. It's all right here, in us, in our hearts and souls. We just have to listen, honor and allow them to be. Because they will direct and guide us. They do show us the way, step by step.
I now belong to my Self. I have come home to myself, and am deeply rooted in my connection to Source, Spirit. It's not about England or America. It's not even about my family of origin, or my family by design. It's about me, and from this core of belonging to me, I no longer have to prove, defend, explain or enroll. I live my life in alignment with the yellow arrows of my heart and soul, and from this, I am the kind, caring, loving and compassionate person I've always longed to be. I am at peace within myself, and so am at peace with the world around me.
I knew that longing was somehow transforming my relationship to belonging. The word "longing" is even inside of "belonging." And then I saw a quote from Tara Brach in Radical Acceptance:
Longing, felt fully, carries us to belonging.
As I continue to bring full circle the gifts, lesson, invitations, and healing of the pilgrimage of initiation from the first chakra at Santiago to the second chakra at Toulouse, I recognize that it has been a nearly 4 year journey to come home to myself and my desires and longings, to belong to myself. This is my core. This is the essence of who I truly am. And it is from this core, rooted in my feet, my first chakra and my heart, that my life can then spiral out from a deep connection to what is real, true and loving, and how I can most generously, sustainably and authentically be of service and contribution. It is the paradox of when I am most connected to myself that I can be of the highest service to others. And as Carolyn Myss says, when "paradox is present, so is the Divine."
Suseya!
