Friday, May 17, 2013

15 Days...The Spiral Is...


The symbol of the Wise Woman tradition is a spiral.
A spiral is a cycle as it moves through time.
A spiral is movement around and beyond a circle, 
always returning to itself, 
but never at exactly the same place. 
Spirals never repeat themselves.

The symbol of the Wise Woman tradition is the spiral.
The spiral is the bubbling cauldron.
The spiral is the curl of the wave.
The spiral is the lift of the wind.
The spiral is the whirlpool of water.
The spiral is the umbilical cord.
The spiral is the great serpent.
The spiral is the path of the earth.
The spiral is the twist of the helix.
The spiral is the spin of our galaxy. 
The spiral is the soft guts.
The spiral is the labyrinth.
The spiral is the womb-moon-tide mobius pull.
The spiral is your individual life.
The spiral is the passage between worlds: 
birth passing into death passing into birth.
The path of enlightenment is the spiral dance of bliss.

The symbol of the Wise Woman Tradition is a spiral.
Twelve is the number of established order.
One step beyond is thirteen, the wild card, 
the indivisible prime, the number of change.
Walk a spiral, you will inevitably come 
to the unique next step, the unknown, 
the thirteenth step, the opportunity for change, 
the window of transformation.
The thirteenth step creates the spiral.

Susun Weed

Thursday, May 16, 2013

17 Days...Jitters and Feeling Unsure

I haven't written for several days.  I notice that I do this when I feel nervous, scared and unsure about what I am doing, how I am doing it, and the results that I am getting.

My belly is full of jitters...I keep taking small steps forward...most of the time.

I noticed yesterday that when I am doing what I've been guided to do, which is walk, share KeenFit Pole Walking with people - lead pole walking clinics, support people to order KeenFit poles, plant seeds for future classes and ways of sharing walking poles, such as through different organizations - then I feel clear, confident, aligned and connected.  When I deviate from this, I feel scared, anxious and unsure.

When I see this, my mind kicks in and tells me that it's because I'm stretching and opening up to new possibilities that I am feeling scared and anxious.  That this is good - good for me and blah, blah, blah.

When I feel good, and connected, it's because I am in my comfort zone, and that while it may be fun and feel good, it's not going to generate and create the results that I want, and most certainly, won't bring in any money.

As I write this, I am feeling how money is really one of my biggest saboteurs, and wants to lure me away from my truth and resonance.

Interesting to notice...

Gotta go...time to get ready for teaching a group of senior citizens pole walking...LOVE THIS!!

Saturday, May 11, 2013

22 Days Until England! Cornwall Calls.

Friday morning...my father arrives today for a 10 day visit.

My father is 80 years old, and he is writing a novel.  His first.  The Miner and the Viscount.  And I know it's not his last.  It's become the first in a trilogy, The Cornish Chronicle, a series of historical fiction novels based in 18th and 19th century Cornwall.

My father's family is Cornish, and he grew up in Liskeard, in the eastern half of Cornwall, not far from Plymouth.  My grandfather, "Granfer" was the editor of the Cornish Times.  He then went on to school in Bristol and then onto Oxford University where he read History.  I love that through writing these novels he gets to integrate his Cornish heritage and roots with his love of history and storytelling.



Last fall, he spent several weeks in Cornwall, exploring the sites and settings of his novel, such as the mines, manor homes, and pubs so that he could bring a real life quality to his writing and descriptions.  I had just completed walking the next section of my Celtic Camino walk in France, and timed it so that I could come over to England, meet my husband in London, and then come down to Cornwall to be with my father and stepmother.  While I was there, we visited Lanhydrock, a beautiful estate home south of Bodmin, Lostwithiel and Restormel Castle, Polperro as well as Liskeard, Wadebridge, and Polzeath on the north coast where my father had many of his summer holidays as a child.

He spent this winter re-writing and editing his novel, and including his hands on experiences of these places into his novel.  It should be done this summer, with a view to self publish it at first.  It's a great read, and very interesting and real.  You can hear the miner's deep Cornish accents in their conversations, the homes of the "viscounts" has come to life since the edited descriptions have been included, and best of all, you get an exciting, interesting, dramatic yet real experience of life in 18th century Cornwall.   His dream is for it to become a popular and much loved PBS mini-series, perhaps something like Downton Abbey!

Last October was my first visit to Cornwall in over 30 years.  I spent a little time there when I lived in England for a year back in 1981-82, when I visited my Great Auntie Hilda in Wadebridge, and went to Port Isaac with my dear friend, Diana.  While I knew that I wanted to spend my time in England more in the south where my families are from - Dad's family from Cornwall, and my mother's family from Somerset, I somehow forgot that was what I wanted, and ended up spending most of time in London and up in northwest England with my boyfriend's family.  As I look back, I have to accept that it was all good, and that if I had been ready and able to deeply reconnect with my roots and ancestors, I would have.   Perhaps it is something that I really need to long for and desire that is making it so important and essential for me to claim and own it for myself now.

No more giving it away.   No more grafting myself on to other's roots, dreams, ideas of who I should and can be.

I am going home to walk the sacred and ancient pilgrimage paths of Cornwall and southwest England to reconnect with my roots, my heritage, my ancestors, my people, my land.

I want to have my own deep roots, connected on one end to the core of the Earth through the land of my peoples and connected on the other end into my core.

I am rooted, connected, alive and nourished.  I know who I am.  I trust who I am.  I trust my Self.  I know when I am on my path, and when I am not.  I have the courage, awareness, and strength to know that right now, I am a pilgrim who walks to come home to herself.  


Thursday, May 9, 2013

24 Days to England - Matter Matters


It’s not deep pockets that we need in order to manifest, but deep roots. It’s quite simple: The more grounded you are, the more easily you can manifest. Roots have both a masculine and feminine quality. On the masculine side, they penetrate the earth, pushing their way downward between rocks and soil. The feminine aspect of roots is receptive, drawing nourishment and moisture up from the earth to feed the plant. You must be able to do both— to hold your ground, deeply penetrating “what’s so” with your intention to create “what’s possible,” while also receiving support and nourishment from the world.  

Anodea Judith PhD, ; Lion Goodman, Creating on Purpose (p. 211)

This is why I leave in 24 days to walk in England  - to connect with my deep roots.  I have lived my life and worked really hard to manifest, to act as if "matter matters", but it's like my container for holding and building is like a sieve.  It is filled with holes, so that all comes in leaks out without my fully receiving it and using it to create and manifest.  It feels like I don't actually get to the boiling point of full, complete manifestation.  The energy leaks out before I get to receive the joy of fully completing a project or intention, as though I don't know how to contain or fully receive it.

Today is my daughter's 19th birthday.  Funnily, enough she was born minutes ago - 5:19am - after an intense labor.  I had dilated quickly, but pushed for over 3 hours.  As I woke up this morning and reflected on being in labor, I remembered that I had pushed hard, yet very ineffectively for such a long time that I swelled up in a way that I didn't know was possible.  I could barely close my legs after my daughter was born.

Two aspects of this labor are relevant here.  One is that while I thought I was pushing hard, I was actually working really hard, yet avoiding the kind of pushing that would go deep under the pain and effectively push the baby out.  I worked really hard to avoid the intensity of bringing the baby down into the "ring of fire."  I was terrified of that level of sensation and pain.  I have created many ways to avoid intensity in my life.  How we do anything is how we do everything.  How I birth is how I live.  I would rather drag something on that go into the heart of the matter, get really intense, clear, focused and   committed.  Hmm.  Don't like seeing or revealing that one, at all.  So in this birth, I pushed for a really long time, got painfully swollen and also became very frustrated and felt powerless to push my baby out.  I didn't even know that I could do it another way.  I was doing it the way I knew how, at the time. I didn't even know that there was a place that I was avoiding, a place that I could choose to go.  In my following two births, I got to experience both being aware of this intense "ring of fire", and actually choosing to go there and go through it.

Synchronicity - today is a full solar eclipse, also referred to as the ring of fire.  I experience it as the point at which what wants to be birthed into experience stretches you to the maximum and transmutes you into a bigger, better, version of who you truly are.  It is the moment of transformation when the fire burns through all that no longer serves and creates a pathway to receive and allow the new.



The other aspect of this birth that was so revealing was that after my daughter's head was born, my body stopped pushing.  It was as though all the pushing I had done to get her this far was as far as I could go.  I had to go into "manual" pushing where I literally had to use my mind and will to push here out, with no assistance from my body.  My body quit, and it seemed like an eternity for her body to born.   Subsequently, because my uterus was no longer contracting, I hemorrhaged a lot of blood.  I just leaked out all of the energy from giving birth.  I could not contain it.  It felt as though my life force was just draining out of me.  It was.  My blood pressure went down to 50/0.  I was given drugs so that my uterus would contract and the bleeding would stop.  I was given several bags of saline.  The midwife painfully pinched the soles of my feet to keep me awake and in my body.   And I didn't really notice how drained I felt...I just felt warm and oozy.

I hemmorhaged on some level at each of my births.  I either bled out blood, or bled out energy, or bled out both.  With my first son, I bled out blood and some energy.  With my first daughter, I severely bled out both.  With my second son, I bled out energy and no blood.  With my second daughter, I bled out blood, but no energy.  

I had no container to hold the energy, or to receive the energy from giving birth.  Giving birth is a profound experience.  As birthing women, we get to experience the ancient wisdom and power of our bodies taking over and bringing a baby into this world.  We cannot think our ways through this experience.   We cannot give birth without our bodies, and allowing its wisdom to take over and be in charge of this process.  In this, we also get to experience the Divine and Sacred Feminine moving through us, using our bodies as a vehicle to bring in and birth life.  This is profoundly transformative.

Yet I could not contain or fully receive the energy, power and empowerment from these experiences.  I got to experience a taste of it, only to leak it  out of me, leaving me depleted on a deeply physical and energetic level.  I then didn't have this energy to use and transform myself into a powerful, creative, goddess woman and mother.  I was back in survival mode, using everything I had to take care of my baby, and children, and giving myself just enough to be able to do this.  

Had I been connected to my deep roots, not only would I have not leaked out and hemmorhaged this sacred birthing energy, I also would have had the energy to root even more deeply to fully receive this birthing, feminine energy and would/could been deeply nourished and transformed by its deep wisdom and power. My container would have become stronger, more polished and even more cauldron-like!  I would have believed in my capacity to bring to life and birth my dreams.  

Here I am today, 19 years after the birth of my first daughter, and nearly 12 years after the birth of my last child.  My children are amazing beings, each of them in their unique and beautiful way.  I am so honored and delighted to be their mother.   I firmly believe that my children are not of me, but that they chose to come through me.  

My dreams, longings, and soul's desires are of me, and through me.  Without me, they will not and cannot come through.
"What I desire, desires me"
It desires, and needs me to call it forth, and bring it forth into this world.   It is time. Enough avoiding the intensity, to power, the deep yearnings I feel inside of me.  Enough leaking out my power and my capacity and ability to manifest and create.  I am done with this.  Done.

I go to walk my path to connect with my tap root, to plug it back into the seat of my soul, to plug the leak, and to make my cauldron whole and complete again. 

The time is now for me to reclaim and reconnect with MY roots, my tap root.  I am so deeply desiring to manifest and create in this world, and contribute in a powerful, and meaningful way to the new world that is emerging.  I have to believe that my contribution is necessary and worthy, just as I believe that everyone's is, and to contribute my piece.

I have to be willing to walk my path, root myself, ground myself, contain myself so that I can build my capacity to receive, create, and contain, thereby increasing my ability to make solid and create form, speak my truth, claim for myself, and honor and birth what I truly, deeply long for and desire.  

Walk my Path ~ Weave my Dreams ~ Live MY Purpose.  

Solvitur Ambulando!*

*it is solved through walking