It’s not deep pockets that we need in order to manifest, but deep roots. It’s quite simple: The more grounded you are, the more easily you can manifest. Roots have both a masculine and feminine quality. On the masculine side, they penetrate the earth, pushing their way downward between rocks and soil. The feminine aspect of roots is receptive, drawing nourishment and moisture up from the earth to feed the plant. You must be able to do both— to hold your ground, deeply penetrating “what’s so” with your intention to create “what’s possible,” while also receiving support and nourishment from the world.
- Anodea Judith PhD, ; Lion Goodman, Creating on Purpose (p. 211)
This is why I leave in 24 days to walk in England - to connect with my deep roots. I have lived my life and worked really hard to manifest, to act as if "matter matters", but it's like my container for holding and building is like a sieve. It is filled with holes, so that all comes in leaks out without my fully receiving it and using it to create and manifest. It feels like I don't actually get to the boiling point of full, complete manifestation. The energy leaks out before I get to receive the joy of fully completing a project or intention, as though I don't know how to contain or fully receive it.
Today is my daughter's 19th birthday. Funnily, enough she was born minutes ago - 5:19am - after an intense labor. I had dilated quickly, but pushed for over 3 hours. As I woke up this morning and reflected on being in labor, I remembered that I had pushed hard, yet very ineffectively for such a long time that I swelled up in a way that I didn't know was possible. I could barely close my legs after my daughter was born.
Two aspects of this labor are relevant here. One is that while I thought I was pushing hard, I was actually working really hard, yet avoiding the kind of pushing that would go deep under the pain and effectively push the baby out. I worked really hard to avoid the intensity of bringing the baby down into the "ring of fire." I was terrified of that level of sensation and pain. I have created many ways to avoid intensity in my life. How we do anything is how we do everything. How I birth is how I live. I would rather drag something on that go into the heart of the matter, get really intense, clear, focused and committed. Hmm. Don't like seeing or revealing that one, at all. So in this birth, I pushed for a really long time, got painfully swollen and also became very frustrated and felt powerless to push my baby out. I didn't even know that I could do it another way. I was doing it the way I knew how, at the time. I didn't even know that there was a place that I was avoiding, a place that I could choose to go. In my following two births, I got to experience both being aware of this intense "ring of fire", and actually choosing to go there and go through it.
Synchronicity - today is a full solar eclipse, also referred to as the ring of fire. I experience it as the point at which what wants to be birthed into experience stretches you to the maximum and transmutes you into a bigger, better, version of who you truly are. It is the moment of transformation when the fire burns through all that no longer serves and creates a pathway to receive and allow the new.
The other aspect of this birth that was so revealing was that after my daughter's head was born, my body stopped pushing. It was as though all the pushing I had done to get her this far was as far as I could go. I had to go into "manual" pushing where I literally had to use my mind and will to push here out, with no assistance from my body. My body quit, and it seemed like an eternity for her body to born. Subsequently, because my uterus was no longer contracting, I hemorrhaged a lot of blood. I just leaked out all of the energy from giving birth. I could not contain it. It felt as though my life force was just draining out of me. It was. My blood pressure went down to 50/0. I was given drugs so that my uterus would contract and the bleeding would stop. I was given several bags of saline. The midwife painfully pinched the soles of my feet to keep me awake and in my body. And I didn't really notice how drained I felt...I just felt warm and oozy.
I hemmorhaged on some level at each of my births. I either bled out blood, or bled out energy, or bled out both. With my first son, I bled out blood and some energy. With my first daughter, I severely bled out both. With my second son, I bled out energy and no blood. With my second daughter, I bled out blood, but no energy.
I had no container to hold the energy, or to receive the energy from giving birth. Giving birth is a profound experience. As birthing women, we get to experience the ancient wisdom and power of our bodies taking over and bringing a baby into this world. We cannot think our ways through this experience. We cannot give birth without our bodies, and allowing its wisdom to take over and be in charge of this process. In this, we also get to experience the Divine and Sacred Feminine moving through us, using our bodies as a vehicle to bring in and birth life. This is profoundly transformative.
Yet I could not contain or fully receive the energy, power and empowerment from these experiences. I got to experience a taste of it, only to leak it out of me, leaving me depleted on a deeply physical and energetic level. I then didn't have this energy to use and transform myself into a powerful, creative, goddess woman and mother. I was back in survival mode, using everything I had to take care of my baby, and children, and giving myself just enough to be able to do this.
Had I been connected to my deep roots, not only would I have not leaked out and hemmorhaged this sacred birthing energy, I also would have had the energy to root even more deeply to fully receive this birthing, feminine energy and would/could been deeply nourished and transformed by its deep wisdom and power. My container would have become stronger, more polished and even more cauldron-like! I would have believed in my capacity to bring to life and birth my dreams.
Here I am today, 19 years after the birth of my first daughter, and nearly 12 years after the birth of my last child. My children are amazing beings, each of them in their unique and beautiful way. I am so honored and delighted to be their mother. I firmly believe that my children are not of me, but that they chose to come through me.
My dreams, longings, and soul's desires are of me, and through me. Without me, they will not and cannot come through.
"What I desire, desires me"It desires, and needs me to call it forth, and bring it forth into this world. It is time. Enough avoiding the intensity, to power, the deep yearnings I feel inside of me. Enough leaking out my power and my capacity and ability to manifest and create. I am done with this. Done.
I go to walk my path to connect with my tap root, to plug it back into the seat of my soul, to plug the leak, and to make my cauldron whole and complete again.
The time is now for me to reclaim and reconnect with MY roots, my tap root. I am so deeply desiring to manifest and create in this world, and contribute in a powerful, and meaningful way to the new world that is emerging. I have to believe that my contribution is necessary and worthy, just as I believe that everyone's is, and to contribute my piece.
I have to be willing to walk my path, root myself, ground myself, contain myself so that I can build my capacity to receive, create, and contain, thereby increasing my ability to make solid and create form, speak my truth, claim for myself, and honor and birth what I truly, deeply long for and desire.
Walk my Path ~ Weave my Dreams ~ Live MY Purpose.
Solvitur Ambulando!*
*it is solved through walking
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