Over the weekend I had an awareness that I would like to explore here and see what it opens up for me.
The awareness is this:
I have identified myself primarily by money.
Do I have it? How much? What does this mean in terms of how successful a person I am? Every decision is colored by money. How powerful do I feel? How confident do I feel? How successful do I feel? When I am around people, what is the primary filter that I use to gauge my relationship with them – how much money do they have, how much money do I have, how successful are they with their money, how successful am I with my money? How good am I?
My self-worth is based on how much money I have, how well I manage it, and how capable I am of earning it/spending it wisely/investing it.
All of which I have not done at all well with – which then reflects my low level of self-worth.
All of which I have not done at all well with – which then reflects my low level of self-worth.
I have been trying to increase my self-worth by increasing my money, by improving my relationship with money, by earning more money, by managing my money, by being more responsible with money. It feels like trying to fill the well from the outside, but there’s a major leak in the well, and it just keeps going out as fast as it comes in. The well cannot be filled, so it’s an endless and crazy game. No matter how much I put in there, it leaks out. And it clearly affects my ability to earn, receive, cultivate money on my own, so it’s always someone else’s money, which effectively increases the leaking as well.
My lack of self-worth is the split. As I was writing the above paragraph, I realized that I was back to the split. The major leak in my well, in my belly, is the split. My lack of self-worth, of loving myself, is the cause of the split. The split is the result of my low self worth. No wonder embracing your worth – embellying my worth – is at the core of my work, the foundation of Own It, Sister. This is the work. This is the task, and the journey.
I keep trying to fix the leak with money, or thinking that money will fix the split, so that then I can feel whole, empowered and successful.
I put money first, when I should be putting myself first. I have put all this energy into money, and my relationship with money, when I could have been giving myself this attention, and time, and love, and caring.
Everything keeps leading me back to home, to myself.
It’s not about the money. It’s not about anything outside of myself. I have made it all about the money.
It’s funny. While writing this, I have felt tired, distracted, and unfocused. I know that I am onto something here, and that this may be the elephant in the closet. This just may be the piece I have been avoiding. As long as I focused on the money, it kept me busy chasing, managing, working really hard, looking good, and at the same time, disempowered, frustrated, challenged, chasing, looking outside of myself. How convenient.
It’s not about the money.
It’s about me.
I’ve got to love myself. I get to love myself, simply because I am me. Not because of what it may bring me, how much money I may earn. It’s not at all about what will happen because I love myself. It’s that I get to love myself because I love myself, because I am me. Period.
For who I am, not for what I do or for what I have.
For me being me, loving me, accepting me…all of me, the dark and the light parts of me; the lovable and the not-so-lovable reflections of me.
Because I was not loved and accepted by people who had money, I have unconsciously made it that “I will be loved, and will be lovable, when I have money” but I never loved myself enough to have the money to be loved by anyone else. Then there’s the whole crazy part that it’s not about the money anyway. I could never even fulfill my own set of rules because I didn’t love myself in the first place anyway, so everything became a self-fulfilling prophecy. They don’t love me because I don’t have money à I don’t have money because they don’t love me. I don’t love me ß I don’t have money. I don’t have money à I don’t love me.
Kind of convoluted, eh? No matter which I way I look at it, it always about the money. And yet I’ve done everything to not make it about the money, so I’ve made it about debt instead.
The depth of the debt reflects the depth of my lack of self-love and acceptance. Debt reflects lack of money; lack of self-wroth reflects lack of self love and acceptance. Money reflects love, and worth.
I have been acting like the little girl who’s been told that “you will never be one of us.” How I interpreted this is that “I will never be loved, or be good enough (rich enough, wealthy enough, have enough money) to be like them and be loved. I am unlovable. I am poor. Poor little girl. Poor me.
Given my growing up in a very rich area of town, money was everywhere, even though no one spoke about it. It was the unspoken litmus test, and either you were acidic or not. Either you ranked and counted, or you didn’t. Underneath it all, it was all about the money. Who you are, and who you aren’t. What you did and what you didn’t do. What you had and what you didn’t have. It was all about the money.
So I decided it wasn’t, and couldn’t be, all about the money. And have tried to live accordingly.
Unfortunately, on a deeper, less conscious level, it was all about the money. My very being and whether or not I was successful, loved, capable, was all about the money and how much of it I have had or not.
This reflects the split too. Oh my god. It’s all about the money / it’s nothing about the money. And to prove this to you, I’ll go out and just create a lot of debt to show you it’s not about the money. That I can do what I want and not have it be about the money.
Because when I recognize this relationship I have created about money, and how who I am depends on money, and then when I recognize how I have not been able to earn, receive, generate my own money, and that I have had to depend on my husband, debt, parents, etc to fund my dreams and my life, I then get to see reflected back at me how little I respect, honor, accept and love myself………
And that sucks. It hurts. It’s painful. And this is the place I have been avoiding. Ohhhh, I’m getting sleepy again.
Avoiding until now…now it is time to go into my belly and embrace my worth. I feel kind of nauseous as I write this. And scared. And confused…like I don’t know how to do this.
I am standing on the edge of the split looking down into the cavern. How do I make the choice to go into the cavern? What do I need to jump?
Suseya!
Sahara
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