The Land Down Under

My belly is my wealth.  My belly holds my worth.  My belly holds my pain.  My belly holds my power.

To feel my power, I have to feel my pain.

To feel my pain, I have to be willing to experience myself in my body.

To experience myself in my body, I have to be willing to love myself.

To love myself, I have to be willing to care about myself.

To care about myself, I have to be willing to believe that I matter.

To believe that I matter, I have to be willing that I am of value.  That I am valuable.  That I am lovable.  That I have intrinsic value simply because I AM.

Not because of what I do, or how I make someone else feel, or how I look, or how I respond.

Simply because I am.  I am here in this body, in this life, having a human experience.

And I have split off from myself way back up at the top - I have not been willing to feel my pain.  I stuff it down in my belly, down under the horizontal split line between my heart and my womb.  Like the Earth, I have my own equator and a different world in the southern hemisphere than the northern one.  The northern hemisphere is the masculine and mind - the head.  The southern hemisphere is the feminine and the womb - the belly. The heart connects the two worlds, yet to connect them, one must be willing to feel, to grieve, to cry, to laugh, to love deeply.  And to love deeply one must be willing to live deeply - from the womb, from the belly.

As I have been doing my "healing the split" exercises, my belly is getting larger.  LARGER!  I can't believe it.  I feel like I must be the only person in the world who is doing the exercises consistently AND WHOSE BELLY IS GETTING LARGER rather than smaller.

Last night I realized that of course it is.  I stuff my pain into my belly.  In the past, the pain - and the power, could leak out.  I had a built in pressure equalizer.  I never had to feel too much because the pressure valve would always release the energy when it got to intense in my belly.  I have this image of a pressure cooker when I hold the pressure valve open to release the pressure when I am ready to open the pan.  Steam shoots out with such a force because the cooker has been tightly sealed.

My belly's seal is becoming tighter.  As I heal the split, the pressure is building and my belly is becoming larger.  When I first started this process, I was worried about sealing up the pain and the shame in my belly.  I realize now that I have to seal up my belly for the pressure to build so that I can, and will, actually feel the pain so that I can heal.  Heal the pain, release the shame.  Up until now, it has all just been able to exist within me at a level that I have become used to - like a low grade fever.  If the pain cannot leak out the split, then it has to come up through my heart so that I can  feel it and become conscious of it, and then express it through my throat.  It feels like there is a giant boulder blocking the path from my womb to my heart, and my detour and default has been to leak out the intensity through the split, and in doing so, avoid my heart and my throat.  Now, the pressure is building and the opportunity is to remove the boulder with the pressure from my belly and clear the path to my heart and throat, creating a direct, open, integrated and loving connection between my heart and womb.

This is the journey on the Celtic Camino between Toulouse (2nd chakra) and Paris (4th chakra).

I have to walk the Celtic Camino.  I have to walk from Santiago to Toulouse this fall.  Oh my god...I have to do this.  I have to...get to...be willing to do this now, and not put it off until next spring.  I have to begin this journey now.  I have to ....get to...believe that I matter enough to make this pilgrimage.

I keep thinking that I have to do the WEALTHYwoman Workshops so that I can lead the pilgrimages.  NO.  I have to make the pilgrimage so that I can lead the WEALTHYwoman Workshops.  I keep having it backwards.  I have to embelly my worth, embelly my wealth and AS  I do, I can lead and guide other women to do the same. 

I think that I have to believe that I matter enough and have enough money so that I can commit and schedule the Celtic Camino when actually, I have to...get to.. walk the Celtic Camino to cultivate my love and caring for myself. 

I have to breathe into this one.  Breathe... Feel...Accept...Love...Expand.

Suseya!
Sahara