The Dance with the Feminine

Annegret, Colocha, Sarah and Sharon Sofia at Joyful Journey Hot Springs

I returned from Joyful Journey late yesterday afternoon.  It was a joyful journey, filled with deep connections and rich conversations with my Costa Rica sisters, Sharon Sofia who lives here in Boulder,  Annegret, who's German and has lived in Costa Rica for the past 20 or so years, and now also lives in Colorado half the year, and Colocha (Waltraub) who's from Austria and has lived in a small Caribbean beach town ever since she traveled down the long, unpaved road to visit there 30 years ago and runs the beautiful Chimuri Beach Cottages. I first met Annegret and Colocha when I traveled there with Sharon nearly 4 years ago to participate in the first Soulsong board meeting. It was the most feminine board meeting in which I have ever participated, as we met at different times over the week, on the beach, at our cottage, as we walked on the Cabinas Black Sands Beach, and even as we traveled to Bastimentos Island in Panama to meet with the local indigenous Ngobe women to explore creating a cottage industry with them to make Sharon's beautiful Angel dolls.  The meetings were fluid, productive, creative, unstructured, and organic.  Look at the Angel dolls the Ngobe women created.

 

I am blessed to be a part of several circles of women and as we do when women have time together, we talk and share intimately about ourselves and our lives.  I return home feeling nourished, enriched, enlivened, and truly grateful to be connected with such wise, loving, caring women.  I experience both a mirroring of myself from them, and a deep re-connection with myself, and this is true for these past few days as well.

What I came home with is that I love and relax into my connections with the feminine.  I emerge more fully when I am connected with the feminine, both within and without myself.  Especially right now, this is really all that I want - to connect with the feminine.  

Yet I feel this pull that I "should" be dancing with the masculine.  It is not okay that I just want feminine time, but this is all I want.

 I am feeling challenged to even write about this.  While I was soaking early yesterday morning in a pool by myself, I invited in the sacred masculine to dance with me in the dance of the sacred marriage, in the Abun-dance!  I invited in the masculine through several channels, the masculine in me; my Sacred Masculine Complement; Money; Green Man, and Steve.  Now, I am not sure that I was really ready to offer that invitation.  What is the push and the pull I feel to engage with the masculine?  Why can I not just allow myself to be in the womb of the feminine right now?

I started my bleeding right after we arrived at the Hot Springs.  I had no idea it was coming (as I have become very irregular over that past 6 months) and also I was surprised by how heavily and quickly it came on.  Also, I noticed yesterday as I was driving home that my split felt tender right around my belly button area.  I bring these both up as reminders to myself that I was soaking and I was bleeding so I must have been clearing out and purifying on some major levels, and somehow I re-injured the split.  I have been wondering if the split tenderness is from when I was floating in the pool saying my prayers and invitation to the masculine.  I'm wondering if I disconnected from myself and my power to create that invitation. 

Steve and I are going away next weekend to Cody, Wyoming.  We were invited to his cousin's wife's 60th birthday, and it seemed like a great opportunity to get away and to be with Steve's extended family.  We will have 3 nights away together, a road trip with quite a lot of driving time, a chance to be alone together and to talk and share.  On one hand, I am really looking forward to time with just Steve, and on the other hand, I am feeling nervous.  I do not feel very connected with Steve right now, and while we are home and caught up in the busy-ness of life, I can get away with that.  But on the road with nothing but miles to drive and time, I will not be able to avoid.  I actually helped to create this trip, because I know how much we need this time together, but...

How does one be married and be in relationship AND just want to be alone and in the circles of the feminine?  How can I be okay with what I want?

I love Steve, and for over 23 years, I have put our relationship before myself.  He may disagree with this, but every time I have succombed to this pressure to put my marriage first.  It's as though I have always come back into the bed with Steve, when what I have really wanted is to sleep alone.  

How do I be married AND want to be alone?

How can our marriage include and accept my intense yearning to be alone and to nurture myself and my sacred feminine?  How do I stay open and connected to him and stay open and connected to myself?  

I do not know how to do this.  It goes against every rule in my inner "rule book" of marriage.  I am breaking my own rules and I am so uncomfortable and challenged by this.  This comes back to my String Theory on Marriage:  you get married --> you put your marriage first -->  all is created out of the umbrella of your marriage -->  you put aside any selfish wants, needs or desires --> your selfish needs, wants and desires could have detrimental effects on the marriage --> you are going down the path of no return -->  if/when I am selfish --> I am putting the marriage at risk --> we will separate --> we will get divorced --> I will be all alone.  

My life has become about avoiding being alone, and lonely.

 That truth just landed and hit hard.  I fell into a deep sleep to process that one.  Not sure where I went when I slept, except that what I know right now is that up until now, I have chosen to split rather than risk or confront being alone.

My desire to dance with the feminine is demanding that I confront this fear head on.  What if the Abun-dance is actually the dance with and in the feminine and not the dance with masculine - that I have to heal into the feminine and from the place of re-connection and wholeness I then get to dance with the masculine? 

I am being confronted by a lot right now.  Time to move into my day with this awakening rippling through me.  This is the journey.  This is the journey home to wholeness.

Suseya!

Sahara