Kali

6am and the sun is gently shining in through my window.  Sun!  We are so spoiled here in Colorado that more than 3 days without sun and we start to get a little grumpy.  Loved these past 3 days of rain - I feel as though I am invited and supported by Nature to go within, stay quiet, do inner work, do work that requires creating, thinking, and being with.  The rain creates and opens up time for me.  My schedule changes.  This past weekend I thought I was going for a 6-mile hike along the Mesa Trail.  Instead I stayed in my pajamas all day, watched the World Cup, and with my computer in my lap, worked on and wrote my landing page for WEALTHY Woman.  I didn't feel rushed.  I got to create and write in a way that felt very natural and much more about the process than about the product.  I love getting to create like that.  It feels natural, supported, rich and deep and then the product reflects its creative process, and is much richer and deeper in its final expression.

I am reflecting back on my string theory theory from this past weekend, and how I wanted to "figure out" some of my strings so that I could understand them, and basically change them.  When will I learn that "figuring out" doesn't work for me any longer.  It is not a rational, intellectual exercise.  I have come to more deeply understand my string with being married with Steve, and it wasn't through figuring it out.  It was through walking and sharing with him, being open and vulnerable, receiving Turtle medicine, engaging with a forgiveness exercise - all of this has contributed to a rich and deep understanding and revealing of what one of my core string  theories in my life.

STRING THEORY on MY RELATIONSHIP with STEVE

First let's start with chronology of events to help.  Love Steve --> independent, financially responsible and successful --> went to Feathered Pipe Rance in Montana for summer -->  still with Steve  -->  not wanting to give up independence --;  allowed myself to be convinced of EITHER I marry Steve OR I have to break it off with him -->  married Steve -->  felt energy drain out of my body  -->  gave my  power away  --> gave my independence away --> became a "wife"  --> unconsciously engaged in a generational dynamic  -->  gave up being financially responsible and financially successful (you have to support your husband and put him first no matter what; you have to feed his male ego - these words were actually said to me as counsel, advice and this is how you do it) -->  "good" wife --> "good" mother --> "good" mother -->  "good" mother --> "good" mother --> taking care of others and putting others first --> everything's fine -->  kind of doing my thing/ not really --> falling back on being a "good" mother when challenged --> CATALYST --> tear in the fabric of my relationship with Steve --> challenging - alive - ripped open - alive - questions - tears - heart wide open - alive - awakened body - alive --> became a coach. trained as a Financial Alchemy coach --> remembered my dream to walk the Camino --> Own It, Sister! --> turning 50 --> walking the Camino, traveling the Celtic Camino --> pilgrimage of initiation --> radio show --> WEALTHY woman --> healing the split --> WEALTHY woman --> pilgrim --> pilgrimages --> WEALTHY woman workshops --> Celtic Camino -->  pilgrim leader

My plan to be the good mother and the good wife was working perfectly until the catalyst and life changing experience happened.  My string theory was be a good, loving wife --> be a good loving mother --> take care of everyone else's needs first --> I am a good, caring, loving, unselfish person -->  all is good, all is fine --> all is contained --> I fit in --> I am normal --> I accept, fit into, and am part of the dominant paradigm of marriage--> I am loved --> I am accepted --> I am fine --> I am an integral part of my family -->  I am loved --> I am wanted --> I am loveable --> I am okay --> I am fine --> all is fine. 

I have an image of building a mountain with sand on the beach and patting it down with wet sand, making sure that it holds its shape, is molded, strong and won't crack open.

Then the catalyst happened and it was like a volcano that exploded the sand mountain.  It blew it wide open and left nothing untouched.  My basement was majorly flooded; my cat was seriously injured and was missing for a week or so before she found her way home; the foundations and assumptions of my marriage were thrown wide open, and I wasn't sure who I was, what I wanted, or how to integrate the feelings, passions, and aliveness that were coursing through my body into my body and my life.

Who knew that there was molten lava brewing in the belly of the mountain?  Who knew that there was a belly in the mountain?

And that when left unattended and unacknowledged, it quietly builds and builds until it can't contain itself any longer.  It explodes, leaving a gaping wound and a trail of destruction in the flow of the lava.  Have you seen Mount St. Helens up in Washington?  Oh my god.  There are before pictures of this perfect cone shaped mountains surrounded by forests of evergreen trees.  Now, there is a massive mountain with its top blown off, and miles and miles of desolate landscape where there used to be trees, green and vegetation.  It is an entirely different landscape.  What I was left with was a deep awe and respect for the power of Mother Earth.  She is not be unattended or unacknowledged.  She is not to be dismissed, or tamed, or neglected.  She is not to be made into a single dimensional, flattened landscape.  She is round, and full, mysterious and powerful, capable of anything, beautiful, multidimensional, wild, precious, and alive.  She is alive.  She is Gaia.  She has the power and the force to blow up a massive mountain.  She has the love and the tenderness to cradle her creatures in her bosom.

She is Kali.  She is Lakshmi.  She is Saraswati.  She is Durga.  She is the Goddess.  She is woman.  She is me.  I am Her.

Looks like my string theory just got blown up by the volcano.  Yet it still is what I try to come back to out of my fears of being unloved and alone.  My gut feeling is that Kali won't let that happen again.  She will come back with a vengeance and blow everything up again if need be.

I must and I get to listen to, acknowledge and honor the passionate and alive part of me that woke up 4 years ago.  She is Peregrina, the pilgrim, the adventurer, the dreamer, the one with the big, round, beautiful belly.  She is the WEALTHY woman.

She is the woman who gets to create a new, empowering string theory or perhaps doesn't need one at all.  She is the one who creates from nothing, without expectation or attachment...No.  She is the one who follows the thread of her life.   A string may have been taking her in a certain direction following its predictable path.  Then along comes an experience that shifts and transforms everything.  The direction of the thread shifts and jumps to a much higher vibration of expression.  She jumps on, fully present in the moment, recognizing and giving thanks for the previous threads for getting her here, but without attachment to what they meant in the past.  She weaves and creates with the current threads, bringing all of herself to the experience.  She trusts in the threads, in herself, and calls on those around her to love and accept her too.  She has offered the invitation and knows that she is loved, she is lovable no matter the responses.  She would love for her loved ones to join her on this journey, and yet with a deep wisdom, realizes and accepts that they have their own threads too.  She has given up the need to be loved and accepted by everyone to feel okay about herself.

Some of this past paragraph feels like it's at the top of my awareness and hasn't even really started to sift down, almost as though I am trying it on for size.  I am going to just let it be for now, and let it sift.  I have lived my life from the outside in, desparate for the  love and acceptance of others.  This has been my undoing.  This has been where I have separated and split off from myself.

This is the split.

Not only is the split vertical and horizontal.  The split is 3 dimensional in that I split off myself off from others, and made them more right and more important than myself.  Healing of the split comes back to fully loving and accepting myself, no matter what.  FULLY, fully, fully loving and accepting all of who I am, all of how I express who I am, all of my body, my soul, my spirit, my mind, my emotions.  ALL OF ME.

In total and unconditional love and acceptance of mySelf, there is no split.  I am in my wholeness.  I am rooted, connected, and anchored in my true self and all of the facets of my expressions.  I am whole, perfect, divine, human, earthy, spatial, sexual, spiritual - ALL of the above.  I love and accept myself.  I love and accept others.  I love and accept.  Period.

I am home.

Suseya!
Sahara