It's been raining all night. It's luscious and green and very, very wet out there. I am supposed to hike the Mesa Trail (6 miles long) with Whitney and Jeanie this morning and have a delicious birthday picnic breakfast out on the trail, but you know, I'm really not feeling it. I would love nothing more than to stay inside curled up and get some work done on my computer and read a book. Wouldn't that be loverly?! Perhaps we could even light a fire, but I bet the wood's all wet. Here in Colorado a wet and rainy day feels like a great day to lay low, wrap up in a blanket and really relax. The sun is out so much (which I love) that when we do have a rainy day I feel as though I am really being asked to shift gears and give up "do" mode for awhile.
I am noticing that it is really hard for me to say "No, thank you. I really don't want to go in this weather." That I am waiting for either Jeanie or Whitney to say NO. Partly because they are doing this for my birthday - which was back in April! Partly because I don't want to be the "wheeny" here. I want them to say no and then I can totally align with them on that. Really interesting to just notice this dynamic. I keep hoping that the run keeps up, and then it's settled. The trail is going to be so muddy. But the pilgrim in me says that we walk no matter what the weather. I can feel all of these conflicting thoughts going around my head.
What is true for me right now?
It is a cold Colorado rainy day. I want to stay warm and dry in my home with my family, and I want to enjoy hanging out, a delicious cup of hot tea, a great breakfast, time to relax into something that I couldn't have otherwise, and just time around my family.
This is what I want. Perhaps I need to have the courage to say this to them. Here they are doing this for me, and I am the one saying no, thank you, I really don't want to go.
Hmmm....
This dynamic feels very familiar.
How is the split showing up here in this dynamic?
I used the language in my email to them both last night saying that "a part of me this..." and "a part of me that..." so even in my language I talk about these two unconnected parts of myself that want something very different.
It is difficult for me to come to my center to make a decision. I am waiting for others to make the decision for me. In writing that, I actually started to compose an email to send to both of them, and admittedly didn't finish it, but got it started. Then got an email from Whitney saying let's do it another day! Whew! Her concern was around destruction of the trails. I am just wondering if she doesn't even go to whether or not she wants to do it. She has made a commitment so therefore she does it, and then uses her concern about the trails as the decider, or does she really not want to do it and uses the trails as a plausible excuse, not having to own what she really wants. I am wondering this because I can have committed to something, and say that I am going to do it, give it my word, and then once in a while, I will just say, you know what. I know I have my word around this, but no, I am not going to do this. I don't want to. It no longer serves, or feels right or whatever.
What I am exploring here is being one's word and being true to oneself. Who/what are we more committed to? Our word or ourselves? I know that this is not black or white. But at what point do we get to honor ourselves, pay attention to ourselves and what's right for us? I am even thinking of this summer and for the first time, making plans way ahead of time to fly back east to visit Tori and the Raffenspergers. So pleased with myself for planning early enough to use frequent flyer miles, and now, here we are and I am wondering if we can go given Molly, our black lab, just being diagnosed with lymphoma. Can we say "no, we're sorry. Our dog is dying and we just want to be home with her." - if that's the case by then.
Also, after just spending the evening with 3 of my dearest friends, I realized that the reason we were celebrating Jill's March birthday in June was because the last time we got together, I bailed. I can't remember the reason why, but I was exhausted, perhaps I had my period, and I just needed/wanted to be home, be quiet, and not have to go out and interact all evening. So I didn't go- I honored myself and not my word, and while it was perfect for me, it definitely threw a wrench into their plans and intentions for the evening.
How do I honor myself and my word, my commitments?
Yesterday I met with Christiane for my first session of re-Wilding. Not a wild session at all, but a beginning of the "house cleaning" process. I didn't even realize that my house needed cleaning. Well, not in that sense anyways! So interesting to experience another person's perspective on you, because I am so in my experience for whatever it is that it is difficult for me to get a perspective on my experiences or how I experience my experiences. I know, I am talking in circles here. What I am trying to say is that I got that Christiane experienced me as kind of lost down these rabbit holes of stories and assumptions that I have made up about certain relationships and dynamics within those relationships. For example, that I experience a lot of angst and conflict around "who a good mother is" and if I go on a pilgrimage, then that means that my kids will think that I've abandoned them, that I don't love them, that I put myself before them, that I don't love them, that I am an unloving and uncaring mother, that I am a bad mother.
You know, as I write that, I see that I have a lot of these strings of assumptions about a lot of things, and that I have so figured it all out in my head that I literally stop myself before I get started. Wow. I had no idea that I did that. Well, yes I did, but I didn't know that I knew that I did that!
Interesting. With the hike just being cancelled I just fell back asleep for over an hour. That felt good.
I also think that I was processing my own personal string theory. Let's see what may have happened while I slept.
String Theory #1: Time and Space to Myself
I need a lot of time and space to myself right now. The way I have been creating or getting that is to wake up very early, write, meditate, have my morning practice, in my "green room", my sacred space. To wake up early --> I have to go to bed early and I have to be committed to this time for myself --> I have to be focused on myself --> I have to put me first --> I love to sleep by myself --> I put my relationship with Steve second --> I pull back from Steve --> not have sex with Steve --> Steve will then think that I don't love him --> then I am a bad wife --> lose my marriage --> lose Steve's love --> lose Steve's support --> be all alone.
The short string version of this is when I take time and space for me I will end up all alone and not loved.
String Theory #2: Mesa Trail Hike this morning
It's rainy and wet out --> it's a perfect day to stay at home --> but I made a commitment to go on hike --> must go no matter what --> don't want to go --> if I take the responsibility --> then I am breaking my word --> I am a weak person --> a not committed person --> I let my wants, hopes and desires rule my world --> I am not a committed person --> I am a weak person --> I am a bad person --> I am unlovable and unlikable --> they will not like me --> they will think that I am a weak person --> they will know that I am a bad person --> they will not want to be in friendship with me any more --> they will not want to be in business with me anymore --> I will no longer be a part of OIS --> I will be kicked out of the business --> I will be rejected --> I will be all alone --> I will be unloved --> I am alone--> I am lonely.
So if I am the one who makes a decision for me to not go on the hike because it is rainy and wet, I will be all alone, unloved and lonely.
Wow.
That's quite a leap, and I do it so quickly, and so automatically that I don't even realize that I'm doing it. The image I keep seeing in my mind is me jumping over the split from one side/extreme to the other. I jump over the cavern in the middle where all of the juice, feelings, richness is. I do this to avoid the messiness in the middle. I have used the split as my way of keeping things in either/or so I don't have to deal with the truth in the middle. "If" is one side, and then there is "then" on the other. That simple, that clean.
So the split hasn't just happened to me. I helped to co-create the split so that I could keep everything as neat and clean as possible. I like "if/then." This is quick and clean Cause and Effect in action. I am feeling very uncomfortable at becoming aware of the string in between. Yet this is the realm of what I don't know that I don't know. This is the realm of the split.
The split is just the opening, like the mouth of a cave. It looks just like a split in the rocks but when you slip inside and turn on your light, you realize that you have stepped into a mammoth cave full of twists and turns, passageways, jewels, stalactites and stalagmites, water, bats and other creatures of the cave. It is rich with life, darkness and mystery. To seal up the opening is to lose access to this rich resource of magic, mystery, wisdom and wealth.
Oh my god, this is where I have to go. This is where I get to go with Christiane. She is my guide in the cave, in the cavern of my belly. It is not so much about the shame. It is about the mystery, the luscious and rich unknown that is within me, within my belly. It is my richest resource.
This is what it means to "EMBELL" Similar to rappel which is a method used to move down or over a rock face or overhand on its surface. Embell is to explore deep within a cavern, container or oneself; to recognize and receive the gifts and jewels of the experience; and to integrate, embody and express these gifts into all of who one truly is, coming back up into the world whole, connected, and integrated.
It sounds like Persephone's journey, doesn't it? It sounds like the heroine's journey that is a spiral. We return to the outer world with more of who we are connected and integrated. With each visit to the inner world, we expand and deepen ourselves. We embelly ourselves. We become embellied.
This is what's possible for each of us, for all of us. Even men, for as David Sye of YogaBeats said last week, men have a womb too and can access the same deep wisdom that women can. I will post that video here when I get it because it is so rich.
My cavern opened up to reveal itself in this blog. My intention is to become aware of my string theories as they present themselves in my everyday life. This should be an interesting day!
Suseya!
Sahara
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