I am testing my new portable keyboard. It's taking a little getting used to the placement of the keys but I am loving getting to use my phone for a screen without having to type on my phone one finger at a time. This is worth every ounce of weight and it's only 1pound - way less than the 3 pounds of a netbook. This is so cool! So now I'm going to practice sending this to my blog site too!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Monday, September 27, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Testing
Good morning. Sending this post from my phone.
Suseya!
Suseya!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Thoughts and Musings as I prepare for my Journey
I leave for the Camino in 11 days. I am excited. I am nervous. I am scared. I am blessed. I am grateful. I don't want to leave my family, yet I do want to walk the Celtic Camino. Why am I even doing this? Why am I being called? Life is good here. I love my family. I love my home. I love my life. Even as I type this, I can feel that I love all of this because I am simultaneously aware and responding to the calling. I can be more present here, more grateful because I am returning to the Camino. I say returning but really it is not returning. I may be going back to the same places (at least for the first 2 weeks) but they are not the same. I am not the same. I am responding to the call of the Celtic Camino. It has called me for years. It first came in the form of the Camino de Santiago calling me. As I got closer to actually going on it, the Camino became more specific with me, and let me know that my journey is the Celtic Camino, the sacred pilgrimage of initiation from Santiago up through France to Scotland. First by train. Now by foot. I am to walk the Celtic Camino.
In two weeks, I begin the pilgrimage in Santiago, Earth's root chakra, and begin the journey to Toulouse, the second or sacral chakra. We will walk the Camino de Santiago "al contrairio" for the first 28 days and then we will turn south onto the Camino Aragonés through the Aragon Valley of Spain, and Via Tolosana through France to Toulouse.
I am walking with my soul sister, Sharon Sofia. I am so blessed and honored that she wants to walk with me. In August, Sharon shared with me that she woke up one morning, knowing that she was to walk the Camino this fall. This was the invitation from the Camino. I knew as soon as she shared this with me that we were to walk together this fall, not at some later, safer, more distant date in the future. This invitation brought the Camino right in to the present.
I said "yes" and here I am, 11 days out from leaving all that is familiar and safe to embark on a journey into the unknown, into walking over 1100 kilometers/725 miles, into an intimate and immediate journeying on the pilgrimage of initiation.
In 2009, I traveled this journey by train with my daughter. We traveled it for about 10 days. It was like an introductory visit, and yet was an initiation in and of itself. I often asked what I was being initiated into. I knew that I had been guided to make this journey, but I was not completely sure why. I trusted the impulse and the invitation, and I accepted. Yet to travel by train felt like a skimming over the path, rather than a direct engaging with the path itself.
Even still, I had initiated the initiation.
From where I sit, and stand today, my understanding is that I was initiated into the journey to "heal the split" for myself, for humanity, for the Earth, and for the cosmos. I just realized that I began the physical healing of the split back in the beginning of January, 9 months ago. Nine months, the gestation period. I am now getting ready to birth into the next level of healing. For the past 9 months, I have focused on healing the split in my belly, first through Pilates, and for the past 5 months with an intuitive physical therapist, Lynn Leech (www.IntuitiveHandsPT.com) to strengthen the transverse muscle and pull the muscles back together. When I started working with Lynn, my split was more than 3 fingers wide and deep. Now, after daily exercises along with deep inner work, I am less than 2 fingers wide with the lower part of the split healed and only 1 finger wide at the top. I am smiling just at the recognition that my split is healing and I am starting to feel my core strengthen!
Now healing the split expands from my belly into my legs and my entire body, as I will be walking and carrying a 20 pound pack for over 40 days for an average of 25 to 30 kilometers a day. Very physical. I have walked at most 10 days and 170 kilometers when I walked the Camino last year. This year I am being asked to expand and do something I have not done before, again. Last year truly was the preparation for the journey I am undertaking this year. Last year's journey gave me the confidence, familiarity, foundation and map for my pilgrimage that I begin this year.
My intention is to heal the split as I walk from one chakra to the next. I imagine that as I walk, I deepen the physical healing of the split in my belly, I deepen the connection with my Self, I cultivate my connection to the Sacred Feminine and the Black Madonna, and that this is both internal and external. Internal in that I connect deeply with the sacred feminine within myself; external in that I will get to experience ancient sacred Black Madonna art objects in Santiago and Toulouse, as well as places in between, and that I will be walking the ancient ley line of the Camino that follows or reflects the Milky Way. I have this deep sense that the Camino is an ancient feminine path. Images of the feminine are all along the Camino, even if the Catholic Church has taken them over and claimed them for their own. My intention is to "have eyes to see, and ears to hear" Her, and to recognize these images and symbols for what they really are and to unearth, or uncover the truth of their feminine origins. I keep feeling this impulse to bring the feminine into the light, without cutting her off from her roots. So perhaps more accurately, my intention is to connect with the underground feminine current of this path, to receive its guidance, impulse, and nourishment, and through my walking and my presence, bring this beauty and power into the light. This path has been walked from the top down with the Catholic ideas of Heaven, God, spiritual power or enlightenment. I want to walk it from the Earth up. With each and every step, my intention is to connect with the core of the Earth, its Heart, the Heart of the Feminine, the Body, the pulses, currents and energy of the Earth and infuse the Camino with Her energy, love and beauty.
This is in part why I have had to heal my own split, so that I can be a cohered container, a chalice, for this immense energy of the feminine. I need to be able to contain this energy as I walk, actually as I live. In my containment of the energy is the possibility of the Feminine engaging with the masculine, the light from above, through me, as I walk this sacred path. It is actually possible in and through all of us...I am simply one person aligning with her path and choosing this as my intention.
Suseya!
Sarah
In two weeks, I begin the pilgrimage in Santiago, Earth's root chakra, and begin the journey to Toulouse, the second or sacral chakra. We will walk the Camino de Santiago "al contrairio" for the first 28 days and then we will turn south onto the Camino Aragonés through the Aragon Valley of Spain, and Via Tolosana through France to Toulouse.
I am walking with my soul sister, Sharon Sofia. I am so blessed and honored that she wants to walk with me. In August, Sharon shared with me that she woke up one morning, knowing that she was to walk the Camino this fall. This was the invitation from the Camino. I knew as soon as she shared this with me that we were to walk together this fall, not at some later, safer, more distant date in the future. This invitation brought the Camino right in to the present.
I said "yes" and here I am, 11 days out from leaving all that is familiar and safe to embark on a journey into the unknown, into walking over 1100 kilometers/725 miles, into an intimate and immediate journeying on the pilgrimage of initiation.
In 2009, I traveled this journey by train with my daughter. We traveled it for about 10 days. It was like an introductory visit, and yet was an initiation in and of itself. I often asked what I was being initiated into. I knew that I had been guided to make this journey, but I was not completely sure why. I trusted the impulse and the invitation, and I accepted. Yet to travel by train felt like a skimming over the path, rather than a direct engaging with the path itself.
Even still, I had initiated the initiation.
From where I sit, and stand today, my understanding is that I was initiated into the journey to "heal the split" for myself, for humanity, for the Earth, and for the cosmos. I just realized that I began the physical healing of the split back in the beginning of January, 9 months ago. Nine months, the gestation period. I am now getting ready to birth into the next level of healing. For the past 9 months, I have focused on healing the split in my belly, first through Pilates, and for the past 5 months with an intuitive physical therapist, Lynn Leech (www.IntuitiveHandsPT.com) to strengthen the transverse muscle and pull the muscles back together. When I started working with Lynn, my split was more than 3 fingers wide and deep. Now, after daily exercises along with deep inner work, I am less than 2 fingers wide with the lower part of the split healed and only 1 finger wide at the top. I am smiling just at the recognition that my split is healing and I am starting to feel my core strengthen!
Now healing the split expands from my belly into my legs and my entire body, as I will be walking and carrying a 20 pound pack for over 40 days for an average of 25 to 30 kilometers a day. Very physical. I have walked at most 10 days and 170 kilometers when I walked the Camino last year. This year I am being asked to expand and do something I have not done before, again. Last year truly was the preparation for the journey I am undertaking this year. Last year's journey gave me the confidence, familiarity, foundation and map for my pilgrimage that I begin this year.
My intention is to heal the split as I walk from one chakra to the next. I imagine that as I walk, I deepen the physical healing of the split in my belly, I deepen the connection with my Self, I cultivate my connection to the Sacred Feminine and the Black Madonna, and that this is both internal and external. Internal in that I connect deeply with the sacred feminine within myself; external in that I will get to experience ancient sacred Black Madonna art objects in Santiago and Toulouse, as well as places in between, and that I will be walking the ancient ley line of the Camino that follows or reflects the Milky Way. I have this deep sense that the Camino is an ancient feminine path. Images of the feminine are all along the Camino, even if the Catholic Church has taken them over and claimed them for their own. My intention is to "have eyes to see, and ears to hear" Her, and to recognize these images and symbols for what they really are and to unearth, or uncover the truth of their feminine origins. I keep feeling this impulse to bring the feminine into the light, without cutting her off from her roots. So perhaps more accurately, my intention is to connect with the underground feminine current of this path, to receive its guidance, impulse, and nourishment, and through my walking and my presence, bring this beauty and power into the light. This path has been walked from the top down with the Catholic ideas of Heaven, God, spiritual power or enlightenment. I want to walk it from the Earth up. With each and every step, my intention is to connect with the core of the Earth, its Heart, the Heart of the Feminine, the Body, the pulses, currents and energy of the Earth and infuse the Camino with Her energy, love and beauty.
This is in part why I have had to heal my own split, so that I can be a cohered container, a chalice, for this immense energy of the feminine. I need to be able to contain this energy as I walk, actually as I live. In my containment of the energy is the possibility of the Feminine engaging with the masculine, the light from above, through me, as I walk this sacred path. It is actually possible in and through all of us...I am simply one person aligning with her path and choosing this as my intention.
Suseya!
Sarah
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Being Selfish. or Not - Part 1
"La Camina guides and provides (for me) every step of the way."
This has been my mantra for the past few weeks. sometimes with its variations when I substitute "the Camino" or "the Celtic Camino" for "La Camina." It's actually all the same thing and more than that, it is a metaphor or another word for "Spirit" and God.
I am in the midst of a profound journey of co-creation with the Camino/Spirit to manifest my walking from Santiago to Toulouse, the first leg of the Celtic Camino. I am constantly being asked to step up and step in so that on October 1 I can literally step "on" the Camino and start walking. I feel as though I have answered a call from the Celtic Camino to walk her sacred path. It was one thing to travel it by train. That was to familiarize me with the journey so that I would be willing to walk it - to be a true pilgrim on this ancient pilgrimage of initiation.
When I decided and said YES back on August 12th - a Thursday, I had been hovering around this decision for several days. I knew that I was getting to a "yes" but that I wasn't there yet. I wasn't quite sure what was keeping me from that moment when I would make the full, committed decision to go, but I knew that the "yes" was coming. I was working toward the "yes."
In a coaching session that day with Reggie, she had me play with and seriously try on the possibility of leading a group, of imagining it to be possible even though there was a short time until the end of September. When I could imagine the delight, thrill, and fulfillment of leading a group on the Camino,on the leg of the path that I had walked last year, and as the foundation for the Celtic Camino, the "YES" was loud, and clear, and resonated from every cell of my being. Not only was I going to walk the Celtic Camino this fall, but I was also going to lead a group of women! I was ecstatic.
Leading groups has been my dream now for a couple of years, even before I walked the Camino. This was the reason I contacted Sue Kenney - I asked if I could "apprentice" with her when she was to lead a group in the spring of 2009. She said yes, and that is how I walked with Sue and her group last spring. The intention from the beginning has been to walk the Camino AND to lead groups. Whenever I think of leading a group, I am lit up with a huge smile across my face and my heart. I feel so grateful, fulfilled, and connected to my soul's purpose.
And...leading a group also fulfills a "how" for me. By leading a number of individuals as a group on the Camino, I would receive a fee and be paid for doing this, which would in turn, cover my personal expenses for the pilgrimage. Most of the income I would receive for this would be given back to the Camino through my purchases of food and lodging. It all seemed to work together so perfectly.
Since I made my decision to return to the Camino and to lead a group, which I have named the Pilgrimage of the 7 Sisters, out of my intuition sense that seven women would be walking this foundational leg, I have been sharing and inviting women to join me through both personal and group email letters, a few phone calls, and Facebook, both on my personal page and the Celtic Camino page. I have been clear about just putting out the word and the invitation, and also clear that I do not want this to be a mass email marketing campaign. This is not just another class, or seminar. This is an invitation to walk from Santiago to Leon on the Camino de Santiago, as the foundational leg of the Celtic Camino. It is a sacred pilgrimage. I honor and respect this with every cell of my being. I also know that this is not a mass market thing, nor do I want it to be. There are people who are "pilgrims", They - we - carry the pilgrim archetype within our being, and of those people, there are those of us who are connected to El Camino de Santiago in particular, and to the Celtic Camino, even more specifically.
So why am I even writing about this? Last night just before I went to bed, I received an email that challenged me around giving and taking from the Camino.
The "it' is the financial resources that support me. The "it" is the money. It comes back to the money. I had the money in my account to pay for the airplane tickets, so I bought the tickets. Now, I am 3 weeks away from leaving and I have no idea where the money is coming from to support my walking for 42 days on the Celtic Camino. I am standing on the razor's edge and every day asking for guidance and the "how." How do I pay for my pilgrimage? How?
I really have thought it was the income from leading the group. But is leading a group somehow taking from the Camino, using the Camino? Am I somehow being selfish and greedy in wanting to lead a group? Oh, now I am starting to uncover the stuff below the surface. I can feel it bubbling up. When I do something that somehow involves financial gain or reward for myself, I am being selfish and greedy. When I do something for myself, I am being selfish and irresponsible. Whenever I do something when I receive what I want, it is wrong, selfish, greedy, and self-centered.
If I think in any way that I am being selfish, greedy, or self-centered, my "sentence" kicks in and I start to play small, to hide, to give away my dreams and commitments, and I capitulate. I give up myself to prove that I am not selfish, I am not self-centered, and I am not greedy. I am loving, caring, kind, thoughtful, and generous. I am a committed and caring member of this family. Which family? My family of origin. My family. My Camino family. Any family or group that I am a member of.
My sentence is a decision I made up about myself when I was very young when I first felt the sting of disconnection from my parents, or the world. Our sentence is what we tell ourselves at that first moment of not belonging. It is our reason, or story, of why we don't belong, or are not loved. Any time we re-experience not being loved, or included, or accepted, our sentence kicks in, and then we spend all of our energy trying to prove the sentence wrong. We are trapped in an endless loop, imprisoned by being or not being our sentence.
For years I have thought that my sentence was that "I must be doing it wrong". Only now did I realize that my fundamental sentence is that "I must be selfish". This is the one that I react to, that keeps me moving in endless circles and cuts off my freedom. It shows up in every relationship. I am always trying to prove that I am loving, caring and not selfish at all. Wow, and it runs my relationship with money and finances. To prove to you how generous and caring and loving I really am, I will give away what money I have, I won't make it about the money, and I won't really care about money. I give away my power and resources around money to show you how unselfish I really am.
Good to see and name this.
According to dictionary.com, selfish means "devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others."
I can also feel the question of how does being provided for relate to being selfish and to taking? The definition of to "provide for" is to "make arrangements for supplying means of support, money, etc. (usually fol. by for) and to supply means of support (often fol. by for)". So to be provided for means that I receive the means of support, or I am supplied with the means of support.
To me it also means taking without giving back, taking without being grateful. Taking without receiving. It means taking, period. Taking means thinking of only myself, and not regarding others, not being a caring member of a family or tribe.
We're back to the first chakra issues being raised by the initiation of Santiago. I can feel the layers of the onion being peeled away as the time to embark on the Celtic Camino gets closer and closer.
More to reveal...end of Part 1.
Suseya!
This has been my mantra for the past few weeks. sometimes with its variations when I substitute "the Camino" or "the Celtic Camino" for "La Camina." It's actually all the same thing and more than that, it is a metaphor or another word for "Spirit" and God.
I am in the midst of a profound journey of co-creation with the Camino/Spirit to manifest my walking from Santiago to Toulouse, the first leg of the Celtic Camino. I am constantly being asked to step up and step in so that on October 1 I can literally step "on" the Camino and start walking. I feel as though I have answered a call from the Celtic Camino to walk her sacred path. It was one thing to travel it by train. That was to familiarize me with the journey so that I would be willing to walk it - to be a true pilgrim on this ancient pilgrimage of initiation.
When I decided and said YES back on August 12th - a Thursday, I had been hovering around this decision for several days. I knew that I was getting to a "yes" but that I wasn't there yet. I wasn't quite sure what was keeping me from that moment when I would make the full, committed decision to go, but I knew that the "yes" was coming. I was working toward the "yes."
In a coaching session that day with Reggie, she had me play with and seriously try on the possibility of leading a group, of imagining it to be possible even though there was a short time until the end of September. When I could imagine the delight, thrill, and fulfillment of leading a group on the Camino,on the leg of the path that I had walked last year, and as the foundation for the Celtic Camino, the "YES" was loud, and clear, and resonated from every cell of my being. Not only was I going to walk the Celtic Camino this fall, but I was also going to lead a group of women! I was ecstatic.
Leading groups has been my dream now for a couple of years, even before I walked the Camino. This was the reason I contacted Sue Kenney - I asked if I could "apprentice" with her when she was to lead a group in the spring of 2009. She said yes, and that is how I walked with Sue and her group last spring. The intention from the beginning has been to walk the Camino AND to lead groups. Whenever I think of leading a group, I am lit up with a huge smile across my face and my heart. I feel so grateful, fulfilled, and connected to my soul's purpose.
And...leading a group also fulfills a "how" for me. By leading a number of individuals as a group on the Camino, I would receive a fee and be paid for doing this, which would in turn, cover my personal expenses for the pilgrimage. Most of the income I would receive for this would be given back to the Camino through my purchases of food and lodging. It all seemed to work together so perfectly.
Since I made my decision to return to the Camino and to lead a group, which I have named the Pilgrimage of the 7 Sisters, out of my intuition sense that seven women would be walking this foundational leg, I have been sharing and inviting women to join me through both personal and group email letters, a few phone calls, and Facebook, both on my personal page and the Celtic Camino page. I have been clear about just putting out the word and the invitation, and also clear that I do not want this to be a mass email marketing campaign. This is not just another class, or seminar. This is an invitation to walk from Santiago to Leon on the Camino de Santiago, as the foundational leg of the Celtic Camino. It is a sacred pilgrimage. I honor and respect this with every cell of my being. I also know that this is not a mass market thing, nor do I want it to be. There are people who are "pilgrims", They - we - carry the pilgrim archetype within our being, and of those people, there are those of us who are connected to El Camino de Santiago in particular, and to the Celtic Camino, even more specifically.
So why am I even writing about this? Last night just before I went to bed, I received an email that challenged me around giving and taking from the Camino.
Camino works on a barter system of sorts. You give to it...it gives to you. You take from it and it takes from you. Things always balance out. Make sure you are giving back in some way.Reading this triggered for me a deeply held belief around taking, and receiving. The mantra, or affirmation, at the top of the page has actually been hard for me to feel comfortable with and I now know that it is around this issue. I can receive being guided by the Camino, but to allow the Camino to "provide for" me is very challenging and uncomfortable. I have been noticing for the past few days a rub within myself about being provided for. Is it okay? Don't I have to go out and earn it, work really hard for it? And what is the "it" that I am earning and working really hard for?
The "it' is the financial resources that support me. The "it" is the money. It comes back to the money. I had the money in my account to pay for the airplane tickets, so I bought the tickets. Now, I am 3 weeks away from leaving and I have no idea where the money is coming from to support my walking for 42 days on the Celtic Camino. I am standing on the razor's edge and every day asking for guidance and the "how." How do I pay for my pilgrimage? How?
I really have thought it was the income from leading the group. But is leading a group somehow taking from the Camino, using the Camino? Am I somehow being selfish and greedy in wanting to lead a group? Oh, now I am starting to uncover the stuff below the surface. I can feel it bubbling up. When I do something that somehow involves financial gain or reward for myself, I am being selfish and greedy. When I do something for myself, I am being selfish and irresponsible. Whenever I do something when I receive what I want, it is wrong, selfish, greedy, and self-centered.
If I think in any way that I am being selfish, greedy, or self-centered, my "sentence" kicks in and I start to play small, to hide, to give away my dreams and commitments, and I capitulate. I give up myself to prove that I am not selfish, I am not self-centered, and I am not greedy. I am loving, caring, kind, thoughtful, and generous. I am a committed and caring member of this family. Which family? My family of origin. My family. My Camino family. Any family or group that I am a member of.
My sentence is a decision I made up about myself when I was very young when I first felt the sting of disconnection from my parents, or the world. Our sentence is what we tell ourselves at that first moment of not belonging. It is our reason, or story, of why we don't belong, or are not loved. Any time we re-experience not being loved, or included, or accepted, our sentence kicks in, and then we spend all of our energy trying to prove the sentence wrong. We are trapped in an endless loop, imprisoned by being or not being our sentence.
For years I have thought that my sentence was that "I must be doing it wrong". Only now did I realize that my fundamental sentence is that "I must be selfish". This is the one that I react to, that keeps me moving in endless circles and cuts off my freedom. It shows up in every relationship. I am always trying to prove that I am loving, caring and not selfish at all. Wow, and it runs my relationship with money and finances. To prove to you how generous and caring and loving I really am, I will give away what money I have, I won't make it about the money, and I won't really care about money. I give away my power and resources around money to show you how unselfish I really am.
Good to see and name this.
According to dictionary.com, selfish means "devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others."
I can also feel the question of how does being provided for relate to being selfish and to taking? The definition of to "provide for" is to "make arrangements for supplying means of support, money, etc. (usually fol. by for) and to supply means of support (often fol. by for)". So to be provided for means that I receive the means of support, or I am supplied with the means of support.
To me it also means taking without giving back, taking without being grateful. Taking without receiving. It means taking, period. Taking means thinking of only myself, and not regarding others, not being a caring member of a family or tribe.
We're back to the first chakra issues being raised by the initiation of Santiago. I can feel the layers of the onion being peeled away as the time to embark on the Celtic Camino gets closer and closer.
More to reveal...end of Part 1.
Suseya!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Not Leaving to Leave
I leave for Spain and the Celtic Camino 3 weeks from today. Big breath in, and release. That's for me...the thought of this just gets me all jittery and nervous!
One of the dynamics that I am very aware of is that I am not leaving to leave - I am going to answer the call to walk the Celtic Camino. There's a profound difference for me. I don't need to leave my family, get out of or away from here. I love my life. I love my family. I love being with them and sharing our everyday lives together. Just the other day I was at my daughter's soccer game, an hour south of here, and it was her third tournament game that weekend. A lot of soccer. A lot of driving. A lot of time. At one moment during the game, I paused and reflected how much I loved being at the game to support my daughter and to watch her play. I get to watch my daughter play great soccer. How cool is that. I am a soccer mom with a soccer daughter who loves the game, loves to play, and is really fun to watch. I am also the mom who spends most of her afternoons driving my kids to music lessons, cooking dinner, helping with homework, - all the stuff a lot of moms do to support their kids, their passions and their growth.
I am also a pilgrim.
I love to walk. I love to be a pilgrim who walks sacred pilgrimages.
And, as much as I love to support and be with my family and kids, I am also called to walk the Celtic Camino. I am called to respond to Spirit's call, to align and connect with my sacred path.
This calling just happens to take me to Spain, France, England and Scotland. Away from my family. For an extended amount of time that for most people is too long for a mother to be away from her children.
When I went in 2009, there was definitely a part of me that was excited to leave, to get away from the driving, the dailyness, being a "mom" 24/7. I was grappling with it all. Now I realize how blessed I am to have 4 incredible kids, an amazing husband and a family whom I love with all my heart. It's actually going to be heart-wrenching to leave. I have been remembering when I left last time, I felt torn wide open. Every time I thought of my kids, I would just cry. My flights got mixed up and I ended up having nearly 24 hours in Toronto unexpectedly (totally arranged by Spirit, of course!) This was the best thing that could have happened to me as I used that time to pull myself back to my center, to my pilgrim center, so that by the time I arrived in Spain, I was ready to be there and ready to walk. While I still missed my family, I was also ready to embark on my journey.
I am nervous to leave my family again, and for the gut-wrenching first 24 hours. It hurts so deeply to tear myself away from them. Yet, I now also know that as much as I am wife and mother, I am also pilgrim. I cannot, do not want to have to, choose between the two. What I choose is both/and. I am BOTH mother/wife AND pilgrim. To honor this choice means that sometimes I have (get) to the pilgrimage path and walk it; other times I have (get) to be home supporting my kids, family and home.
Funnily enough, I realize that a huge part of my preparation for going to the Celtic Camino is getting my family ready. Michael, who's just about 14 years old and loves to cook, is taking on cooking dinners, so we've been meal planning, making grocery lists, and going grocery shopping together. We're using these next 3 weeks to practice all of this so that when I leave, he will feel confident that he can do this and do it well. Alea just got her driving license, so she's going to be helping with the afternoon driving to/from soccer, piano lessons, grocery shopping, etc. Gracie, who's 9, is stepping up to make lunches. They are all going to take on laundry. To support all of this, I am going to have the house cleaned every week.
I thought that I was going to have someone step in and take over all of my "to-do's" as mother of this family, but I have also realized that this is an incredible opportunity for my kids to step up and take on more responsibility. They are all at the age where they can take on more, and I have admittedly kept doing a lot of what I have always done, and not relinquished some of my "chores" over to them. So this is the perfect time for them to step up as I step on the Camino, and we all work together to make this work beautifully.
I have realized the importance of this working for all of us. For the kids, its success will contribute to them feeling really good about themselves, that they can take something on and really rise to a challenge, and perhaps even realize that it's not that difficult, and that they may even be able to have fun with it all. For Steve, I would love for him to learn that he doesn't have to take it all on himself and become the martyr, not to mention burned and stressed out. I would love for him to experience that while he can lead and hold the team, that he doesn't have to take it all on and work himself to the bone around him. I have actually said to him that what I want him to experience is dinners cooked more consistently than when I'm home; the house clean, so that he can focus on his work, his music and having a really good time with the kids while I am away. I want this to work for all of them, because when it works for them, it works for me. It means that I can come back to the Celtic Camino next year, and the next year. It means that we are all operating out of both/and, and while it may stretch each of us, and there may be moments of discomfort, frustration and even "why do I have to do this?", there is the possibility of many more moments of "YES!" and growth, transformation, empowerment, and celebration. This is the possibility I am intending, creating out of and focusing on!
Steve and I have had a conversation about what his journey is while I am gone. If I am aligning with my soul's dream, what is his? Of course, his answer was music! So, together we created a music project for him that will culminate on December 17th (the anniversary of his mother's death 11 years ago. And that brings up that Steve's dad died a year ago today. wow.) with a concert playing either live or the recording of the piece he's going to work on while I am walking. Each of us committing to and living our dreams- me on the Celtic Camino, and Steve in his music studios, with his music buddies, his musical equipment, and his talent and imagination.
The opportunity for me is to hold each of my children, and Steve, as naturally creative, resourceful and whole, as well as fully capable of stepping up and stepping in. There are so many gifts and possibilities for each of us in this adventure, and my intention is that we all win, we all receive, and that we each and all cultivate what is best and highest in each of us.
Yet another way to heal the split. We all work together while we are physically apart.
Suseya!
Sarah
One of the dynamics that I am very aware of is that I am not leaving to leave - I am going to answer the call to walk the Celtic Camino. There's a profound difference for me. I don't need to leave my family, get out of or away from here. I love my life. I love my family. I love being with them and sharing our everyday lives together. Just the other day I was at my daughter's soccer game, an hour south of here, and it was her third tournament game that weekend. A lot of soccer. A lot of driving. A lot of time. At one moment during the game, I paused and reflected how much I loved being at the game to support my daughter and to watch her play. I get to watch my daughter play great soccer. How cool is that. I am a soccer mom with a soccer daughter who loves the game, loves to play, and is really fun to watch. I am also the mom who spends most of her afternoons driving my kids to music lessons, cooking dinner, helping with homework, - all the stuff a lot of moms do to support their kids, their passions and their growth.
I am also a pilgrim.
I love to walk. I love to be a pilgrim who walks sacred pilgrimages.
And, as much as I love to support and be with my family and kids, I am also called to walk the Celtic Camino. I am called to respond to Spirit's call, to align and connect with my sacred path.
This calling just happens to take me to Spain, France, England and Scotland. Away from my family. For an extended amount of time that for most people is too long for a mother to be away from her children.
When I went in 2009, there was definitely a part of me that was excited to leave, to get away from the driving, the dailyness, being a "mom" 24/7. I was grappling with it all. Now I realize how blessed I am to have 4 incredible kids, an amazing husband and a family whom I love with all my heart. It's actually going to be heart-wrenching to leave. I have been remembering when I left last time, I felt torn wide open. Every time I thought of my kids, I would just cry. My flights got mixed up and I ended up having nearly 24 hours in Toronto unexpectedly (totally arranged by Spirit, of course!) This was the best thing that could have happened to me as I used that time to pull myself back to my center, to my pilgrim center, so that by the time I arrived in Spain, I was ready to be there and ready to walk. While I still missed my family, I was also ready to embark on my journey.
I am nervous to leave my family again, and for the gut-wrenching first 24 hours. It hurts so deeply to tear myself away from them. Yet, I now also know that as much as I am wife and mother, I am also pilgrim. I cannot, do not want to have to, choose between the two. What I choose is both/and. I am BOTH mother/wife AND pilgrim. To honor this choice means that sometimes I have (get) to the pilgrimage path and walk it; other times I have (get) to be home supporting my kids, family and home.
Funnily enough, I realize that a huge part of my preparation for going to the Celtic Camino is getting my family ready. Michael, who's just about 14 years old and loves to cook, is taking on cooking dinners, so we've been meal planning, making grocery lists, and going grocery shopping together. We're using these next 3 weeks to practice all of this so that when I leave, he will feel confident that he can do this and do it well. Alea just got her driving license, so she's going to be helping with the afternoon driving to/from soccer, piano lessons, grocery shopping, etc. Gracie, who's 9, is stepping up to make lunches. They are all going to take on laundry. To support all of this, I am going to have the house cleaned every week.
I thought that I was going to have someone step in and take over all of my "to-do's" as mother of this family, but I have also realized that this is an incredible opportunity for my kids to step up and take on more responsibility. They are all at the age where they can take on more, and I have admittedly kept doing a lot of what I have always done, and not relinquished some of my "chores" over to them. So this is the perfect time for them to step up as I step on the Camino, and we all work together to make this work beautifully.
I have realized the importance of this working for all of us. For the kids, its success will contribute to them feeling really good about themselves, that they can take something on and really rise to a challenge, and perhaps even realize that it's not that difficult, and that they may even be able to have fun with it all. For Steve, I would love for him to learn that he doesn't have to take it all on himself and become the martyr, not to mention burned and stressed out. I would love for him to experience that while he can lead and hold the team, that he doesn't have to take it all on and work himself to the bone around him. I have actually said to him that what I want him to experience is dinners cooked more consistently than when I'm home; the house clean, so that he can focus on his work, his music and having a really good time with the kids while I am away. I want this to work for all of them, because when it works for them, it works for me. It means that I can come back to the Celtic Camino next year, and the next year. It means that we are all operating out of both/and, and while it may stretch each of us, and there may be moments of discomfort, frustration and even "why do I have to do this?", there is the possibility of many more moments of "YES!" and growth, transformation, empowerment, and celebration. This is the possibility I am intending, creating out of and focusing on!
Steve and I have had a conversation about what his journey is while I am gone. If I am aligning with my soul's dream, what is his? Of course, his answer was music! So, together we created a music project for him that will culminate on December 17th (the anniversary of his mother's death 11 years ago. And that brings up that Steve's dad died a year ago today. wow.) with a concert playing either live or the recording of the piece he's going to work on while I am walking. Each of us committing to and living our dreams- me on the Celtic Camino, and Steve in his music studios, with his music buddies, his musical equipment, and his talent and imagination.
The opportunity for me is to hold each of my children, and Steve, as naturally creative, resourceful and whole, as well as fully capable of stepping up and stepping in. There are so many gifts and possibilities for each of us in this adventure, and my intention is that we all win, we all receive, and that we each and all cultivate what is best and highest in each of us.
Yet another way to heal the split. We all work together while we are physically apart.
Suseya!
Sarah
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