I leave for Spain and the Celtic Camino 3 weeks from today. Big breath in, and release. That's for me...the thought of this just gets me all jittery and nervous!
One of the dynamics that I am very aware of is that I am not leaving to leave - I am going to answer the call to walk the Celtic Camino. There's a profound difference for me. I don't need to leave my family, get out of or away from here. I love my life. I love my family. I love being with them and sharing our everyday lives together. Just the other day I was at my daughter's soccer game, an hour south of here, and it was her third tournament game that weekend. A lot of soccer. A lot of driving. A lot of time. At one moment during the game, I paused and reflected how much I loved being at the game to support my daughter and to watch her play. I get to watch my daughter play great soccer. How cool is that. I am a soccer mom with a soccer daughter who loves the game, loves to play, and is really fun to watch. I am also the mom who spends most of her afternoons driving my kids to music lessons, cooking dinner, helping with homework, - all the stuff a lot of moms do to support their kids, their passions and their growth.
I am also a pilgrim.
I love to walk. I love to be a pilgrim who walks sacred pilgrimages.
And, as much as I love to support and be with my family and kids, I am also called to walk the Celtic Camino. I am called to respond to Spirit's call, to align and connect with my sacred path.
This calling just happens to take me to Spain, France, England and Scotland. Away from my family. For an extended amount of time that for most people is too long for a mother to be away from her children.
When I went in 2009, there was definitely a part of me that was excited to leave, to get away from the driving, the dailyness, being a "mom" 24/7. I was grappling with it all. Now I realize how blessed I am to have 4 incredible kids, an amazing husband and a family whom I love with all my heart. It's actually going to be heart-wrenching to leave. I have been remembering when I left last time, I felt torn wide open. Every time I thought of my kids, I would just cry. My flights got mixed up and I ended up having nearly 24 hours in Toronto unexpectedly (totally arranged by Spirit, of course!) This was the best thing that could have happened to me as I used that time to pull myself back to my center, to my pilgrim center, so that by the time I arrived in Spain, I was ready to be there and ready to walk. While I still missed my family, I was also ready to embark on my journey.
I am nervous to leave my family again, and for the gut-wrenching first 24 hours. It hurts so deeply to tear myself away from them. Yet, I now also know that as much as I am wife and mother, I am also pilgrim. I cannot, do not want to have to, choose between the two. What I choose is both/and. I am BOTH mother/wife AND pilgrim. To honor this choice means that sometimes I have (get) to the pilgrimage path and walk it; other times I have (get) to be home supporting my kids, family and home.
Funnily enough, I realize that a huge part of my preparation for going to the Celtic Camino is getting my family ready. Michael, who's just about 14 years old and loves to cook, is taking on cooking dinners, so we've been meal planning, making grocery lists, and going grocery shopping together. We're using these next 3 weeks to practice all of this so that when I leave, he will feel confident that he can do this and do it well. Alea just got her driving license, so she's going to be helping with the afternoon driving to/from soccer, piano lessons, grocery shopping, etc. Gracie, who's 9, is stepping up to make lunches. They are all going to take on laundry. To support all of this, I am going to have the house cleaned every week.
I thought that I was going to have someone step in and take over all of my "to-do's" as mother of this family, but I have also realized that this is an incredible opportunity for my kids to step up and take on more responsibility. They are all at the age where they can take on more, and I have admittedly kept doing a lot of what I have always done, and not relinquished some of my "chores" over to them. So this is the perfect time for them to step up as I step on the Camino, and we all work together to make this work beautifully.
I have realized the importance of this working for all of us. For the kids, its success will contribute to them feeling really good about themselves, that they can take something on and really rise to a challenge, and perhaps even realize that it's not that difficult, and that they may even be able to have fun with it all. For Steve, I would love for him to learn that he doesn't have to take it all on himself and become the martyr, not to mention burned and stressed out. I would love for him to experience that while he can lead and hold the team, that he doesn't have to take it all on and work himself to the bone around him. I have actually said to him that what I want him to experience is dinners cooked more consistently than when I'm home; the house clean, so that he can focus on his work, his music and having a really good time with the kids while I am away. I want this to work for all of them, because when it works for them, it works for me. It means that I can come back to the Celtic Camino next year, and the next year. It means that we are all operating out of both/and, and while it may stretch each of us, and there may be moments of discomfort, frustration and even "why do I have to do this?", there is the possibility of many more moments of "YES!" and growth, transformation, empowerment, and celebration. This is the possibility I am intending, creating out of and focusing on!
Steve and I have had a conversation about what his journey is while I am gone. If I am aligning with my soul's dream, what is his? Of course, his answer was music! So, together we created a music project for him that will culminate on December 17th (the anniversary of his mother's death 11 years ago. And that brings up that Steve's dad died a year ago today. wow.) with a concert playing either live or the recording of the piece he's going to work on while I am walking. Each of us committing to and living our dreams- me on the Celtic Camino, and Steve in his music studios, with his music buddies, his musical equipment, and his talent and imagination.
The opportunity for me is to hold each of my children, and Steve, as naturally creative, resourceful and whole, as well as fully capable of stepping up and stepping in. There are so many gifts and possibilities for each of us in this adventure, and my intention is that we all win, we all receive, and that we each and all cultivate what is best and highest in each of us.
Yet another way to heal the split. We all work together while we are physically apart.
Suseya!
Sarah
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