Being Selfish. or Not - Part 1

"La Camina guides and provides (for me) every step of the way."

This has been my mantra for the past few weeks. sometimes with its variations when I substitute "the Camino" or "the Celtic Camino" for "La Camina."  It's actually all the same thing and more than that, it is a metaphor or another word for "Spirit" and God.

I am in the midst of a profound journey of co-creation with the Camino/Spirit to manifest my walking from Santiago to Toulouse, the first leg of the Celtic Camino.  I am constantly being asked to step up and step in so that on October 1 I can literally step "on" the Camino and start walking.  I feel as though I have answered a call from the Celtic Camino to walk her sacred path.  It was one thing to travel it by train.  That was to familiarize me with the journey so that I would be willing to walk it - to be a true pilgrim on this ancient pilgrimage of initiation.

When I decided and said YES back on August 12th - a Thursday, I had been hovering around this decision for several days.  I knew that I was getting to a "yes" but that I wasn't there yet.  I wasn't quite sure what was keeping me from that moment when I would make the full, committed decision to go,  but I knew that the "yes" was coming.  I was working toward the "yes."

In a coaching session that day with Reggie, she had me play with and seriously try on the possibility of leading a group, of imagining it to be possible even though there was a short time until the end of September.  When I could imagine the delight, thrill, and fulfillment of leading a group on the Camino,on the leg of the path that I had walked last year, and as the foundation for the Celtic Camino, the "YES" was loud, and clear, and resonated from every cell of my being.  Not only was I going to walk the Celtic Camino this fall, but I was also going to lead a group of women!  I was ecstatic.

Leading groups has been my dream now for a couple of years, even before I walked the Camino.  This was the reason I contacted Sue Kenney - I asked if I could "apprentice" with her when she was to lead a group in the spring of 2009.  She said yes, and that is how I walked with Sue and her group last spring.  The intention from the beginning has been to walk the Camino AND to lead groups.  Whenever I think of leading a group, I am lit up with a huge smile across my face and my heart.  I feel so grateful, fulfilled, and connected to my soul's purpose.

And...leading a group also fulfills a "how" for me.  By leading a number of individuals as a group on the Camino, I would receive a fee and be paid for doing this, which would in turn, cover my personal expenses for the pilgrimage.  Most of the income I would receive for this would be given back to the Camino through my purchases of food and lodging.  It all seemed to work together so perfectly.

Since I made my decision to return to the Camino and to lead a group, which I have named the Pilgrimage of the 7 Sisters, out of my intuition sense that seven women would be walking this foundational leg, I have been sharing and inviting women to join me through both personal and group email letters, a few phone calls, and Facebook, both on my personal page and the Celtic Camino page.  I have been clear about just putting out the word and the invitation, and also clear that I do not want this to be a mass email marketing campaign.  This is not just another class, or seminar.  This is an invitation to walk from Santiago to Leon on the Camino de Santiago, as the foundational leg of the Celtic Camino.  It is a sacred pilgrimage.  I honor and respect this with every cell of my being.  I also know that this is not a mass market thing, nor do I want it to be.  There are people who are "pilgrims",  They - we - carry the pilgrim archetype within our being, and of those people, there are those of us who are connected to El Camino de Santiago in particular, and to the Celtic Camino, even more specifically.

So why am I even writing about this?  Last night just before I went to bed, I received an email that challenged me around giving and taking from the Camino.

Camino works on a barter system of sorts. You give to it...it gives to you. You take from it and it takes from you. Things always balance out. Make sure you are giving back in some way. 

Reading this triggered for me a deeply held belief around taking, and receiving.  The mantra, or affirmation, at the top of the page has actually been hard for me to feel comfortable with and I now know that it is around this issue.  I can receive being guided by the Camino, but to allow the Camino to "provide for" me is very challenging and uncomfortable.  I have been noticing for the past few days a rub within myself about being provided for.  Is it okay?  Don't I have to go out and earn it, work really hard for it?  And what is the "it" that I am earning and working really hard for?

The "it' is the financial resources that support me.  The "it" is the money.  It comes back to the money.  I had the money in my account to pay for the airplane tickets, so I bought the tickets.  Now, I am 3 weeks away from leaving and I have no idea where the money is coming from to support my walking for 42 days on the Celtic Camino.  I am standing on the razor's edge and every day asking for guidance and the "how."  How do I pay for my pilgrimage?  How?

I really have thought it was the income from leading the group.  But is leading a group somehow taking from the Camino, using the Camino?  Am I somehow being selfish and greedy in wanting to lead a group?  Oh, now I am starting to uncover the stuff below the surface.  I can feel it bubbling up.  When I do something that somehow involves financial gain or reward for myself, I am being selfish and greedy.  When I do something for myself, I am being selfish and irresponsible.  Whenever I do something when I receive what I want, it is wrong, selfish, greedy, and self-centered.

If I think in any way that I am being selfish, greedy, or self-centered, my "sentence" kicks in and I start to play small, to hide, to give away my dreams and commitments, and I capitulate.  I give up myself to prove that I am not selfish, I am not self-centered, and I am not greedy.  I am loving, caring, kind, thoughtful, and generous.  I am a committed and caring member of this family.  Which family?  My family of origin.  My family. My Camino family.   Any family or group that I am a member of.

My sentence is a decision I made up about myself when I was very young when I first felt the sting of disconnection from my parents, or the world.  Our sentence is what we tell ourselves at that first moment of not belonging.  It is our reason, or story, of why we don't belong, or are not loved.  Any time we re-experience not being loved, or included, or accepted, our sentence kicks in, and then we spend all of our energy trying to prove the sentence wrong.  We are trapped in an endless loop, imprisoned by being or not being our sentence.

For years I have thought that my sentence was that "I must be doing it wrong".  Only now did I realize that my fundamental sentence is that "I must be selfish".   This is the one that I react to, that keeps me moving in endless circles and cuts off my freedom.  It shows up in every relationship.  I am always trying to prove that I am loving, caring and not selfish at all.  Wow, and it runs my relationship with money and finances.  To prove to you how generous and caring and loving I really am, I will give away what money I have, I won't make it about the money, and I won't really care about money.  I give away my power and resources around money to show you how unselfish I really am.

Good to see and name this.

According to dictionary.com, selfish means "devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others."

I can also feel the question of how does being provided for relate to being selfish and to taking?  The definition of to "provide for" is to "make arrangements for supplying means of support, money, etc. (usually fol. by for) and to supply means of support (often fol. by for)".  So to be provided for means that I receive the means of support, or I am supplied with the means of support.   

To me it  also means taking without giving back, taking without being grateful.  Taking without receiving.  It means taking, period.   Taking means thinking of only myself, and not regarding others, not being a caring member of a family or tribe.

We're back to the first chakra issues being raised by the initiation of Santiago.  I can feel the layers of the onion being peeled away as the time to embark on the Celtic Camino gets closer and closer.

More to reveal...end of Part 1.

Suseya!