Part 3.
This past week has been such an expected gift. Never did I imagine that last Sunday I would be engaged in such a deep healing and transformation process that involved my relationship with my mother. But I have, and I am so grateful.
On Wednesday, my mother called and asked if I still wanted to go out to lunch on Thursday. This invitation felt like an Invitation, and one that I both didn't want to or shouldn't decline. I said yes.
I have realized over this past week that I can actually love my mother more fully and unconditionally when I just accept her for who she is, as distinct from her views and beliefs. Just for WHO she is. It sounds so simple as I type this now, but who she has been for me has been so collapsed into her beliefs.
I am getting this understanding on many levels about many things, including money! You mean that there's a connection between my relationship with my mother and my relationship with money?! Now there's a new connection.
It comes back to a teaching from the Forum - that we are meaning making machines. There is "what happened", or in this case, "this person", and in its essence, they are neutral. They just are. Then there is the meaning we put on what happened or this person or thing. We choose to connect them to a meaning that helps us to make sense of our world and our experiences. It seems to me that we put the most meaning onto something when we have felt hurt, victimized, unloved or unaccepted, or the complete opposite, when we feel the most loved, accepted, met, adored, and successful. We take those experiences and weave them them so indistinguishably together that we forget we ever put the meaning on the thing/person/circumstance in the first place.
How I use my body to illustrate this is to twist my forefinger around my middle finger. Do this. Your two fingers standing twisted together is the collapsed experience or concept. Now untwist them and separate the fingers into a "V". Each of your fingers standing separately is the distinguished thing/person/circumstance on one side, and the meaning you have given it on the other side.
If you've given meaning to it at one time, you can choose to release the meaning that you have given it, and either replace it with another meaning, or better yet, choose to release all meaning and allow it to remain neutral.
What's possible then?
Back to my lunch with my mother.
I felt centered in my body and I was especially aware of my first chakra. I connected to my truth, my desires and to my spirit/soul. And I became present. I didn't try to fill up the space. I just let it be with my mother and to fully engage lovingly with her. I grew up and became an adult with her.
So when she brought up her concerns about my going away for so long, I acknowledged and thanked her for her concerns, and actually even aligned with her around them. Yes, I too am concerned....AND then shared what I am doing to address them. I watched her do her dance of "building her case" with me, and this time, I just observed it, and her in the process. And I loved her all the way through the conversation. It was so simple.
It was not about her being right, and therefore I must be wrong. I could listen to and actually receive the gifts within her concerns, and ask her to help with my son, Michael, while I am gone and actually start now by spending Tuesday afternoons after school with him. They love to cook together. I could ask myself some of the questions she was asking me, and go within myself to answer them. I was standing in my own two feet on my own two legs connected to my personal code of honor, AND I could love and accept my mother and be so grateful that she loves me enough to be concerned, and it still here to share this concern.
I had collapsed that my mother means imposing herself and her beliefs, rules and ways of doing/being onto me, that means I was doing it wrong, that means I am wrong. While she has done this to me, she is NOT this, which then also translates into that I am not doing it wrong, and that I am not wrong. This then opens up freedom and expansion around me just loving and accepting myself. It brings me back to me, to my core, to my connection with Spirit. I then get to express Spirit in me through me as me. And the split is healed. I am back home within myself, seeing and experiencing the world and myself through my own eyes, my own ears, my own heart, my own spirit. I can own that experience, and make my choices from within myself, connected, whole and complete.
The spiritual truth of the root chakra is that "All is One" (Carolyn Myss, The Anatomy of Spirit) We are all one, and this truth gives us the permission, actually more than that - it gives us mandate to be connected and true to ourselves and our authentic expression and creative impulses. We are all one - no matter what. So we don't have to be all alike, think alike, live alike, act alike. The oneness permeates the very ground we walk on. I think of the stand of aspen trees. They are each unique, individual trees which are connected through a unifying root system under the ground. One organism, many trees. We are all one. We are all one. It is this simple. One family, many people. Many expressions of the oneness. We can never be separated, or split off from each other. So let's celebrate, love, accept each other, and call each other's greatness into being.
Thank you, Mom, for all of who you've been for me, and for loving me so much that you would be the grist for my mill, and for being one of my most loving angels and guides even when it felt like the complete opposite. We are one. We are connected - familially and divinely. I am so blessed. I am so grateful.
The circle is complete.
Suseya!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Healing the Split from my Mother, Part 2
2 Days Later
I have been ruminating the line that my mother said that other night about I "have not let her mother me."
Yesterday Sharon and I went for a walk and she suggested an alternative meaning for this - that I did not allow my mother's view of the world to infilitrate me. I did not allow her in nor allow the way she sees or experiences the world to become my world view. In this way, I did not allow her to mother me. I could totally get this. I let her in to take care of me, to feed me, to be a mom in these respects, but I did not let her or her beliefs in. Oh, at times they slipped in through the cracks, believe me! Such as one time after I had been outside playing in the creek at Redbird Hollow with Lori. We had spent all day just being outside, playing on the rocks and in the water. I felt so full and alive, connected to Nature. I came home and I am sure excitedly shared what I had done, only to meet my mother's "A dangerous man could have been out there. You shouldn't have been out there by yourselves." That one went in and twisted in me, sapping my confidence and joy.
How does all of this relate to the split?
My mother see, feel and experience the world very differently, and it feels as though I have known this for a very long time. Not that I could have put it into words when I was 2 or 3 years old, but in my being and body, I knew that my world view did not match hers. Now, as a 51 year old woman, I can look back and realize what was going on for me and what choices I made to survive and to belong - the core issues of the root chakra.
I chose to split from my true self, and what I knew to be truth, so that I could be safe and loved by my mother. Yet, here's the paradox - I also still kept her at arm's length, letting her just so far so that she would feel that she could influence and mother me, but not so close that she could infiltrate me and take over. I have walked a very thin, tight line with my mother all of my life. I split from myself enough so that I wouldn't be in a constant state of inner conflict, and so that I could be in my family peacefully enough. Because I had split from my own core self and beliefs, I learned how to look outside of myself to figure out what was the "right" thing to do, or be. My center became externally located. I couldn't, and didn't just buy into my mother's reality, although much of how she perceives the world did slip in and quite honestly, these beliefs have always felt like alien entities in my being. Being a part of the tribe and my family was more important to me than being true to myself.
There are two levels of conversation going on here, that I am having a hard time writing about. So let's tease them out from each other.
There is the personality level of the dynamic with my mother. As a little girl, I very clearly chose that being a part of my family, being loved and accepted, and being taken care of was way more important than being true to myself. It wasn't even an issue. I have really tried to be a good and loving daughter. I have tried to do things her way. I did whatever I had to do to ensure my safety and survival. If that meant splitting off from my Self, so be it. Price worth paying.
Then there is the soul level of the dynamic. While I could split off and be separated from myself, my Soul has very clearly been here all along! The truth is that one cannot split from one's soul. We can forget, we can disengage, but we cannot split. And the soul is way more powerful and omnipresent than our personality anyway. So all along, my soul has quietly been whispering in my ear, gently steering me, having me put up shields to protect myself, dropping books and resources in my lap that resonate with a deep place within me and call me into being, make choices that pull me out of ordinary life - go to Australia, go to Feathered Pipe Ranch, walk the Camino. I could be sleepy, but not fully asleep!
Now I know why I chose Paulo Coehlo's quote from The Pilgrimage:
While it has been very hard and challenging to keep my mother at arm's length, it has also been in my highest good. It has actually been my soul's journey to create a split within myself, to recognize the split, to choose to heal it, to re-connect with my Self, to align with my Soul's path, and to walk it, express it, dance it, embrace it!
Yesterday as I walked I experienced a profound shift and healing in my first chakra. All these years, my chakra has been spinning backwards, as I have looked outside of myself for reflection, confirmation that I am loved and accepted, and that I am doing it right. Split off from my core self, my anchor became externalized into my family, and especially into my mother.
Yesterday, I decided to look at my relationship with my mother from a higher perspective, and experience such gratitude and acceptance for her and for our relationship. My mother has been willing to play the role of someone for me to push against for my whole life so that I could receive this lesson and know that I am at choice.
Suseya!
I have been ruminating the line that my mother said that other night about I "have not let her mother me."
Yesterday Sharon and I went for a walk and she suggested an alternative meaning for this - that I did not allow my mother's view of the world to infilitrate me. I did not allow her in nor allow the way she sees or experiences the world to become my world view. In this way, I did not allow her to mother me. I could totally get this. I let her in to take care of me, to feed me, to be a mom in these respects, but I did not let her or her beliefs in. Oh, at times they slipped in through the cracks, believe me! Such as one time after I had been outside playing in the creek at Redbird Hollow with Lori. We had spent all day just being outside, playing on the rocks and in the water. I felt so full and alive, connected to Nature. I came home and I am sure excitedly shared what I had done, only to meet my mother's "A dangerous man could have been out there. You shouldn't have been out there by yourselves." That one went in and twisted in me, sapping my confidence and joy.
How does all of this relate to the split?
My mother see, feel and experience the world very differently, and it feels as though I have known this for a very long time. Not that I could have put it into words when I was 2 or 3 years old, but in my being and body, I knew that my world view did not match hers. Now, as a 51 year old woman, I can look back and realize what was going on for me and what choices I made to survive and to belong - the core issues of the root chakra.
I chose to split from my true self, and what I knew to be truth, so that I could be safe and loved by my mother. Yet, here's the paradox - I also still kept her at arm's length, letting her just so far so that she would feel that she could influence and mother me, but not so close that she could infiltrate me and take over. I have walked a very thin, tight line with my mother all of my life. I split from myself enough so that I wouldn't be in a constant state of inner conflict, and so that I could be in my family peacefully enough. Because I had split from my own core self and beliefs, I learned how to look outside of myself to figure out what was the "right" thing to do, or be. My center became externally located. I couldn't, and didn't just buy into my mother's reality, although much of how she perceives the world did slip in and quite honestly, these beliefs have always felt like alien entities in my being. Being a part of the tribe and my family was more important to me than being true to myself.
There are two levels of conversation going on here, that I am having a hard time writing about. So let's tease them out from each other.
There is the personality level of the dynamic with my mother. As a little girl, I very clearly chose that being a part of my family, being loved and accepted, and being taken care of was way more important than being true to myself. It wasn't even an issue. I have really tried to be a good and loving daughter. I have tried to do things her way. I did whatever I had to do to ensure my safety and survival. If that meant splitting off from my Self, so be it. Price worth paying.
Then there is the soul level of the dynamic. While I could split off and be separated from myself, my Soul has very clearly been here all along! The truth is that one cannot split from one's soul. We can forget, we can disengage, but we cannot split. And the soul is way more powerful and omnipresent than our personality anyway. So all along, my soul has quietly been whispering in my ear, gently steering me, having me put up shields to protect myself, dropping books and resources in my lap that resonate with a deep place within me and call me into being, make choices that pull me out of ordinary life - go to Australia, go to Feathered Pipe Ranch, walk the Camino. I could be sleepy, but not fully asleep!
Now I know why I chose Paulo Coehlo's quote from The Pilgrimage:
"By changing the way you do routine things you allow a new person to grow inside of you."
Perhaps my quote would read, "By periodically choosing to let go of the routine life, you allow your true self to grow inside of you."While it has been very hard and challenging to keep my mother at arm's length, it has also been in my highest good. It has actually been my soul's journey to create a split within myself, to recognize the split, to choose to heal it, to re-connect with my Self, to align with my Soul's path, and to walk it, express it, dance it, embrace it!
Yesterday as I walked I experienced a profound shift and healing in my first chakra. All these years, my chakra has been spinning backwards, as I have looked outside of myself for reflection, confirmation that I am loved and accepted, and that I am doing it right. Split off from my core self, my anchor became externalized into my family, and especially into my mother.
Yesterday, I decided to look at my relationship with my mother from a higher perspective, and experience such gratitude and acceptance for her and for our relationship. My mother has been willing to play the role of someone for me to push against for my whole life so that I could receive this lesson and know that I am at choice.
Suseya!
The Split from my Mother, Part 1
This is a very personal reflection and journaling of my relationship with my mother. I have even questioned whether or not to share it. Is is too personal? Am I too vulnerable? Shouldn't I be more of an adult already in this relationship? But I have decided to post it because it is part of my Camino, part of my healing the split, part of standing in my own feet with my own personal code of honor intact and connected. It is my journey of recognizing and honoring myself. And it just happens to involve my relationship with my mother. It is in 3 parts that have unfolded over this past week.
The last time I wrote I shared that I was in the midst of first chakra initiation and healing. Seems like no stone will be unturned...I hadn't consciously realized that my relationship with my mother was so deeply connected to my first chakra. Well, of course it is, but I just hadn't realized, or felt it so deeply, until last night.
My mother is an amazing woman. She is 77 years old, and she is still expanding. She's passionately involved in Young Living Oils, meets new people all the time, makes new friends all the time, is very active and engaged, is on a spiritual path, and has spiritual sisters whom she loves dearly, and who love her as dearly as well. She's a very blessed woman who's really getting to live a rich and wonderful life on her terms.
Last night, after dinner, I wanted to complete the conversation that got started the other day when she said to me, "Well, all I ask is that you come home happy" from my pilgrimage. How is it that she can make these statements to me that just go in and twist and turn in my gut, and in my heart. I was so taken aback by her comment, and then her subsequent explanation that I was just so unhappy and hard to be around, and that she's concerned about the kids, and what about Steve, and on and on. I became defensive. I also asked questions. I really tried to listen and to honor what she was saying while I felt like I was being slapped on the hand (it actually felt much stronger than a slap on the hand). I felt like a little girl who was being told I was naughty and had done it all wrong. Now there's a familiar story.
So, last night I wanted to complete our previous conversation. Instead, I just opened up the wound even bigger. No matter what I said, it came back to my mother, and how she feels that she can never say the right thing to me; that I over-analyze her and what she says and how she says it; that she can never do it right; and of course there were tears, and on and on. She also said that I have never let her mother me. I realized, and said that we are locked in a dynamic together, and that we actually perceive the same things about each other. I also suggested that maybe we just shouldn't really talk because it doesn't work - that we communicate very differently and instead of communicating directly with each other, we end up missing the mark, and usually end up hurting each other.
After this conversation, I felt so incomplete, so empty, so un-met, so lost. What's come up for me is the years of pain I have experienced with her. I am her daughter, but somehow we just miss with each other all the time.
I keep her at arms' length...and have for as long as I can remember.
I don't feel safe around her. There have been so many times when I have shared something that I truly desire or want, or feel, and the response has often been,"why do/would you want that?" So I have stopped wanting what I want.
I don't feel heard or listened to. So I have made it one of my top priorities to deeply listen to, honor and acknowledge what others are sharing.
It feels like some of my deepest wounding is from my relationship with my mother. I am really trying to say this in a not blaming way, but I am sure that it comes out sounding like that. I can tell that she also feels very wounded by me. I have not been the kind of daughter that she wanted. I wonder if I ever have been.
I thought about this a lot last night. Here I am, her first born child, and a daughter. I can imagine her feeling so fulfilled with being a mom and having a daughter. But then it was me. I looked just like my father. I have this feeling that I haven't let her in very close from the beginning. I don't do well with needy people. I pull away and put a wall up between their needs and me. I feel pulled on. I feel them trying to suck my energy, and so I put up defenses and barriers around me so that they can't take my energy from me.
When my parents got divorced, my mother expected me to be there for her. After all, other mothers' daughters were there for their mothers. She even said last night that she had no one, and had to lean on her friends then. Yes, and so what's wrong with that? I have told her that I could not be there for her, not given my relationship with her, with Dad, and their relationship. It was not appropriate for me to be that person to lean on. How many years has it been since the divorce? At least 25 years and this is still an issue for us.
So what's the core of the issue? What's the essence of it? From my perspective, the core of this unresolvable issue is that Mom needed me to be there for her, and I was not, and never have been.
I learned how to not need her, because if and when I did, there was always an expectation of payback. If I needed her, then she could need me, and I would have to be there for her in ways that did not feel right or good.
At one point, she would come in to my bed at night so that she could have someone warm to sleep with, so that she wouldn't feel lonely, so that she wouldn't have to sleep with my father. And then she would tell me how it was for her - and impose her beliefs, stories, and complaints about marriage, sex, and my father on me as I lay there in bed with her. As I tried to make myself as small and safe as I possibly could, because of course I couldn't tell her to go away and to get out of my bed, out of my room. My personal space meant nothing to her. So within that space, within in my body, I would pull myself away from the edges and make myself as small as I could within myself so that she couldn't touch me, or influence me, or pull me into her sad world.
This is my core wounding right here. Seems like no matter where I go, this is where I come home to. To feeling like the powerless little girl who couldn't say no to her mom, couldn't have boundaries, and so tried to make it look okay without really being present, so that at least my mom would think that she was getting what she wanted from me. All appearances would be intact, and we could pretend to be a loving daughter and mother.
And that's what we have done for 51 years.
I have created a way of relating to her where it's on the edges of my body only. It looks okay from the outside, but it actually feels really empty and unnourishing for both of us. Neither one of us is fulfilled, satisfied, or feels loved, respected, heard or acknowledged. I am on the edge of myself with her, and I am on the edge of her life with her. I am not an integral part of her life at all, and while one part of me is so thankful for that, I am also aware that I don't get the best of my mom. Other people do. I don't get to experience the truly wonderful, loving, caring person that she is and whom others love to be with.
This sucks...
Out of my need to feel safe with her, to not let her suck my energy, and to not let her take away my desires, dreams, and what matters most, I hold her at more than arms' length away from me. I only let her see the shell of me, and I do not let her into my heart, my heart's longings, or what I am truly feeling or experiencing. I RELATE TO HER SO THAT SHE CANNOT TOUCH ME, so that she cannot take me, my essential ore self, away from myself.
As I write this, I realize how crazy it sounds. My mother does not have that kind of power to take my essence away from me. My essence, my soul, my spirit, is mine and only I can give it away. Or split off from it.
The last time I wrote I shared that I was in the midst of first chakra initiation and healing. Seems like no stone will be unturned...I hadn't consciously realized that my relationship with my mother was so deeply connected to my first chakra. Well, of course it is, but I just hadn't realized, or felt it so deeply, until last night.
My mother is an amazing woman. She is 77 years old, and she is still expanding. She's passionately involved in Young Living Oils, meets new people all the time, makes new friends all the time, is very active and engaged, is on a spiritual path, and has spiritual sisters whom she loves dearly, and who love her as dearly as well. She's a very blessed woman who's really getting to live a rich and wonderful life on her terms.
Last night, after dinner, I wanted to complete the conversation that got started the other day when she said to me, "Well, all I ask is that you come home happy" from my pilgrimage. How is it that she can make these statements to me that just go in and twist and turn in my gut, and in my heart. I was so taken aback by her comment, and then her subsequent explanation that I was just so unhappy and hard to be around, and that she's concerned about the kids, and what about Steve, and on and on. I became defensive. I also asked questions. I really tried to listen and to honor what she was saying while I felt like I was being slapped on the hand (it actually felt much stronger than a slap on the hand). I felt like a little girl who was being told I was naughty and had done it all wrong. Now there's a familiar story.
So, last night I wanted to complete our previous conversation. Instead, I just opened up the wound even bigger. No matter what I said, it came back to my mother, and how she feels that she can never say the right thing to me; that I over-analyze her and what she says and how she says it; that she can never do it right; and of course there were tears, and on and on. She also said that I have never let her mother me. I realized, and said that we are locked in a dynamic together, and that we actually perceive the same things about each other. I also suggested that maybe we just shouldn't really talk because it doesn't work - that we communicate very differently and instead of communicating directly with each other, we end up missing the mark, and usually end up hurting each other.
After this conversation, I felt so incomplete, so empty, so un-met, so lost. What's come up for me is the years of pain I have experienced with her. I am her daughter, but somehow we just miss with each other all the time.
I keep her at arms' length...and have for as long as I can remember.
I don't feel safe around her. There have been so many times when I have shared something that I truly desire or want, or feel, and the response has often been,"why do/would you want that?" So I have stopped wanting what I want.
I don't feel heard or listened to. So I have made it one of my top priorities to deeply listen to, honor and acknowledge what others are sharing.
It feels like some of my deepest wounding is from my relationship with my mother. I am really trying to say this in a not blaming way, but I am sure that it comes out sounding like that. I can tell that she also feels very wounded by me. I have not been the kind of daughter that she wanted. I wonder if I ever have been.
I thought about this a lot last night. Here I am, her first born child, and a daughter. I can imagine her feeling so fulfilled with being a mom and having a daughter. But then it was me. I looked just like my father. I have this feeling that I haven't let her in very close from the beginning. I don't do well with needy people. I pull away and put a wall up between their needs and me. I feel pulled on. I feel them trying to suck my energy, and so I put up defenses and barriers around me so that they can't take my energy from me.
When my parents got divorced, my mother expected me to be there for her. After all, other mothers' daughters were there for their mothers. She even said last night that she had no one, and had to lean on her friends then. Yes, and so what's wrong with that? I have told her that I could not be there for her, not given my relationship with her, with Dad, and their relationship. It was not appropriate for me to be that person to lean on. How many years has it been since the divorce? At least 25 years and this is still an issue for us.
So what's the core of the issue? What's the essence of it? From my perspective, the core of this unresolvable issue is that Mom needed me to be there for her, and I was not, and never have been.
I learned how to not need her, because if and when I did, there was always an expectation of payback. If I needed her, then she could need me, and I would have to be there for her in ways that did not feel right or good.
At one point, she would come in to my bed at night so that she could have someone warm to sleep with, so that she wouldn't feel lonely, so that she wouldn't have to sleep with my father. And then she would tell me how it was for her - and impose her beliefs, stories, and complaints about marriage, sex, and my father on me as I lay there in bed with her. As I tried to make myself as small and safe as I possibly could, because of course I couldn't tell her to go away and to get out of my bed, out of my room. My personal space meant nothing to her. So within that space, within in my body, I would pull myself away from the edges and make myself as small as I could within myself so that she couldn't touch me, or influence me, or pull me into her sad world.
This is my core wounding right here. Seems like no matter where I go, this is where I come home to. To feeling like the powerless little girl who couldn't say no to her mom, couldn't have boundaries, and so tried to make it look okay without really being present, so that at least my mom would think that she was getting what she wanted from me. All appearances would be intact, and we could pretend to be a loving daughter and mother.
And that's what we have done for 51 years.
I have created a way of relating to her where it's on the edges of my body only. It looks okay from the outside, but it actually feels really empty and unnourishing for both of us. Neither one of us is fulfilled, satisfied, or feels loved, respected, heard or acknowledged. I am on the edge of myself with her, and I am on the edge of her life with her. I am not an integral part of her life at all, and while one part of me is so thankful for that, I am also aware that I don't get the best of my mom. Other people do. I don't get to experience the truly wonderful, loving, caring person that she is and whom others love to be with.
This sucks...
Out of my need to feel safe with her, to not let her suck my energy, and to not let her take away my desires, dreams, and what matters most, I hold her at more than arms' length away from me. I only let her see the shell of me, and I do not let her into my heart, my heart's longings, or what I am truly feeling or experiencing. I RELATE TO HER SO THAT SHE CANNOT TOUCH ME, so that she cannot take me, my essential ore self, away from myself.
As I write this, I realize how crazy it sounds. My mother does not have that kind of power to take my essence away from me. My essence, my soul, my spirit, is mine and only I can give it away. Or split off from it.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
The Initiation of the First Chakra
I woke up this morning knowing that the preparation process for the Celtic Camino has begun.
As I'm sure that I have mentioned, the Celtic Camino follows a sacred configuration up the 7 chakras of the Earth. The pilgrimage begins in Santiago de Compostela, Spain which is the site of the first chakra. This pilgrimage is considered to be a "pilgrimage of initiation" and when initiates would undergo this journey, they would first physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually prepare for the journey. Their preparation would take place in Sintra (Cintra), Portugal where there is a column that partners the column at Rosslyn. Together, these columns would create an arc over the Celtic Camino path, uniting it as one journey under its arc.
Last year, my preparation was the 10 days of walking El Camino to Santiago. This year, I actually considered going to Sintra but have decided not to for various reasons. Yet Sintra has come to me.
Yesterday, I received an email from Luiza, whom I met on the Camino last year because she knew of Sue and happened to stay at the same albergue we stayed one night. I am aware of now that from the moment that I met her, Luiza is one of my Celtic Camino angels and guides. She gave me the name "Celtic Camino" - when I told her what I was doing, she said, "Oh, that journey is called the Celtic Camino." She also asked if I had gone to Sintra. I remember feeling ashamed that I had not been there, and actually did not remember reading about it in Rosslyn by Tim Wallace-Murphy. Of course, when I went back to the book, there it was.
Luiza and I corresponded a few times over this past year, and then last week I tracked down her email address again to write to her. I wanted to let her know that I was walking the Celtic Camino, and also about Sue being on Own It, Sister! Radio. In the past week, we have now corresponded several times and Luiza has been sharing with me both some rich and revealing information, and asking rich and probing questions. Thank you, Luiza.
Luiza is my Celtic Camino Angel. She is bringing Sintra to me. In her email yesterday, she shared her experience in Sintra with me, that was in its essence, an initiation. She was privy to one of the core teachings of the Camino: As above, so below...and in her words to me, she said, "this applies to your Celtic Camino."
The Camino at work. The Camino provides exactly what you need, and you can receive it as long as you stay open, and willing to listen to and honor the impulses from within... to ask so many questions, and the right questions, that the hidden places are revealed.
When I walked into Santiago last year, I walked into the city by myself. For 10 days, I had walked with the group - Vanda, Linda, Wendy and Paul, led by Sue. When we gathered at the top of Mont Gozo, we had already agreed that we would walk into Santiago individually, so my assumption was that was what we were still doing. Linda had just arrived and I knew that I was ready to keep walking. So I decided to head on, by myself, out of our agreement. It felt so right to walk by myself this last day of the Camino. Not sure why, but I felt very content, strong, and connected to myself, and I wanted to own for myself entering Santiago and the Old City. I felt great, and I also felt sad that this wonderful journey was coming to an end. I wanted to be with all of my own experience. I knew that this day would be my last day of simply being on the path and walking. I had my own experience of seeing the Cathedral for the first time, of walking around it, of entering into it as hundreds of pilgrims poured out of the noon Pilgrims' Mass. I went by myself to the Pilgrims' Office to receive my compostela that I had completed El Camino de Santiago and was now officially a Camino pilgrim. I found the hotel by myself. I was actually very happy and content.
It was all good until I met up with the group later in the afternoon at our hotel. I found out that they had all walked in together. They had gotten a different compostela (certificate) than I had received - they had the "right" one. Somehow I received the "wrong" one because I had said my pilgrimage was not "religious". I actually spent quite a bit of time trying to get the "right" one because I wanted to do it "right" and have the same compostela that they had. (It turns out that I actually love my compostela and its beautiful design.) They had all entered together. They had gone to the Cathedral together. They had shared a special treat together.
I felt so alone, and so separate from the group. I felt ashamed that I had gone off by myself. I felt not included and unloved. I felt as though I had done something very wrong by leaving the group, doing something on my own, and enjoying myself for having done so. There I was - in the culmination of El Camino...and as it turns out, in the initiation of the Celtic Camino.
First Chakra. According to Carolyn Myss, the first chakra is:
And then I made this decision, out of what I had understood to be the "family" or group agreement, to walk in to Santiago by myself, only to find out that I was the only one who made that choice.
All of my issues with family, belonging, identity, and connection flared up for me. It was so hard. Yet, there it all was - the issues of the first chakra up to be acknowledged, healed, worked through and integrated. In my few days in Santiago with the group, I came to realize that I was loved, I still was part of the group, and that even though I had walked in by myself and had not experienced completing the Camino with them, that the only thing that was separating me from the group was me. It was my own issues and challenges with being myself, honoring myself, even if - even when - it meant I had to do something apart from all of them.
I walked into the first chakra through this heightened, intense experience with my Camino "family" in Santiago, the site of the first chakra of the Celtic Camino. As I completed the one journey, I simultaneously began the other.
Now, here I am preparing to begin it again...and the inner preparation has begun.
Last night we enjoyed an evening with 3 of my closest friends and all of our husbands. I had seen Thia and Andy last weekend and Thia had asked about the Camino then. When I shared that I was going back, I felt that what I was sharing was bringing up her own stuff. So last night, after everyone else had left the table, we talked for a short while privately. I felt myself want to insist how scared I was feeling about all of this - that this was big and scary, and that my doubts were up. It was like I really wanted her to know that. That it wasn't all just wonderful and exciting and expanding. I shrank with her - in my attempt to take care of her, out of what I perceived last week in her, and ultimately, so that she would still love me and include me in her life, even though I was taking off and doing something out of the ordinary and out of our daily lives.
I watched myself do this. On one hand, I couldn't believe I was doing it. On the other hand, it felt so natural and familiar. This is my first chakra programming. To cultivate my own sense of belonging and connection to my family, and my friends, I give them what I think they want and need. If they want me to be small and scared, and not know what I want, then that is what I will give them...and have given them for years and years. I split from my true self, and I become what I think they want and need from me. I have so desperately wanted them to feel comfortable with me, and to love and accept me because I want them to continue to want me to be a part of their lives. I want them to want me and to include me, so I have been willing to do whatever it takes, even separate from and abandon myself.
So here it is, presenting itself to me in undeniable terms. Thank you, thank you. My preparation has begun. My commitment to myself and to the Celtic Camino is to take the next step and to call Thia and share with her what I have done, and to complete this dynamic with her. Part of stepping onto the Celtic Camino is the recognition that the challenges and circumstances that present themselves are all part of the journey, and that how I respond to, deal with, work with these challenges is actually how I walk the pilgrimage. In Whitney's words, "how I deal with anything is how I deal with everything." They are reflective of each other, and inform each other. The journey starts right here, right now. And my commitment to myself, to being a pilgrim, and to the Celtic Camino is integrity, connection, and love, all out of my soul's intention to heal the split.
Suseya!
Sarah
As I'm sure that I have mentioned, the Celtic Camino follows a sacred configuration up the 7 chakras of the Earth. The pilgrimage begins in Santiago de Compostela, Spain which is the site of the first chakra. This pilgrimage is considered to be a "pilgrimage of initiation" and when initiates would undergo this journey, they would first physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually prepare for the journey. Their preparation would take place in Sintra (Cintra), Portugal where there is a column that partners the column at Rosslyn. Together, these columns would create an arc over the Celtic Camino path, uniting it as one journey under its arc.
Last year, my preparation was the 10 days of walking El Camino to Santiago. This year, I actually considered going to Sintra but have decided not to for various reasons. Yet Sintra has come to me.
Yesterday, I received an email from Luiza, whom I met on the Camino last year because she knew of Sue and happened to stay at the same albergue we stayed one night. I am aware of now that from the moment that I met her, Luiza is one of my Celtic Camino angels and guides. She gave me the name "Celtic Camino" - when I told her what I was doing, she said, "Oh, that journey is called the Celtic Camino." She also asked if I had gone to Sintra. I remember feeling ashamed that I had not been there, and actually did not remember reading about it in Rosslyn by Tim Wallace-Murphy. Of course, when I went back to the book, there it was.
Luiza and I corresponded a few times over this past year, and then last week I tracked down her email address again to write to her. I wanted to let her know that I was walking the Celtic Camino, and also about Sue being on Own It, Sister! Radio. In the past week, we have now corresponded several times and Luiza has been sharing with me both some rich and revealing information, and asking rich and probing questions. Thank you, Luiza.
Luiza is my Celtic Camino Angel. She is bringing Sintra to me. In her email yesterday, she shared her experience in Sintra with me, that was in its essence, an initiation. She was privy to one of the core teachings of the Camino: As above, so below...and in her words to me, she said, "this applies to your Celtic Camino."
The Camino at work. The Camino provides exactly what you need, and you can receive it as long as you stay open, and willing to listen to and honor the impulses from within... to ask so many questions, and the right questions, that the hidden places are revealed.
When I walked into Santiago last year, I walked into the city by myself. For 10 days, I had walked with the group - Vanda, Linda, Wendy and Paul, led by Sue. When we gathered at the top of Mont Gozo, we had already agreed that we would walk into Santiago individually, so my assumption was that was what we were still doing. Linda had just arrived and I knew that I was ready to keep walking. So I decided to head on, by myself, out of our agreement. It felt so right to walk by myself this last day of the Camino. Not sure why, but I felt very content, strong, and connected to myself, and I wanted to own for myself entering Santiago and the Old City. I felt great, and I also felt sad that this wonderful journey was coming to an end. I wanted to be with all of my own experience. I knew that this day would be my last day of simply being on the path and walking. I had my own experience of seeing the Cathedral for the first time, of walking around it, of entering into it as hundreds of pilgrims poured out of the noon Pilgrims' Mass. I went by myself to the Pilgrims' Office to receive my compostela that I had completed El Camino de Santiago and was now officially a Camino pilgrim. I found the hotel by myself. I was actually very happy and content.
It was all good until I met up with the group later in the afternoon at our hotel. I found out that they had all walked in together. They had gotten a different compostela (certificate) than I had received - they had the "right" one. Somehow I received the "wrong" one because I had said my pilgrimage was not "religious". I actually spent quite a bit of time trying to get the "right" one because I wanted to do it "right" and have the same compostela that they had. (It turns out that I actually love my compostela and its beautiful design.) They had all entered together. They had gone to the Cathedral together. They had shared a special treat together.
I felt so alone, and so separate from the group. I felt ashamed that I had gone off by myself. I felt not included and unloved. I felt as though I had done something very wrong by leaving the group, doing something on my own, and enjoying myself for having done so. There I was - in the culmination of El Camino...and as it turns out, in the initiation of the Celtic Camino.
First Chakra. According to Carolyn Myss, the first chakra is:
the foundation of emotional and mental health. Your connection to traditional family beliefs supports the formation of identity and a sense of belonging to a group.My Camino group had become my family on the Camino for the past ten days, and I had been an integral part of the group. I experienced a sense of belonging and my being in this group did inform my identity as a pilgrim on this Camino.
And then I made this decision, out of what I had understood to be the "family" or group agreement, to walk in to Santiago by myself, only to find out that I was the only one who made that choice.
All of my issues with family, belonging, identity, and connection flared up for me. It was so hard. Yet, there it all was - the issues of the first chakra up to be acknowledged, healed, worked through and integrated. In my few days in Santiago with the group, I came to realize that I was loved, I still was part of the group, and that even though I had walked in by myself and had not experienced completing the Camino with them, that the only thing that was separating me from the group was me. It was my own issues and challenges with being myself, honoring myself, even if - even when - it meant I had to do something apart from all of them.
I walked into the first chakra through this heightened, intense experience with my Camino "family" in Santiago, the site of the first chakra of the Celtic Camino. As I completed the one journey, I simultaneously began the other.
Now, here I am preparing to begin it again...and the inner preparation has begun.
Last night we enjoyed an evening with 3 of my closest friends and all of our husbands. I had seen Thia and Andy last weekend and Thia had asked about the Camino then. When I shared that I was going back, I felt that what I was sharing was bringing up her own stuff. So last night, after everyone else had left the table, we talked for a short while privately. I felt myself want to insist how scared I was feeling about all of this - that this was big and scary, and that my doubts were up. It was like I really wanted her to know that. That it wasn't all just wonderful and exciting and expanding. I shrank with her - in my attempt to take care of her, out of what I perceived last week in her, and ultimately, so that she would still love me and include me in her life, even though I was taking off and doing something out of the ordinary and out of our daily lives.
I watched myself do this. On one hand, I couldn't believe I was doing it. On the other hand, it felt so natural and familiar. This is my first chakra programming. To cultivate my own sense of belonging and connection to my family, and my friends, I give them what I think they want and need. If they want me to be small and scared, and not know what I want, then that is what I will give them...and have given them for years and years. I split from my true self, and I become what I think they want and need from me. I have so desperately wanted them to feel comfortable with me, and to love and accept me because I want them to continue to want me to be a part of their lives. I want them to want me and to include me, so I have been willing to do whatever it takes, even separate from and abandon myself.
So here it is, presenting itself to me in undeniable terms. Thank you, thank you. My preparation has begun. My commitment to myself and to the Celtic Camino is to take the next step and to call Thia and share with her what I have done, and to complete this dynamic with her. Part of stepping onto the Celtic Camino is the recognition that the challenges and circumstances that present themselves are all part of the journey, and that how I respond to, deal with, work with these challenges is actually how I walk the pilgrimage. In Whitney's words, "how I deal with anything is how I deal with everything." They are reflective of each other, and inform each other. The journey starts right here, right now. And my commitment to myself, to being a pilgrim, and to the Celtic Camino is integrity, connection, and love, all out of my soul's intention to heal the split.
Suseya!
Sarah
Friday, August 20, 2010
Life is in the Details
Providence does happen.
Yesterday I happened to be downtown near the Title 9 store on Pearl Street. I may need to buy a light weight and warm coat for the Celtic Camino since we will be crossing the Pyrenees until mid-November. As I wandered around the store, the manager and I started a very casual conversation. Two major things unfolded during this conversation. As we talked, I mentioned that I am going to walk the Camino. She became curious about what and where it was, and asked me if I was going with my little one. I quickly said "no" but became suspicious - did she think I was pregnant?
All of my issues around my belly and looking pregnant flared up. Really? Does she really think that? I walked around the store a little more, and while I tried on a pair of pants, I resolved to ask her if this is what she meant. This decision to ask was another little life-turning decision.
I did buy a 3 pack of underwear - the kind you can wash and wear quickly and easily. When I was purchasing them, I asked her, "So, did you think that I was pregnant?" or something along those lines. She responded with a "No, I thought you had a little guy. Don't you come in the store with a young child?" Hmm...no, I don't and you must be thinking of someone else.
Not sure that I 100% believed her, but willing to give her the credit of the doubt. If I believed her, then I had to let go of my sensativity about my belly and that I must have looked pregnant. If not that then, what else? Was I willing to this go and be really present in the conversation?
Interesting opportunity for choice, eh?
I chose to be present.
And in this moment, the manager, whose name I found out is Susan, reminded me about putting up a flyer in the store, and then, in her next breath, offered me the possibility of giving a talk on the Camino in the store. They could keep the store open late one evening, I could bring pictures, they could put up a screen for showing the pictures, and I could give a talk. In this moment, I was invited to be speak about the Camino.
Spirit was inviting me, through Susan, to become a Pilgrimage Speaker.
I said YES.
When I finish writing here this morning, I am going to email her to set this up. I am going to speak about the Camino, going on a pilgrimage, and the Celtic Camino.
Thank you Spirit. Thank you Susan.
What I learned in this microcosmic interaction is that in every moment we have the opportunity to make a choice: to be present in what is, or to be in our stuff, our triggers. We can be open and receptive, or we can be contracted and restricted. One choice allows for the flow and connection; the other choice repels the flow and cuts it off. And it's in these daily interactions and details that our life shows up, that our life shapes itself and that we show who we truly are.
I just saw something on Facebook from Laura Day - she said that "life is in the details." Perhaps this is one of those details that actually is something much bigger too, and how we show up and relate to the details is a reflection of how we show up in our lives.
The Celtic Camino continues to pull me...to call me forth. Thank you. I wonder what I will say YES to today?
Suseya!
Sahara
Yesterday I happened to be downtown near the Title 9 store on Pearl Street. I may need to buy a light weight and warm coat for the Celtic Camino since we will be crossing the Pyrenees until mid-November. As I wandered around the store, the manager and I started a very casual conversation. Two major things unfolded during this conversation. As we talked, I mentioned that I am going to walk the Camino. She became curious about what and where it was, and asked me if I was going with my little one. I quickly said "no" but became suspicious - did she think I was pregnant?
All of my issues around my belly and looking pregnant flared up. Really? Does she really think that? I walked around the store a little more, and while I tried on a pair of pants, I resolved to ask her if this is what she meant. This decision to ask was another little life-turning decision.
I did buy a 3 pack of underwear - the kind you can wash and wear quickly and easily. When I was purchasing them, I asked her, "So, did you think that I was pregnant?" or something along those lines. She responded with a "No, I thought you had a little guy. Don't you come in the store with a young child?" Hmm...no, I don't and you must be thinking of someone else.
Not sure that I 100% believed her, but willing to give her the credit of the doubt. If I believed her, then I had to let go of my sensativity about my belly and that I must have looked pregnant. If not that then, what else? Was I willing to this go and be really present in the conversation?
Interesting opportunity for choice, eh?
I chose to be present.
And in this moment, the manager, whose name I found out is Susan, reminded me about putting up a flyer in the store, and then, in her next breath, offered me the possibility of giving a talk on the Camino in the store. They could keep the store open late one evening, I could bring pictures, they could put up a screen for showing the pictures, and I could give a talk. In this moment, I was invited to be speak about the Camino.
Spirit was inviting me, through Susan, to become a Pilgrimage Speaker.
I said YES.
When I finish writing here this morning, I am going to email her to set this up. I am going to speak about the Camino, going on a pilgrimage, and the Celtic Camino.
Thank you Spirit. Thank you Susan.
What I learned in this microcosmic interaction is that in every moment we have the opportunity to make a choice: to be present in what is, or to be in our stuff, our triggers. We can be open and receptive, or we can be contracted and restricted. One choice allows for the flow and connection; the other choice repels the flow and cuts it off. And it's in these daily interactions and details that our life shows up, that our life shapes itself and that we show who we truly are.
I just saw something on Facebook from Laura Day - she said that "life is in the details." Perhaps this is one of those details that actually is something much bigger too, and how we show up and relate to the details is a reflection of how we show up in our lives.
The Celtic Camino continues to pull me...to call me forth. Thank you. I wonder what I will say YES to today?
Suseya!
Sahara
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Making a Decision - Getting to YES!
Kids are back in school and I am getting up early again. It feels good. So much is moving, happening that I can barely keep up. I feel like I am riding a huge wave and that all there is to do is stay up and really enjoy the ride. It's moving fast, yet there is also this feeling like it is both carrying and holding me as I ride it. It is actually an amazing experience and a paradox. I am riding this wave that is a force unto itself and yet I feel more held, and centered in my being than when I am standing on solid earth.
Last week I made one of the most powerful decisions of my life. I decided to WALK the first stage of the Celtic Camino this fall, AND to lead a group of women on the first leg from Santiago to Leon. I want to share how this happened.
While Grace was away with my brother, Nick, and his family, Sharon called me one day to mention that she had woken up that morning and was very clear that she was to walk the Camino this fall. Was I game? That one conversation was THE catalyst that rearranged all the molecules and got everything moving.
What has been going on simultaneously to this is that Whitney, Jeanie and I had been making the decision (another decision that actually had a huge impact on the decision I was making around pilgrimages) to complete Own It, Sister! Radio at the end of August. Another big decision as we have all loved doing the show, have had great guests, over 35,000 subscribers to our show, but no dollars coming in. Without the financial support to keep it going, and the show becoming self-sustaining, it was clear to all of us that it was time to make a decision. And so we did - a consciously chosen decision to end the show and go dormant with Own It, Sister!. There's the saying that as one door closes, another window opens. What opened my window was that I knew that what's next for the three of us was to really, truly, deeply own our "it". The radio show with all of our wonderful and rich conversations prepared us to step up and really walk our talk. I can see coming back in a year or two and recording a podcast with each of us sharing what "owning our it" really looks like and what's possible, what's available through owning it. Now that is going to be a powerful conversation!
I spent last week then deeply processing and getting coached. I knew that I wanted to get to a resounding YES. I was in a "yes, but..." but not the full committed yes. I was reminded at the "More Life" conference that I went to recently that everything starts with a decision, and nothing happens without one. I knew I had to make a full and resonant decision if I was actually going back to the Camino. I also knew that now is the time to make DreamWeavings, my coaching business, a financially successful business. It's no longer "either/or" - the time is now for "both/and." I could hear myself playing out thoughts in my mind, "well, I'll go on the Camino, and then when I come home, I will figure out how to bring it all together."
Thanks to brilliant coaching from Maggie, my new business coach, Melissa, one of my co-coaches, and Reggie, my Dream coach and mentor, I found, felt and spoke my YES. When Maggie challenged me to go for creating a group to lead - when she said, "Sarah, what do you have to lose by going for it? So what that it's last minute...just go for it.", I realized that I had such a golden opportunity to claim fully who I am and what I am doing. I also realize that a key piece in my decision was the loving and generous support from Steve and the kids. I am amazed that they just keep stepping up and opening their hearts to support and love me, even when it means that we will be apart for awhile.
I AM A PILGRIMAGE COACH, AUTHOR AND SPEAKER.
My choosing to lead a group is my being a pilgrimage coach in action and in actuality.
Each hour of coaching that I received last week moved me forward into my YES and also supported me to refine, clarify, and commit. Reggie asked me, "Are you willing to go on this Celtic Camino even if no one can, even if Sharon backs out? Is your passion and your commitment for this bigger than any one person? These questions asked me to dig really deep into myself and beyond my fears of doing it alone, and find my deep, resounding, soul- spoken YES. It was when I said YES to my going no matter what, that I knew in my heart, soul and body that I had made my decision. YES, YES, YES.
The word "decide" comes from the Latin dēcīdere, literally: to cut off, from caedere to cut (dictionary.com) as in when you decide to do or be something, you cut off from all other possibilities. In my decision, while I could feel cutting off from a host of other choices and possibilities, I also felt a connection and a cohesion occur within me. In saying YES, I owned who I am, and what I truly want to do and how I want to serve. I committed to my life's divine purpose as it is unfolding now. I am owning my "IT".
I keep thinking of Goethe's words:
Until one is committed
There is hesitancy, the chance to draw back
Always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative (and Creation)
There is one elementary truth
The ignorance which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:
That the moment that one definitely commits ones self
Then Providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one
That would never otherwise have occurred.
A whole stream of events issues from the decision
Raising in one’s favor all manner
Of unforeseen incidents and meetings
And material substance
Which no one could have dreamt
Would have come your way.
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. ---Goethe
I repeat these words because this is exactly what I have been experiencing over the past week:
That the moment that one definitely commits ones self
Then Providence moves too.
Providence feels unifying to me. All these events, connections, resources, and whatever else is needed line up to support you, to impulse into actions and results that move you forward, step by step, along your path. I am amazed and so grateful for each and every expression of Providence that has come my way to support my walking from Santiago to Toulouse, and ultimately, the whole Celtic Camino. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
We each have a powerful and sacred dream inside of us that we are here to express and fulfill. I believe this with all of my heart and soul. This may be one of my most fundamental beliefs. Mine just happens to be to walk the Celtic Camino, to be a pilgrim, and to coach, lead and support others to be a "pilgrim" in their lives. Being a pilgrim means that you are willing to do the extraordinary to find your path and walk it, live it, express it, share it and fulfill it, whatever that path may be for you. It may be a sacred pilgrimage in another country; it may be in the midst of your life right here, in front of you. It may be both. The question comes down to how do we live our lives with the openness of a pilgrim? How do we simply take the next step forward knowing that we are walking toward our destination, but that the journey is the pilgrimage, not the arrival? How do we live as a pilgrim when we don't know what or where our destination is?
I have a client who is exploring her decision to commit to her pilgrimage of relationship. Intimate partnership is her big hairy monster in the closet, so to say yes to relationship is to say yes to a journey that is far bigger, more scary and more rewarding than creating a month in Amsterdam with her 4 year old child as a single mom. And that was big, and wonderful, and challenging, and fulfilling in and of itself.
There is a pilgrimage in each of us that is calling us - calling on us walk it, explore it, and live it. It is the journey of the unknown, that requires us to step out of our comfortable life and open ourselves to what we don't know that we don't even know we don't know about ourselves. This is where the magic and the juice are. This is where we can open ourselves up to our soul's path, and live a rich and fulfilling life connected to who we really are, to what we really want, to why we are truly here on Earth, at this time, in this body.
Do you know what else I learned recently? Whatever it is that we truly, deeply desire - the means to fulfill it already exists. Do you get that? The means to fulfill what we really want already exists.
This idea, this truth was a game changer for me. It completely overturned my old paradigm and gave me a new, empowering, get out of the way paradigm to operate out of. This may be in and of itself the catalyst, the new stone in my foundation that is making my walking the Celtic Camino, leading pilgrimage groups, writing my book and then speaking about it, all possible. If this is what I truly desire, and IT IS, then I also know that the means to fulfill all of this is already here. I just have to get out of the way, be open, receive the guidance and impulses to move me into aligned and right action around it, and trust.
What do you deeply desire?
Suseya!
Sarah
Last week I made one of the most powerful decisions of my life. I decided to WALK the first stage of the Celtic Camino this fall, AND to lead a group of women on the first leg from Santiago to Leon. I want to share how this happened.
While Grace was away with my brother, Nick, and his family, Sharon called me one day to mention that she had woken up that morning and was very clear that she was to walk the Camino this fall. Was I game? That one conversation was THE catalyst that rearranged all the molecules and got everything moving.
What has been going on simultaneously to this is that Whitney, Jeanie and I had been making the decision (another decision that actually had a huge impact on the decision I was making around pilgrimages) to complete Own It, Sister! Radio at the end of August. Another big decision as we have all loved doing the show, have had great guests, over 35,000 subscribers to our show, but no dollars coming in. Without the financial support to keep it going, and the show becoming self-sustaining, it was clear to all of us that it was time to make a decision. And so we did - a consciously chosen decision to end the show and go dormant with Own It, Sister!. There's the saying that as one door closes, another window opens. What opened my window was that I knew that what's next for the three of us was to really, truly, deeply own our "it". The radio show with all of our wonderful and rich conversations prepared us to step up and really walk our talk. I can see coming back in a year or two and recording a podcast with each of us sharing what "owning our it" really looks like and what's possible, what's available through owning it. Now that is going to be a powerful conversation!
I spent last week then deeply processing and getting coached. I knew that I wanted to get to a resounding YES. I was in a "yes, but..." but not the full committed yes. I was reminded at the "More Life" conference that I went to recently that everything starts with a decision, and nothing happens without one. I knew I had to make a full and resonant decision if I was actually going back to the Camino. I also knew that now is the time to make DreamWeavings, my coaching business, a financially successful business. It's no longer "either/or" - the time is now for "both/and." I could hear myself playing out thoughts in my mind, "well, I'll go on the Camino, and then when I come home, I will figure out how to bring it all together."
Thanks to brilliant coaching from Maggie, my new business coach, Melissa, one of my co-coaches, and Reggie, my Dream coach and mentor, I found, felt and spoke my YES. When Maggie challenged me to go for creating a group to lead - when she said, "Sarah, what do you have to lose by going for it? So what that it's last minute...just go for it.", I realized that I had such a golden opportunity to claim fully who I am and what I am doing. I also realize that a key piece in my decision was the loving and generous support from Steve and the kids. I am amazed that they just keep stepping up and opening their hearts to support and love me, even when it means that we will be apart for awhile.
I AM A PILGRIMAGE COACH, AUTHOR AND SPEAKER.
My choosing to lead a group is my being a pilgrimage coach in action and in actuality.
Each hour of coaching that I received last week moved me forward into my YES and also supported me to refine, clarify, and commit. Reggie asked me, "Are you willing to go on this Celtic Camino even if no one can, even if Sharon backs out? Is your passion and your commitment for this bigger than any one person? These questions asked me to dig really deep into myself and beyond my fears of doing it alone, and find my deep, resounding, soul- spoken YES. It was when I said YES to my going no matter what, that I knew in my heart, soul and body that I had made my decision. YES, YES, YES.
The word "decide" comes from the Latin dēcīdere, literally: to cut off, from caedere to cut (dictionary.com) as in when you decide to do or be something, you cut off from all other possibilities. In my decision, while I could feel cutting off from a host of other choices and possibilities, I also felt a connection and a cohesion occur within me. In saying YES, I owned who I am, and what I truly want to do and how I want to serve. I committed to my life's divine purpose as it is unfolding now. I am owning my "IT".
I keep thinking of Goethe's words:
Until one is committed
There is hesitancy, the chance to draw back
Always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative (and Creation)
There is one elementary truth
The ignorance which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:
That the moment that one definitely commits ones self
Then Providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one
That would never otherwise have occurred.
A whole stream of events issues from the decision
Raising in one’s favor all manner
Of unforeseen incidents and meetings
And material substance
Which no one could have dreamt
Would have come your way.
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. ---Goethe
I repeat these words because this is exactly what I have been experiencing over the past week:
That the moment that one definitely commits ones self
Then Providence moves too.
Providence feels unifying to me. All these events, connections, resources, and whatever else is needed line up to support you, to impulse into actions and results that move you forward, step by step, along your path. I am amazed and so grateful for each and every expression of Providence that has come my way to support my walking from Santiago to Toulouse, and ultimately, the whole Celtic Camino. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
We each have a powerful and sacred dream inside of us that we are here to express and fulfill. I believe this with all of my heart and soul. This may be one of my most fundamental beliefs. Mine just happens to be to walk the Celtic Camino, to be a pilgrim, and to coach, lead and support others to be a "pilgrim" in their lives. Being a pilgrim means that you are willing to do the extraordinary to find your path and walk it, live it, express it, share it and fulfill it, whatever that path may be for you. It may be a sacred pilgrimage in another country; it may be in the midst of your life right here, in front of you. It may be both. The question comes down to how do we live our lives with the openness of a pilgrim? How do we simply take the next step forward knowing that we are walking toward our destination, but that the journey is the pilgrimage, not the arrival? How do we live as a pilgrim when we don't know what or where our destination is?
I have a client who is exploring her decision to commit to her pilgrimage of relationship. Intimate partnership is her big hairy monster in the closet, so to say yes to relationship is to say yes to a journey that is far bigger, more scary and more rewarding than creating a month in Amsterdam with her 4 year old child as a single mom. And that was big, and wonderful, and challenging, and fulfilling in and of itself.
There is a pilgrimage in each of us that is calling us - calling on us walk it, explore it, and live it. It is the journey of the unknown, that requires us to step out of our comfortable life and open ourselves to what we don't know that we don't even know we don't know about ourselves. This is where the magic and the juice are. This is where we can open ourselves up to our soul's path, and live a rich and fulfilling life connected to who we really are, to what we really want, to why we are truly here on Earth, at this time, in this body.
Do you know what else I learned recently? Whatever it is that we truly, deeply desire - the means to fulfill it already exists. Do you get that? The means to fulfill what we really want already exists.
This idea, this truth was a game changer for me. It completely overturned my old paradigm and gave me a new, empowering, get out of the way paradigm to operate out of. This may be in and of itself the catalyst, the new stone in my foundation that is making my walking the Celtic Camino, leading pilgrimage groups, writing my book and then speaking about it, all possible. If this is what I truly desire, and IT IS, then I also know that the means to fulfill all of this is already here. I just have to get out of the way, be open, receive the guidance and impulses to move me into aligned and right action around it, and trust.
What do you deeply desire?
Suseya!
Sarah
Friday, August 13, 2010
The Paradox of the Journey
As summer vacation begins to wind down and the start of school is just around the corner, I am excited to get back to writing my blog. I've missed it; I've missed creating the time to just write and integrate my thoughts and experiences through writing. A synthesis occurs when I write that can also occur when I am sharing intimately with another person, but there is something about writing for me that opens up a deep space of knowing and inner wisdom, and revelation.
This past month has been a whirlwind. Vacation, coming home, losing Molly, our black lab - whose presence and love I miss so dearly, making a decision to complete Own It, Sister! Radio by the end of the month, and opening to the possibility of walking the Celtic Camino. I've heard that things are happening fast these days, but whew!
I have known that we were going to need to make a decision around Own It, Sister! (OIS) We have not been able to make money from the show or from our offerings through the show, despite our heroic efforts in May and June. So sad, and also so okay. "When a door closes, another window opens." Perhaps we have been trying to push OIS - for all of the right reasons - but it has served its purpose. We are allowing it to go dormant, while each of us owns our it fully and powerfully. Perhaps we'll come back together to speak about the process of owning it from the other side!
I feel sad, frustrated and relieved. I also can tell that I am not willing to put a lot more energy into the venture right now...there is another part of me that is being called forth into my it, and to stay with OIS would be to stay back, stay safe and not allowing myself to be in the flow. So I am letting go of the edges of the river and allowing myself to be taken by the current.
A year ago I had returned from the Camino and knew that I wanted to go back and that I wanted to lead pilgrimage groups. But I hadn't cultivated something inside of me to give me the strength and the container for my passion to actually allow this to happen. This has been the gift of this past year with OIS. I wasn't ready to embrace this calling a year ago. I wanted it, but needed this year to "heal the split."
The Celtic Camino is a pilgrimage of initiation. I knew that, but I didn't know what I was being intitiated into. In many ways, I still don't! What I do know right now is that I have had to become a cohered chalice for my Self, my Divine path and my soul's work. Otherwise, I would just continue to leak out the energy, wisdom, and knowledge that I have cultivated and received and never be able to generate the alchemy necessary for spiritual transformation and evolution. Thank you Spirit for bringing me home, for OIS, and for this year of recognizing the split and for beginning the healing of it.
With OIS ending as it has been, I have been asking "What next?" What am I to own - really, truly, deeply own?
I am so blessed that it is right here within me, my heart, my belly and my soul.
I AM PEREGRINA, A WOMAN PILGRIM WHO WALKS TO RESPOND TO AND HONOR THE DIVINE FEMININE. I am here to walk the sacred leylines of the Earth "with footprints of light" and to heal the split between Heaven and Earth, in answer to the call from the Black Madonna.
Expressing myself as the pilgrim, more precisely the "peregrina" (I wish we had a word in the English language that distinguished masculine and feminine pilgrims, so for now I will use peregrina), I am answering the call to walk the first stage of the Celtic Camino this fall.
I am leading a divine group of 7 women, the 7 Sisters, including myself, on the first leg of the first stage from Santiago to Leon.
I am then walking on from Leon to Toulouse to complete the first stage, to walk from the first chakra to the second chakra.
I am a pilgrimage coach, author and speaker.
Sharon and I spoke a couple of weeks ago and she said that she wants to walk the Celtic Camino with me this fall. Really? That statement was the catalyst to start the turning the wheels, and here I am, August 13th - FRIDAY THE 13th, an auspicious day, declaring that:
WITH DEEP GRATITUDE TO THE DIVINE FEMININE, in all of her beauty, power and magic, I AM WALKING THE FIRST STAGE OF THE CELTIC CAMINO THIS FALL TO HEAL THE SPLIT, TO HEAL AND LOVE THE EARTH, AND TO HONOR THE BLACK MADONNA, THE DIVINE FEMININE.
As I wrote that, I was taken immediately back to my being in the cathedral in Santiago standing in front of the Black Madonna. She was the relic that spoke to me and resonated in my bones and being. She was the one who called me forth, and opened my heart, soul and body. She was the one who asked me to recognize the split in my belly so that I could heal it. She was the one who received my pain and separation so that I would no longer have to feel pain and separation. She is the one who asked me to WALK the Celtic Camino and claim it as LA CAMINA. She is the one who has patiently waited for me this past year to hear this calling and to respond with a YES.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am honored to walk the Celtic Camino in your name and with your loving presence. I am honored that with each footstep of light and love, we heal the split in all of its forms and expression and we close the gap.
This is the paradox...and as Carolyn Myss says, that paradox is the language of Spirit.
So, while we want to heal the split and bring the polarities or opposites together, we also want to recognize and honor their distinctions. It is at that point of meeting that the magic, or alchemy occurs. It is here that we experience the portal - it is through the union, the divine and sacred union of the opposites, that we experience the extraordinary - the connection with All-That-Is and with the truth of who we are.
So as we walk the Celtic Camino, we heal the split and we bring the dualities together so that they can touch, they can relate and engage. We open up the possibility of the sacred union in reclaiming the Feminine, and bringing Her back up from the depths of the Earth. She is asking us to walk the sacred Camino to magnetize Her to the surface of the Earth at the same time as we bring bring the Light down from the Heavens. With each step, we experience the sacred union of the Divine Feminine and Masculine, matter and spirit, Heaven and Earth.
This is why we walk the Celtic Camino, as we walk the path that follows the sacred configuration up through the 7 chakras of Mother Earth, we infuse our own bodies and chakras with the same healing energy. It is a profoundly personal and intimate journey that gifts and serves the Earth, humanity and the cosmos with every step.
Thank you, thank you for this calling. Thank you.
Suseya!
Sahara
This past month has been a whirlwind. Vacation, coming home, losing Molly, our black lab - whose presence and love I miss so dearly, making a decision to complete Own It, Sister! Radio by the end of the month, and opening to the possibility of walking the Celtic Camino. I've heard that things are happening fast these days, but whew!
I have known that we were going to need to make a decision around Own It, Sister! (OIS) We have not been able to make money from the show or from our offerings through the show, despite our heroic efforts in May and June. So sad, and also so okay. "When a door closes, another window opens." Perhaps we have been trying to push OIS - for all of the right reasons - but it has served its purpose. We are allowing it to go dormant, while each of us owns our it fully and powerfully. Perhaps we'll come back together to speak about the process of owning it from the other side!
I feel sad, frustrated and relieved. I also can tell that I am not willing to put a lot more energy into the venture right now...there is another part of me that is being called forth into my it, and to stay with OIS would be to stay back, stay safe and not allowing myself to be in the flow. So I am letting go of the edges of the river and allowing myself to be taken by the current.
A year ago I had returned from the Camino and knew that I wanted to go back and that I wanted to lead pilgrimage groups. But I hadn't cultivated something inside of me to give me the strength and the container for my passion to actually allow this to happen. This has been the gift of this past year with OIS. I wasn't ready to embrace this calling a year ago. I wanted it, but needed this year to "heal the split."
The Celtic Camino is a pilgrimage of initiation. I knew that, but I didn't know what I was being intitiated into. In many ways, I still don't! What I do know right now is that I have had to become a cohered chalice for my Self, my Divine path and my soul's work. Otherwise, I would just continue to leak out the energy, wisdom, and knowledge that I have cultivated and received and never be able to generate the alchemy necessary for spiritual transformation and evolution. Thank you Spirit for bringing me home, for OIS, and for this year of recognizing the split and for beginning the healing of it.
With OIS ending as it has been, I have been asking "What next?" What am I to own - really, truly, deeply own?
I am so blessed that it is right here within me, my heart, my belly and my soul.
I AM PEREGRINA, A WOMAN PILGRIM WHO WALKS TO RESPOND TO AND HONOR THE DIVINE FEMININE. I am here to walk the sacred leylines of the Earth "with footprints of light" and to heal the split between Heaven and Earth, in answer to the call from the Black Madonna.
Expressing myself as the pilgrim, more precisely the "peregrina" (I wish we had a word in the English language that distinguished masculine and feminine pilgrims, so for now I will use peregrina), I am answering the call to walk the first stage of the Celtic Camino this fall.
I am leading a divine group of 7 women, the 7 Sisters, including myself, on the first leg of the first stage from Santiago to Leon.
I am then walking on from Leon to Toulouse to complete the first stage, to walk from the first chakra to the second chakra.
I am a pilgrimage coach, author and speaker.
Sharon and I spoke a couple of weeks ago and she said that she wants to walk the Celtic Camino with me this fall. Really? That statement was the catalyst to start the turning the wheels, and here I am, August 13th - FRIDAY THE 13th, an auspicious day, declaring that:
WITH DEEP GRATITUDE TO THE DIVINE FEMININE, in all of her beauty, power and magic, I AM WALKING THE FIRST STAGE OF THE CELTIC CAMINO THIS FALL TO HEAL THE SPLIT, TO HEAL AND LOVE THE EARTH, AND TO HONOR THE BLACK MADONNA, THE DIVINE FEMININE.
As I wrote that, I was taken immediately back to my being in the cathedral in Santiago standing in front of the Black Madonna. She was the relic that spoke to me and resonated in my bones and being. She was the one who called me forth, and opened my heart, soul and body. She was the one who asked me to recognize the split in my belly so that I could heal it. She was the one who received my pain and separation so that I would no longer have to feel pain and separation. She is the one who asked me to WALK the Celtic Camino and claim it as LA CAMINA. She is the one who has patiently waited for me this past year to hear this calling and to respond with a YES.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am honored to walk the Celtic Camino in your name and with your loving presence. I am honored that with each footstep of light and love, we heal the split in all of its forms and expression and we close the gap.
The gap, the seam is the place of union, or in Rajanaka Tantra terms, a place of remembrance. The gap is a portal, a doorway into seeing that the extraordinary is here in the everyday. The difference is in RECOGNITION. (www.jeaniemanchester.com)As I included this quote from Jeanie's website, and re-read it, I am wondering for the first time, do we want to close the gap and erase all markings of the scar? Or is there another way of "healing" the split, the gap? Is it important to remember that the split could always happen again without our being aware of the fine line that it is between either/or and both/and? Is is important to know that is the Tao, the yin AND the yang, and that together, in union and an acknowledgment of their individuality,is essential.
This is the paradox...and as Carolyn Myss says, that paradox is the language of Spirit.
So, while we want to heal the split and bring the polarities or opposites together, we also want to recognize and honor their distinctions. It is at that point of meeting that the magic, or alchemy occurs. It is here that we experience the portal - it is through the union, the divine and sacred union of the opposites, that we experience the extraordinary - the connection with All-That-Is and with the truth of who we are.
So as we walk the Celtic Camino, we heal the split and we bring the dualities together so that they can touch, they can relate and engage. We open up the possibility of the sacred union in reclaiming the Feminine, and bringing Her back up from the depths of the Earth. She is asking us to walk the sacred Camino to magnetize Her to the surface of the Earth at the same time as we bring bring the Light down from the Heavens. With each step, we experience the sacred union of the Divine Feminine and Masculine, matter and spirit, Heaven and Earth.
This is why we walk the Celtic Camino, as we walk the path that follows the sacred configuration up through the 7 chakras of Mother Earth, we infuse our own bodies and chakras with the same healing energy. It is a profoundly personal and intimate journey that gifts and serves the Earth, humanity and the cosmos with every step.
Thank you, thank you for this calling. Thank you.
Suseya!
Sahara
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)