Healing the Split from my Mother, Part 2

2 Days Later

I have been ruminating the line that my mother said that other night about I "have not let her mother me."

Yesterday Sharon and I went for a walk and she suggested an alternative meaning for this - that I did not allow my mother's view of the world to infilitrate me.  I did not allow her in nor allow the way she sees or experiences the world to become my world view.  In this way, I did not allow her to mother me.  I could totally get this.  I let her in to take care of me, to feed me, to be a mom in these respects, but I did not let her or her beliefs in.  Oh, at times they slipped in through the cracks, believe me! Such as one time after I had been outside playing in the creek at Redbird Hollow with Lori.  We had spent all day just being outside, playing on the rocks and in the water.  I felt so full and alive, connected to Nature.  I came home and I am sure excitedly shared what I had done, only to meet my mother's "A dangerous man could have been out there.  You shouldn't have been out there by yourselves."  That one went in and twisted in me, sapping my confidence and joy.

How does all of this relate to the split?

My mother see, feel and experience the world very differently, and it feels as though I have known this for a very long time.  Not that I could have put it into words when I was 2 or  3 years old, but in my being and body, I knew that my world view did not match hers.  Now, as a 51 year old woman, I can look back and realize what was going on for me and what choices I made to survive and to belong - the core issues of the root chakra.

I chose to split from my true self, and what I knew to be truth, so that I could be safe and loved by my mother.  Yet, here's the paradox - I also still kept her at arm's length, letting her just so far so that she would feel that she could influence and mother me, but not so close that she could infiltrate me and take over.  I have walked a very thin, tight line with my mother all of my life.  I split from myself enough so that I wouldn't be in a constant state of inner conflict, and so that I could be in my family peacefully enough.  Because I had split from my own core self and beliefs, I learned how to look outside of myself to figure out what was the "right" thing to do, or be.  My center became externally located.   I couldn't, and didn't just buy into my mother's reality, although much of how she perceives the world did slip in and quite honestly, these beliefs have always felt like alien entities in my being.  Being a part of the tribe and my family was more important to me than being true to myself.

There are two levels of conversation going on here, that I am having a hard time writing about.  So let's tease them out from each other.

There is the personality level of the dynamic with my mother.  As a little girl, I very clearly chose that being a part of my family, being loved and accepted, and being taken care of was way more important than being true to myself.  It wasn't even an issue.  I have really tried to be a good and loving daughter.  I have tried to do things her way.  I did whatever I had to do to ensure my safety and survival.  If that meant splitting off from my Self, so be it.  Price worth paying.

Then there is the soul level of the dynamic.  While I could split off and be separated from myself, my Soul has very clearly been here all along!  The truth is that one cannot split from one's soul.  We can forget, we can disengage, but we cannot split.  And the soul is way more powerful and omnipresent than our personality anyway.  So all along, my soul has quietly been whispering in my ear, gently steering me, having me put up shields to protect myself, dropping books and resources in my lap that resonate with a deep place within me and call me into being, make choices that pull me out of ordinary life - go to Australia, go to Feathered Pipe Ranch, walk the Camino.  I could be sleepy, but not fully asleep!

Now I know why I chose Paulo Coehlo's quote from The Pilgrimage: 

‎"By changing the way you do routine things you allow a new person to grow inside of you."

Perhaps my quote would read, "By periodically choosing to let go of the routine life, you allow your true self to grow inside of you."   

While it has been very hard and challenging to keep my mother at arm's length, it has also been in my highest good.   It has actually been my soul's journey to create a split within myself, to recognize the split, to choose to heal it, to re-connect with my Self, to align with my Soul's path, and to walk it, express it, dance it, embrace it!

Yesterday as I walked I experienced a profound shift and healing in my first chakra.  All these years, my chakra has been spinning backwards, as I have looked outside of myself for reflection, confirmation that I am loved and accepted, and that I am doing it right.  Split off from my core self, my anchor became externalized into my family, and especially into my mother. 

Yesterday, I decided to look at my relationship with my mother from a higher perspective, and experience such gratitude and acceptance for her and for our relationship.  My mother has been willing to play the role of someone for me to push against for my whole life so that I could receive this lesson and know that I am at choice.  

Suseya!