I just keep taking the next step on this journey. Yesterday I took an unexpected, but not surprising step during my session with Betsy.
Betsy has been coming to me to learn how to be an "intuitive." I had put her off for several years, because I really didn't know how to teach her. Finally, this spring after she attended my trial WEALTHY Woman class, I decided to open up to the possibility of "teaching" her. Betsy came for her second session yesterday. She started out by asking how long I have been doing this, which triggered a little something in me but I simply answered after reviewing my personal timeline, "7 years."
We went on into our session. Betsy opened up the coning in which we would do our work together. Basically, a coning is the container out of which I do my "intuitive" work. Another way of thinking about is that this is how I "plug" in to Source.
How an intuitive session, even a training session, flows is a magical, mystery tour! (I know, I can hear the Beatles singing too!) I basically download information as it comes through, and it comes through as a person asks a question, energetically opens to receive whatever information is next, or one conversation triggers another conversation. I am not sure if this is an adequate description, but it will have to suffice for now.
Anyhow, somewhere in the conversation, I asked Betsy if she had ever wondered where she came from to be here on Earth. Our conversation had moved to a much deeper place when her unwillingness to name the dark became the issue we were looking at. Big issue and a very big challenge for Betsy because she doesn't like what she sees when she sees the dark stuff. Opening up to explore this was the doorway for the "galatic" level of the conversation to come into our session. It began with an objective enough revealing of the 9th dimension and the integration of the light and dark, and as we explored higher perspectives, it became very clear to me that Betsy is a very high dimensional being is came to Earth with a very high level mission of being willing to see the dark, name the dark and to make sure that another world was not destroyed by the dark forces again. When I shared this with her, she felt the truth of this in every cell of her being. A part of her came home to her body in a way that I had not experienced in her before.
The challenge for me was that the cat was out of the bag. I thought that sharing the split in my belly was coming out of the closet. I was realizing that I have closets within closets! I just had the image of the wardrobe opening up to the land of Narnia. I have the closet which is more like a small room, and within the room is a wardrobe, and within the wardrobe are the realms of the galatic.
I am a galatic being. I come from another world that is of a different dimension and frequency than Earth. As I type this, I know this. I feel this as my cells reverberate in the truth of who I truly am, and also in the fear of this ever becoming public. This is the core of my split. Right here. I am a galatic being in a human body. I am from the Pleaides, but I live on Earth. I so desperately want to remember where I am from. I know that I miss my home so deeply, and I know that I chose to come here and to serve the Earth's ascension process.
I also know that I have so wanted to be normal and to fit in here for as long as I can remember. I have felt alien and that I don't fully understand or fit in for as long as I can remember. Just like I am an English person living in America, and then when I go back to England, I am an American being in England - this split is a reflection of the split I feel between my galatic and earthly self, except that I don't get to go back and visit my galactic home.
Sometimes I just feel so alone and so far away and I haven't even understood why. So often what I have felt hasn't made sense. Wow, there that is. Making sense. No wonder I have wanted so badly for everything to make sense. Being galactic doesn't make sense in this world. There is barely any understanding or even a concept for this.
I may have remembered my true roots and home when I was a very young child, and I was probably sure that I would never forget who I really was. But life happens, and I am sure that as a little girl, I just wanted to be loved and accepted, be normal, and fit in. And so I forgot who I was, and concentrated on being human, being normal, and being loved.
So I split off from my galactic self and relegated her to the basement, to my belly, where I could hide her away and keep her under wraps, and out of sight. My galactic self is my little girl - the little me who knew and loved where she came from, who embodied the wisdom and knowledge of my people, and who was deeply connected to her mission and why she had come to Earth. She is Katie, my little, inner child, whom I rejected and cast away out of shame and fear of being found out. I was terrified of being sent away, not being loved, and not being understood. So I began to live from my head, to figure out what others wanted from me so that I could give it to them, and to be the perfect, good little girl. I became a great student, did the right things, never was too wild or too much, went to a good college, graduated cum Laude, and have then spent my adult years trying to figure out what I really wanted to do, got married, became a mother of 4 kids, and so on and so forth. If I just did things right, then I would be okay, normal and loved.
Now, I am trying really hard to be a good coach, where including "intuitive" sometimes can feel like a stretch out of the box of normalcy. And then yesterday, I had to go and reveal the "galatic" piece to Betsy. She's reeling in her own galatic connections, and I'm reeling in my revealing mine. The truth is that when I am doing my intuitive work, it is actually my galactic work. I am actually working with and receiving information from very high frequency dimensions that is beyond intuitive. This actually explains why my work has a depth and richness to it that "intuitive" doesn't explain. Even Betsy said yesterday that she always had wondered why my work had a depth to it that she hadn't experienced with other intuitives. I guess that's why she really wanted to work with me to develop her own intuition. The funny part is though, that she actually came to me to develop her galactic wisdom and mission.
The gift for me out of yesterday's session is that I have put in another stitch of healing the split because out of the session because I have had another layer of acceptance of my true galactic nature.
This awareness has come around time and time again, and yet in the past, it would come up and present itself with less frequency and regularity. Only once in a while would I have to confront this truth about myself, and then I could forget about it until it would surface up again. However, it is coming up increasingly more often and unexpectedly. Right in sync with the Mayan calendar and moving into the Galatic cycle. But that's a whole other conversation!
This all ties back to the beginning of my conversation with Betsy when she asked my how long I have been doing this. Well, back in 2003, I actually followed an impulse deep from within me to attend a "galatic counseling" training in Kansas City. How weird is that, and just what was I thinking?! 7 years ago. With the very few people I shared this with, I would laugh and very quietly whisper, the "G" word. Shhhh....don't say it too loud, someone might hear!
And then I moved far away from admitting that this was the training I went to. I re-labeled it "intuitive" so that I could be more socially acceptable. This has been fine for a number of years, and damn it if it isn't fine any more. I thought coming out of the closet was challenging. Coming out of the wardrobe is going to be the ultimate challenge.
To tie this all together is walking the Celtic Camino. My walking the Celtic Camino is the act of integrating the galactic with the human on Earth. I walk literally on the sacred and ancient path of the Celtic Camino on the Earth to weave the galactic and the human together, to create the template for the Earth to receive the galactic, so that the human body can receive the galactic. These two elements/dimensions must come together for humans to ascend. Ascension is nothing more than a remembering and reconnecting with our true galactic nature, and ultimately returning home to the wholeness of who we are. We are both human and galactic beings. Earth became split and separated from the rest of the galaxy and has believed itself to be the only planet with life. So isolated, so split off, Earth and its residents believed that it was the only life in this universe. Out of its separateness, it couldn't fathom or figure out how there could be life anywhere else. This also served to cushion itself from the pain and trauma of separation for if there is nothing to be separate from, then Earth is not separate, and there could be no pain. The pain and shame of the separation was too much to bear, so that it was easier to remove the source of pain and pretend like it wasn't there.
Yet Earth and its people are separate. And the time has come for the isolation to end and for Earth to come back to its rightful, connected and integrated place in the Universe.
This is why I walk the Celtic Camino. It is my act of integrating my galacticness and humanness and to create a pathway for other humans to remember their own galactic connections. We are all from different places all over the Universe, hence the diversity. We are here not to become the same. We actually to celebrate our diversity within the unity of our galactic roots. This is the lesson of Earth - to celebrate our diversity and differences with the unity of all life, that we have life, are alive.
The Celtic Camino is the path of the sacred Tree of Life. The Tree of Life connects the 1st chakra to the 7th chakra, and is the conduit between the stars, the realm of the galactic and the higher dimensions, with the core of the Earth, the first dimension. As humans, our bodies are the Tree of Life with our legs as the roots reaching down to the first dimension, the trunk and head of our body as the trunk and head of the tree; and our arms like the branches reaching toward the stars and the chakras incorporated within. As above, so below. As within, so without. The Earth also embodies the Tree of Life. The first chakra is Santiago de Compostela in Spain, up to the 7th chakra of Rosslyn in Scotland. This is the Celtic Camino, and this is the path I will be walking in 2011.
Today I open up to another level of acceptance of my own "G" nature. No, let me spell that out. Today, I open up to receive and accept who I am as a Galactic being. Thank you.
The healing has begun, begun. The healing has begun. We are sisters on a journey, shining out as one. Remembering the ancient ones, the healing has begun, begun. The healing has begun.
Suseya!
Sahara
Showing posts with label Celtic Camino. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Celtic Camino. Show all posts
Sunday, September 8, 2024
Monday, December 13, 2010
The Lord's Prayer
Today was my first day of living into the spiritual practice of the Lord's Prayer, as offered by Kathleen McGowan in her book, The Source of Miracles. Early this morning, I decided to begin the practice with a walk at a labyrinth about 10 miles from here that is outside and made of rounded stones with sand, and is a replica of the Chartres labyrinth complete with the rose of the 6 petals in the middle of the labyrinth. I spoke the prayer as written in Kathleen's book before I started into the labyrinth, and then once I reached the rose, I moved around the petals saying the lines that correspond to each petal, and focused on the first petal of "Faith" that correspond to "Our Father, in Heaven, May Your Name be Hallowed." Much of the petal of "Faith" focuses on our divine mission and our willingness to commit to fulfilling that sacred mission.
Now I have experienced high levels of resistance to, actually rejection of, anything to do with Christianity, "Our Father" languaging, Jesus Christ as a God, the patriarchy, and the Church. So I do not undertake this practice lightly. Even considering the Lord's Prayer has brought up for me all the reasons I left the Christian church in the first place. It has been thirty-five plus years since I was an acolyte in the Episcopalian Church and involved in the teen youth group. This all said, I trust Kathleen and her heretical approach to Christianity, Jesus Christ, and more importantly, Mary Magdalene. Out of this trust, I decided to be open to the Lord's Prayer and experience it for myself. Yet, as I said the Prayer out loud for the first time, and especially with focusing on the the first two lines which include the words, "Our Father", I seriously questioned and doubted both the prayer and myself as I spoke these words. I was very nervous that I was giving away my power and stepping back into the patriarchy. I felt strange, challenged and even anxious.
However, as I moved through and around the labyrinth, I received very clear ideas on how to lead my local pilgrimages in the new year. While I had already had the idea of focusing the pilgrimages on the 6 local labyrinths, I wasn't sure how I was going to do this, or what the context for these pilgrimages would be. It became crystal clear to me that it will be a weekly pilgrimage over 7 weeks, that focuses on the teachings of the rose of the 6 petals, and complete with the teaching of Love, as in the center of the rose, returning to the first labyrinth that we visit. It also seems appropriate to start and finish with a Chartres labyrinth that has the rose of the 6 petals in the middle.
Moreover, I have had a great day today. I have viscerally felt as though I have aligned with a loving force much greater than myself, and that Love is now working through me. In one day. I worked with Kate all morning as we deepened our collaboration and creation of Women Owning Wealth; I got to have some amazing conversations in the afternoon; and then I went for walk at one of my favorite trails that is most like the woods for me, with its deciduous trees, a creek, and wide open fields. In my conversation with a dear friend and co-creator, Ingrid, I shared that I felt as though I had just conceived and am now newly pregnant with multiple babies - the book I am going to write, leading sacred pilgrimages in both Europe and locally; the Cornwall tour with my father in June, Women Owning Wealth with Kate - at least these are the babies/projects that I am aware of right now! While each baby is its own unique and complete creation, they are each intimately related to each other, and the health, well-being and growth of one both affects and contributes to the health, well-being, and growth of all the others. During these next 9 months, I am going to grow and nurture these projects and give birth to a beautiful book, a successful business, an engaging tour, and both local and international pilgrimages.
Ingrid and I also talked about the balance and necessity of both the masculine and the feminine. It is no longer an either/or, or one or the other, or even one over or on top of the other. It is the sacred marriage of the masculine and the feminine that is necessary for the healing of our planet, our world, our lives, and our hearts.
As I walked, I reflected that I had just declared my multiple pregnancy. As I felt and accepted this, I realized that today I had also spoken the Lord's Prayer with intention for the first time. I had said a prayer that invoked the sacred masculine through the profound words, "Our Father". I had invited the divine masculine, Our Father, to assist and support me to live true to way of Love and to fulfill my sacred mission. In saying the Lord's Prayer, I had both invited the masculine energy of providing that which I asked for, and I had received it. Within 6 hours, I declared that I was pregnant.
This may be some of the magic and the mystery that Kathleen was referring to when she talks about the power of the Lord's Prayer. In her words, she says that this prayer is "now, as it was when Jesus lived, the incorruptible formula for personal and global transformation."
Both the synchronistic recognition of my "pregnancy", and my moving forward with, committing to and "owning" my projects - my babies - is the first miracle I have received in the sacred practice of the Lord's Prayer. Kathleen says in her book that the Lord's Prayer is the "most powerful tool for changing your life - and changing the world - that you will likely ever encounter." That's a hefty claim, and I'm open to the possibility that there may actually be some truth in it.
The journey continues...
Suseya!
Sarah
Now I have experienced high levels of resistance to, actually rejection of, anything to do with Christianity, "Our Father" languaging, Jesus Christ as a God, the patriarchy, and the Church. So I do not undertake this practice lightly. Even considering the Lord's Prayer has brought up for me all the reasons I left the Christian church in the first place. It has been thirty-five plus years since I was an acolyte in the Episcopalian Church and involved in the teen youth group. This all said, I trust Kathleen and her heretical approach to Christianity, Jesus Christ, and more importantly, Mary Magdalene. Out of this trust, I decided to be open to the Lord's Prayer and experience it for myself. Yet, as I said the Prayer out loud for the first time, and especially with focusing on the the first two lines which include the words, "Our Father", I seriously questioned and doubted both the prayer and myself as I spoke these words. I was very nervous that I was giving away my power and stepping back into the patriarchy. I felt strange, challenged and even anxious.
However, as I moved through and around the labyrinth, I received very clear ideas on how to lead my local pilgrimages in the new year. While I had already had the idea of focusing the pilgrimages on the 6 local labyrinths, I wasn't sure how I was going to do this, or what the context for these pilgrimages would be. It became crystal clear to me that it will be a weekly pilgrimage over 7 weeks, that focuses on the teachings of the rose of the 6 petals, and complete with the teaching of Love, as in the center of the rose, returning to the first labyrinth that we visit. It also seems appropriate to start and finish with a Chartres labyrinth that has the rose of the 6 petals in the middle.
Moreover, I have had a great day today. I have viscerally felt as though I have aligned with a loving force much greater than myself, and that Love is now working through me. In one day. I worked with Kate all morning as we deepened our collaboration and creation of Women Owning Wealth; I got to have some amazing conversations in the afternoon; and then I went for walk at one of my favorite trails that is most like the woods for me, with its deciduous trees, a creek, and wide open fields. In my conversation with a dear friend and co-creator, Ingrid, I shared that I felt as though I had just conceived and am now newly pregnant with multiple babies - the book I am going to write, leading sacred pilgrimages in both Europe and locally; the Cornwall tour with my father in June, Women Owning Wealth with Kate - at least these are the babies/projects that I am aware of right now! While each baby is its own unique and complete creation, they are each intimately related to each other, and the health, well-being and growth of one both affects and contributes to the health, well-being, and growth of all the others. During these next 9 months, I am going to grow and nurture these projects and give birth to a beautiful book, a successful business, an engaging tour, and both local and international pilgrimages.
Ingrid and I also talked about the balance and necessity of both the masculine and the feminine. It is no longer an either/or, or one or the other, or even one over or on top of the other. It is the sacred marriage of the masculine and the feminine that is necessary for the healing of our planet, our world, our lives, and our hearts.
As I walked, I reflected that I had just declared my multiple pregnancy. As I felt and accepted this, I realized that today I had also spoken the Lord's Prayer with intention for the first time. I had said a prayer that invoked the sacred masculine through the profound words, "Our Father". I had invited the divine masculine, Our Father, to assist and support me to live true to way of Love and to fulfill my sacred mission. In saying the Lord's Prayer, I had both invited the masculine energy of providing that which I asked for, and I had received it. Within 6 hours, I declared that I was pregnant.
This may be some of the magic and the mystery that Kathleen was referring to when she talks about the power of the Lord's Prayer. In her words, she says that this prayer is "now, as it was when Jesus lived, the incorruptible formula for personal and global transformation."
Both the synchronistic recognition of my "pregnancy", and my moving forward with, committing to and "owning" my projects - my babies - is the first miracle I have received in the sacred practice of the Lord's Prayer. Kathleen says in her book that the Lord's Prayer is the "most powerful tool for changing your life - and changing the world - that you will likely ever encounter." That's a hefty claim, and I'm open to the possibility that there may actually be some truth in it.
The journey continues...
Suseya!
Sarah
Monday, May 24, 2010
Once in a Lifetime
Writing this blog about healing the split in my belly is as much about the split as it is about the healing. Until now, I have kept the split a secret and I now realize that I have daily put energy into hiding and compensating for it. Now I am taking that energy and using it to get up early and write about it and reveal myself, the split, and my healing journey.
This daily act of writing then informs me about other areas of my life and my relationships as well as informs the relationships themselves.
Over the last few weeks, I have become aware of a dynamic of "stealing" time and space for myself. I get up at 4:30 in the morning so that I can write without being bothered, anyone else really having to know what I am doing, and without having to set aside time during my already busy days.
I want to slip what I do and what I want under the radar.
Often I will slip into my office to do a little work when it's not "work" time. "Oh, I just want to answer this email...I'll be right there...just a minute."
I steal time for myself by checking out on the kids and spacing out into my own little world.
Having sex with myself is a stolen moment, an unacknowledged experience.
Even my dreams and desire to return to the Camino feels like I am slipping it in, afraid to ask for what I really want.
This became so clear yesterday when my husband, Steve, and I were talking on an early morning hike. I mentioned that a year ago I started walking the Camino. I could feel my first steps out on to the Camino under my feet as I walked the trail up Sanitas Valley. It felt so good. That sharing opened up a conversation between us because Steve actually asked questions about the Camino and when I wanted to return. I got to talk about my desire to walk the Celtic Caminoand lead a group of women on this pilgrimage. I got to talk about my dilemma of walking just from Santiago to Toulouse (when I say "just, I don't mean to minimize it at all. This leg is a 6 week pilgrimage.) or walking in one period of time all the way from Santiago to Rosslyn. I felt sheepish even bringing this up. None of this makes sense, it's so crazy, what am I even thinking. Leaving the family for 6 weeks doesn't make sense, so how can leaving the family for 6 months be any better.
As we talked about all of this, 2 major turning points in the conversation occurred. First is that I realized as I shared about none of this making sense that "that makes sense" is one of the places that I split off. Remember my sharing about my dog Rupert and leaving him behind in England, and how it made so much sense to leave him there. "That makes sense" takes me out of my feelings and desires, even my knowing. Only when my feelings, desires, and knowings make sense are they allowed, or reasonable, or worthy of having. Everything has to make sense to be okay.
I remembered in that moment when my jaw locked open (talk about painful and scary!) during the movie "Stop Making Sense" with the Talking Heads. Yes, I am dating myself, and this would have been 1988 or so when we had a "Stop Making Sense" theme party with our closest friends. Nothing made sense, from what we wore (Steve wore pearls) to how we presented the food (guacamole was put around the central container which contained the chips)! We had so much fun. Later in the evening, we watched the video, "Stop Making Sense" and during the song with the Tom-Tom Club (which was about sex) I yawned and somehow locked my jaw wide open. I couldn't talk, I had a hard time swallowing, and it hurt like hell. Despite our friend's massaging my jaw and being so sure that he could unhinge it, we ended up in the emergency room where the doctors were even quite challenged by this. Plus they just didn't take Steve seriously at all. After all, he was in his pearls! Anyway, after much relaxing and praying on my part, the one doctor finally got my jaw unhinged with his thumbs by pushing down and back. I had to relax so deeply. I had to trust so deeply, just to release and allow my jaw to un-do itself.
And all of this during "Stop Making Sense." There was the message 22 years ago. Sahara, stop making sense. It's not about making sense. If you live your life by making sense, your jaw will lock up. Your life will lock up. And you will not be following your heart, or your path. It's just not about making sense.
It's about knowing what you deeply desire, trusting this, accepting this, and acting on it. And in other words, it's about knowing yourself, loving yourself, trusting yourself, accepting yourself, and acting in accordance with yourself.
Yet all this time I have been trying to make sense of it all, of me, and all this time, I have been split off from who I truly am and what I truly want.
Out of this a-ha came the second turning point of the conversation. Steve totally supports me in my dream and desire to walk the Celtic Camino and to lead a group of women on this pilgrimage. He said that he knows this is who I am and that he loves me, accepts me and supports me. It may not be convenient, it may not make sense, and if this is something that I feel that I have to do, then of course he supports me.
What?
I even had to come back to this later in the day, "Just to clarify..." He said that yes, I'm crazy. Does he wish that I didn't want to do this? Yes, of course. Would he rather I didn't go away to walk? Yes. AND he also knows that this is who I am. He knows that I am a bedouin. He's the one who actually gave me the name "Sahara" - which I realized is actually my soul name which I why I use it here. So I like to think of it that he "reminded" me of my true name. Do you know what a "bedouin" is? A bedouin is a wanderer or nomad, often associated with the Sahara Desert.
I am a bedouin. Accepting this about myself has been one of the most difficult challenges. You are supposed to settle down, live in one house, have a mortgage, stay in one place. Well, I spent a lot of my first years out of college traveling in Europe, living in England, and traveling around Australia. When I got married and moved to Colorado, I couldn't just stay in one house. I have moved us 5 times in the 23 years we've lived here. I've walked part of the El Camino de Santiago.
And now, I want to go back, for 6 months. How can I do this? I am a mother of 4 kids. I have responsibilities here, children to raise. Childen who need me. I am married. What am I thinking? This is crazy. This doesn't make sense...
No, it doesn't. Not at all.
But then life doesn't make sense. And what we truly desire doesn't go away, no matter how hard we push.
I do believe that what is in the highest good of one is in the highest good of all. This may be a justification, but I also know it to be true for others, not just for myself. So if walking the Celtic Camino is in my highest good, and is integral to my life's purpose, then perhaps it is also in the highest good of my children, my family, my marriage, and Steve.
Something shifted for me yesterday in receiving Steve's support. I got that he really gets who I am and that he loves me. Steve knows who I am, in my fullness. He accepts me. He knows that I am a bedouin, and he accepts this is about me. I may not always be easy, but he knows that I am a package deal. He said that we are here together to support each other be who we really are, to live our dreams, and to be our greatest selves. We are not here to keep each other small and safe. We both know that, but it can be so challenging in the midst of marriage, children, mortgages, security, etc. to remember that and to live by that. We forget as we get caught up in the day to day management and logistics of life. It becomes all about safety, security, finances, soccer games, and playing safe with each other.
Yesterday I got that I can come out of the closet with myself and my dreams. I don't have to steal off and nurture my dreams somewhere else. I can own them, nurture them and live them right here, within my marriage and my family. I felt so loved and accepted yesterday. I got that I don't have to hide with Steve. I don't have to make sense with Steve. He loves ME. In turn, I then love and accept myself more deeply.
We talked of creating a new paradigm where we get to "walk" our dreams and be fully who we are, wherever that may take us, withing the love and support of our marriage. We don't have to experience a separation or divorce to create a new life, to strike out on our path. We both can actually consciously choose it now because we know and honor what we want now, and honor our love and marriage now. I don't want this to be the exception. I truly want our total love and acceptance of each other to become the new paradigm for marriage and relationship for everyone. Perhaps yesterday's conversation can be a template within this new paradigm.
Thank you Steve.
So often there is a catalyst to shakes us up, rocks the boat, and takes us out of the day-to-day grind and habits. We can get so dulled by our habits that we can forget why we are truly are and what the purpose of our lives really are. Not that our lives are bad. So often they are good. But are we living, being and doing what we are here to live, do and be? Are we fulfilling our divine purpose? Are we fully living into our divine mission? So often we are fulfilling a part of it, such as raising our children. But just as often, we are split off and disconnected from the "real" reason we are here. We think that it is to be financially secure and stable. We think that it is to raise our children to be good upstanding citizens. We think that it is to have a beautiful house.
How funny, I can hear the words of the Talking Heads song, "Once in a Lifetime":
It's not that our lives are not about those things. Of course children, finances, wonderful homes are important. They can be part of what it is all about. Part of it. They are not all of it. They are not the it.
What's your it? What is your divine purpose, the sacred reason that you are here in this body, living this life, right now?
These are such important, vital questions. As we live into the questions, we create our answers, with each choice and action that we take. Our lives are the answer.
For me, right now, in this moment, my courageous choice is to commit to walking the Celtic Camino in 2011 and to lead women who know that they are to walk this sacred path. Together, one step at a time, we will heal the split within ourselves, within humanity, and for the Feminine, and for the Earth.
This is my Camina.
I am committing. I am committed. Ah Ho.
Deep breath. Much gratitude.
Suseya!
Sahara
This daily act of writing then informs me about other areas of my life and my relationships as well as informs the relationships themselves.
Over the last few weeks, I have become aware of a dynamic of "stealing" time and space for myself. I get up at 4:30 in the morning so that I can write without being bothered, anyone else really having to know what I am doing, and without having to set aside time during my already busy days.
I want to slip what I do and what I want under the radar.
Often I will slip into my office to do a little work when it's not "work" time. "Oh, I just want to answer this email...I'll be right there...just a minute."
I steal time for myself by checking out on the kids and spacing out into my own little world.
Having sex with myself is a stolen moment, an unacknowledged experience.
Even my dreams and desire to return to the Camino feels like I am slipping it in, afraid to ask for what I really want.
This became so clear yesterday when my husband, Steve, and I were talking on an early morning hike. I mentioned that a year ago I started walking the Camino. I could feel my first steps out on to the Camino under my feet as I walked the trail up Sanitas Valley. It felt so good. That sharing opened up a conversation between us because Steve actually asked questions about the Camino and when I wanted to return. I got to talk about my desire to walk the Celtic Caminoand lead a group of women on this pilgrimage. I got to talk about my dilemma of walking just from Santiago to Toulouse (when I say "just, I don't mean to minimize it at all. This leg is a 6 week pilgrimage.) or walking in one period of time all the way from Santiago to Rosslyn. I felt sheepish even bringing this up. None of this makes sense, it's so crazy, what am I even thinking. Leaving the family for 6 weeks doesn't make sense, so how can leaving the family for 6 months be any better.
As we talked about all of this, 2 major turning points in the conversation occurred. First is that I realized as I shared about none of this making sense that "that makes sense" is one of the places that I split off. Remember my sharing about my dog Rupert and leaving him behind in England, and how it made so much sense to leave him there. "That makes sense" takes me out of my feelings and desires, even my knowing. Only when my feelings, desires, and knowings make sense are they allowed, or reasonable, or worthy of having. Everything has to make sense to be okay.
I remembered in that moment when my jaw locked open (talk about painful and scary!) during the movie "Stop Making Sense" with the Talking Heads. Yes, I am dating myself, and this would have been 1988 or so when we had a "Stop Making Sense" theme party with our closest friends. Nothing made sense, from what we wore (Steve wore pearls) to how we presented the food (guacamole was put around the central container which contained the chips)! We had so much fun. Later in the evening, we watched the video, "Stop Making Sense" and during the song with the Tom-Tom Club (which was about sex) I yawned and somehow locked my jaw wide open. I couldn't talk, I had a hard time swallowing, and it hurt like hell. Despite our friend's massaging my jaw and being so sure that he could unhinge it, we ended up in the emergency room where the doctors were even quite challenged by this. Plus they just didn't take Steve seriously at all. After all, he was in his pearls! Anyway, after much relaxing and praying on my part, the one doctor finally got my jaw unhinged with his thumbs by pushing down and back. I had to relax so deeply. I had to trust so deeply, just to release and allow my jaw to un-do itself.
And all of this during "Stop Making Sense." There was the message 22 years ago. Sahara, stop making sense. It's not about making sense. If you live your life by making sense, your jaw will lock up. Your life will lock up. And you will not be following your heart, or your path. It's just not about making sense.
It's about knowing what you deeply desire, trusting this, accepting this, and acting on it. And in other words, it's about knowing yourself, loving yourself, trusting yourself, accepting yourself, and acting in accordance with yourself.
Yet all this time I have been trying to make sense of it all, of me, and all this time, I have been split off from who I truly am and what I truly want.
Out of this a-ha came the second turning point of the conversation. Steve totally supports me in my dream and desire to walk the Celtic Camino and to lead a group of women on this pilgrimage. He said that he knows this is who I am and that he loves me, accepts me and supports me. It may not be convenient, it may not make sense, and if this is something that I feel that I have to do, then of course he supports me.
What?
I even had to come back to this later in the day, "Just to clarify..." He said that yes, I'm crazy. Does he wish that I didn't want to do this? Yes, of course. Would he rather I didn't go away to walk? Yes. AND he also knows that this is who I am. He knows that I am a bedouin. He's the one who actually gave me the name "Sahara" - which I realized is actually my soul name which I why I use it here. So I like to think of it that he "reminded" me of my true name. Do you know what a "bedouin" is? A bedouin is a wanderer or nomad, often associated with the Sahara Desert.
I am a bedouin. Accepting this about myself has been one of the most difficult challenges. You are supposed to settle down, live in one house, have a mortgage, stay in one place. Well, I spent a lot of my first years out of college traveling in Europe, living in England, and traveling around Australia. When I got married and moved to Colorado, I couldn't just stay in one house. I have moved us 5 times in the 23 years we've lived here. I've walked part of the El Camino de Santiago.
And now, I want to go back, for 6 months. How can I do this? I am a mother of 4 kids. I have responsibilities here, children to raise. Childen who need me. I am married. What am I thinking? This is crazy. This doesn't make sense...
No, it doesn't. Not at all.
But then life doesn't make sense. And what we truly desire doesn't go away, no matter how hard we push.
I do believe that what is in the highest good of one is in the highest good of all. This may be a justification, but I also know it to be true for others, not just for myself. So if walking the Celtic Camino is in my highest good, and is integral to my life's purpose, then perhaps it is also in the highest good of my children, my family, my marriage, and Steve.
Something shifted for me yesterday in receiving Steve's support. I got that he really gets who I am and that he loves me. Steve knows who I am, in my fullness. He accepts me. He knows that I am a bedouin, and he accepts this is about me. I may not always be easy, but he knows that I am a package deal. He said that we are here together to support each other be who we really are, to live our dreams, and to be our greatest selves. We are not here to keep each other small and safe. We both know that, but it can be so challenging in the midst of marriage, children, mortgages, security, etc. to remember that and to live by that. We forget as we get caught up in the day to day management and logistics of life. It becomes all about safety, security, finances, soccer games, and playing safe with each other.
Yesterday I got that I can come out of the closet with myself and my dreams. I don't have to steal off and nurture my dreams somewhere else. I can own them, nurture them and live them right here, within my marriage and my family. I felt so loved and accepted yesterday. I got that I don't have to hide with Steve. I don't have to make sense with Steve. He loves ME. In turn, I then love and accept myself more deeply.
We talked of creating a new paradigm where we get to "walk" our dreams and be fully who we are, wherever that may take us, withing the love and support of our marriage. We don't have to experience a separation or divorce to create a new life, to strike out on our path. We both can actually consciously choose it now because we know and honor what we want now, and honor our love and marriage now. I don't want this to be the exception. I truly want our total love and acceptance of each other to become the new paradigm for marriage and relationship for everyone. Perhaps yesterday's conversation can be a template within this new paradigm.
Thank you Steve.
So often there is a catalyst to shakes us up, rocks the boat, and takes us out of the day-to-day grind and habits. We can get so dulled by our habits that we can forget why we are truly are and what the purpose of our lives really are. Not that our lives are bad. So often they are good. But are we living, being and doing what we are here to live, do and be? Are we fulfilling our divine purpose? Are we fully living into our divine mission? So often we are fulfilling a part of it, such as raising our children. But just as often, we are split off and disconnected from the "real" reason we are here. We think that it is to be financially secure and stable. We think that it is to raise our children to be good upstanding citizens. We think that it is to have a beautiful house.
How funny, I can hear the words of the Talking Heads song, "Once in a Lifetime":
You may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile. You may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife. You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here? Letting the days so by...Talk about synchronicity!
It's not that our lives are not about those things. Of course children, finances, wonderful homes are important. They can be part of what it is all about. Part of it. They are not all of it. They are not the it.
What's your it? What is your divine purpose, the sacred reason that you are here in this body, living this life, right now?
These are such important, vital questions. As we live into the questions, we create our answers, with each choice and action that we take. Our lives are the answer.
For me, right now, in this moment, my courageous choice is to commit to walking the Celtic Camino in 2011 and to lead women who know that they are to walk this sacred path. Together, one step at a time, we will heal the split within ourselves, within humanity, and for the Feminine, and for the Earth.
This is my Camina.
I am committing. I am committed. Ah Ho.
Deep breath. Much gratitude.
Suseya!
Sahara
Monday, May 10, 2010
La Camina, a.k.a. The Celtic Camino
So if I have spent the last 20 years getting by and not dealing with the split, why now? Why now am I choosing to focus on healing the split?
This is a question that I have been asking myself. I really believe that my choosing to heal the split represents a convergence of intention on every level and that the time is now! It chose me and I chose it.
I committed to the work of "healing the split" during the ritual from now nearly 21 years ago - it was the summer that I became pregnant with my now 20 year old son. It really doesn't matter if I remembered the ritual or not. I made a commitment that afternoon that has powerfully shaped my life. And now I am remembering that commitment.
Also, a year ago I became a pilgrim. Last spring, I walked the last 170 kilometers of the El Camino de Santiago in Spain and then I traveled by train with my then 15 year old daughter up the Celtic Camino from Santiago up through France to Rosslyn Chapel near Edinburgh, Scotland. I am clear that as a pilgrim, we have both our conscious reasons for our pilgrimages and also our unconscious reasons that only become apparent after we have completed our journey. Perhaps if we were to know the true reason for the pilgrimage we might not take it, so we go on our journey under the pretense of our known reasons. Yet the pilgrimage works its magic and the real reason always emerges anyway.
Walking the Camino and traveling up the Celtic Camino was a pilgrimage of initiation for me. I admit that I knew it was an initiation, but quite honestly, at the time, I had no idea what I was being initiated into. This is what has revealed itself over the past year. Sue Kenney, with whom I walked the Camino last year, says that "when the Camino is over, the journey begins." What is so interesting is that Sue is back on the Camino right now walking through Galicia to Santiago. She is walking a day or two further than we did a year ago, but I am reliving my Camino as I follow her on her Susesya page in Facebook. It is so alive and pulsing in me a year later, as though I can remember every step that I walked.
My journey began when I left Rosslyn Chapel last June.
In the perfection of Spirit, without my having to do anything to plan this, I traveled to the city of my birth, Newcastle-upon-Tyne in England. I began my journey home at my birthplace.
But I jump ahead of myself. I want to share more with you about my pilgrimages as they are essential to why I am healing the split and even writing this blog today.
While I was on the Camino, I realized that walking the Camino was my physical and spiritual preparation for the Celtic Camino. While everyone else was walking the Camino as their pilgrimage, I was walking in preparation for my sacred pilgrimage, the journey that follows a sacred configuration of seven pre-Christian sites, from Santiago de Compostela, Spain, up through France to Rosslyn, Scotland. This sacred configuration forms the route of a "pilgrimage of initiation" used by the Druids and Christian mystics in their search for true knowledge and enlightenment. These 7 sacred sites actually correspond to the 7 chakras of the human body.
Even before I left to travel on this pilgrimage, I called this journey “La Camina.” I could feel deep within myself that it embodied for me the sacred feminine and the hidden streams of spirituality that flow beneath the surface, connecting all of life, rooted in the body of the Earth and the ancient wisdom traditions. After my experiences on the pilgrimage and in my journey over the past year, I am more clear than ever that the Celtic Camino is a profound "pilgrimage of initiation" and that even more importantly, it is an initiation of deep feminine wisdom and healing.
Hence, LA CAMINA. It is the way of the feminine, a feminine journey to bring one home to oneself, in body, in wholeness, balance and deep connection. One is not hit over the head. It is subtle, yet profound. It unearths oneself from the deep core of our being without our even having to be aware of it until it starts to spill over into one's life, like a volcano.
It has not been a violent process for me. The volcano isn't spewing hot lava ferociously, at least not yet. It has been persistent, oozing, heating up, not to be ignored and you'd better pay attention to me kind of volcano. As I write these words, I realize that the goddess Kali is here with her fiery energy, demanding that I pay attention to her, to me and to honor this process. If I don't, she will boil forth with molten lava.
I made a commitment to heal the split 21 years ago. I traveled La Camina and was initiated.
The time is now.
This is a question that I have been asking myself. I really believe that my choosing to heal the split represents a convergence of intention on every level and that the time is now! It chose me and I chose it.
I committed to the work of "healing the split" during the ritual from now nearly 21 years ago - it was the summer that I became pregnant with my now 20 year old son. It really doesn't matter if I remembered the ritual or not. I made a commitment that afternoon that has powerfully shaped my life. And now I am remembering that commitment.
Also, a year ago I became a pilgrim. Last spring, I walked the last 170 kilometers of the El Camino de Santiago in Spain and then I traveled by train with my then 15 year old daughter up the Celtic Camino from Santiago up through France to Rosslyn Chapel near Edinburgh, Scotland. I am clear that as a pilgrim, we have both our conscious reasons for our pilgrimages and also our unconscious reasons that only become apparent after we have completed our journey. Perhaps if we were to know the true reason for the pilgrimage we might not take it, so we go on our journey under the pretense of our known reasons. Yet the pilgrimage works its magic and the real reason always emerges anyway.
Walking the Camino and traveling up the Celtic Camino was a pilgrimage of initiation for me. I admit that I knew it was an initiation, but quite honestly, at the time, I had no idea what I was being initiated into. This is what has revealed itself over the past year. Sue Kenney, with whom I walked the Camino last year, says that "when the Camino is over, the journey begins." What is so interesting is that Sue is back on the Camino right now walking through Galicia to Santiago. She is walking a day or two further than we did a year ago, but I am reliving my Camino as I follow her on her Susesya page in Facebook. It is so alive and pulsing in me a year later, as though I can remember every step that I walked.
My journey began when I left Rosslyn Chapel last June.
In the perfection of Spirit, without my having to do anything to plan this, I traveled to the city of my birth, Newcastle-upon-Tyne in England. I began my journey home at my birthplace.
But I jump ahead of myself. I want to share more with you about my pilgrimages as they are essential to why I am healing the split and even writing this blog today.
While I was on the Camino, I realized that walking the Camino was my physical and spiritual preparation for the Celtic Camino. While everyone else was walking the Camino as their pilgrimage, I was walking in preparation for my sacred pilgrimage, the journey that follows a sacred configuration of seven pre-Christian sites, from Santiago de Compostela, Spain, up through France to Rosslyn, Scotland. This sacred configuration forms the route of a "pilgrimage of initiation" used by the Druids and Christian mystics in their search for true knowledge and enlightenment. These 7 sacred sites actually correspond to the 7 chakras of the human body.
Even before I left to travel on this pilgrimage, I called this journey “La Camina.” I could feel deep within myself that it embodied for me the sacred feminine and the hidden streams of spirituality that flow beneath the surface, connecting all of life, rooted in the body of the Earth and the ancient wisdom traditions. After my experiences on the pilgrimage and in my journey over the past year, I am more clear than ever that the Celtic Camino is a profound "pilgrimage of initiation" and that even more importantly, it is an initiation of deep feminine wisdom and healing.
Hence, LA CAMINA. It is the way of the feminine, a feminine journey to bring one home to oneself, in body, in wholeness, balance and deep connection. One is not hit over the head. It is subtle, yet profound. It unearths oneself from the deep core of our being without our even having to be aware of it until it starts to spill over into one's life, like a volcano.
It has not been a violent process for me. The volcano isn't spewing hot lava ferociously, at least not yet. It has been persistent, oozing, heating up, not to be ignored and you'd better pay attention to me kind of volcano. As I write these words, I realize that the goddess Kali is here with her fiery energy, demanding that I pay attention to her, to me and to honor this process. If I don't, she will boil forth with molten lava.
I made a commitment to heal the split 21 years ago. I traveled La Camina and was initiated.
The time is now.
Suseya,
Sahara
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