This daily act of writing then informs me about other areas of my life and my relationships as well as informs the relationships themselves.
Over the last few weeks, I have become aware of a dynamic of "stealing" time and space for myself. I get up at 4:30 in the morning so that I can write without being bothered, anyone else really having to know what I am doing, and without having to set aside time during my already busy days.
I want to slip what I do and what I want under the radar.
Often I will slip into my office to do a little work when it's not "work" time. "Oh, I just want to answer this email...I'll be right there...just a minute."
I steal time for myself by checking out on the kids and spacing out into my own little world.
Having sex with myself is a stolen moment, an unacknowledged experience.
Even my dreams and desire to return to the Camino feels like I am slipping it in, afraid to ask for what I really want.
This became so clear yesterday when my husband, Steve, and I were talking on an early morning hike. I mentioned that a year ago I started walking the Camino. I could feel my first steps out on to the Camino under my feet as I walked the trail up Sanitas Valley. It felt so good. That sharing opened up a conversation between us because Steve actually asked questions about the Camino and when I wanted to return. I got to talk about my desire to walk the Celtic Caminoand lead a group of women on this pilgrimage. I got to talk about my dilemma of walking just from Santiago to Toulouse (when I say "just, I don't mean to minimize it at all. This leg is a 6 week pilgrimage.) or walking in one period of time all the way from Santiago to Rosslyn. I felt sheepish even bringing this up. None of this makes sense, it's so crazy, what am I even thinking. Leaving the family for 6 weeks doesn't make sense, so how can leaving the family for 6 months be any better.
As we talked about all of this, 2 major turning points in the conversation occurred. First is that I realized as I shared about none of this making sense that "that makes sense" is one of the places that I split off. Remember my sharing about my dog Rupert and leaving him behind in England, and how it made so much sense to leave him there. "That makes sense" takes me out of my feelings and desires, even my knowing. Only when my feelings, desires, and knowings make sense are they allowed, or reasonable, or worthy of having. Everything has to make sense to be okay.
I remembered in that moment when my jaw locked open (talk about painful and scary!) during the movie "Stop Making Sense" with the Talking Heads. Yes, I am dating myself, and this would have been 1988 or so when we had a "Stop Making Sense" theme party with our closest friends. Nothing made sense, from what we wore (Steve wore pearls) to how we presented the food (guacamole was put around the central container which contained the chips)! We had so much fun. Later in the evening, we watched the video, "Stop Making Sense" and during the song with the Tom-Tom Club (which was about sex) I yawned and somehow locked my jaw wide open. I couldn't talk, I had a hard time swallowing, and it hurt like hell. Despite our friend's massaging my jaw and being so sure that he could unhinge it, we ended up in the emergency room where the doctors were even quite challenged by this. Plus they just didn't take Steve seriously at all. After all, he was in his pearls! Anyway, after much relaxing and praying on my part, the one doctor finally got my jaw unhinged with his thumbs by pushing down and back. I had to relax so deeply. I had to trust so deeply, just to release and allow my jaw to un-do itself.
And all of this during "Stop Making Sense." There was the message 22 years ago. Sahara, stop making sense. It's not about making sense. If you live your life by making sense, your jaw will lock up. Your life will lock up. And you will not be following your heart, or your path. It's just not about making sense.
It's about knowing what you deeply desire, trusting this, accepting this, and acting on it. And in other words, it's about knowing yourself, loving yourself, trusting yourself, accepting yourself, and acting in accordance with yourself.
Yet all this time I have been trying to make sense of it all, of me, and all this time, I have been split off from who I truly am and what I truly want.
Out of this a-ha came the second turning point of the conversation. Steve totally supports me in my dream and desire to walk the Celtic Camino and to lead a group of women on this pilgrimage. He said that he knows this is who I am and that he loves me, accepts me and supports me. It may not be convenient, it may not make sense, and if this is something that I feel that I have to do, then of course he supports me.
What?
I even had to come back to this later in the day, "Just to clarify..." He said that yes, I'm crazy. Does he wish that I didn't want to do this? Yes, of course. Would he rather I didn't go away to walk? Yes. AND he also knows that this is who I am. He knows that I am a bedouin. He's the one who actually gave me the name "Sahara" - which I realized is actually my soul name which I why I use it here. So I like to think of it that he "reminded" me of my true name. Do you know what a "bedouin" is? A bedouin is a wanderer or nomad, often associated with the Sahara Desert.
I am a bedouin. Accepting this about myself has been one of the most difficult challenges. You are supposed to settle down, live in one house, have a mortgage, stay in one place. Well, I spent a lot of my first years out of college traveling in Europe, living in England, and traveling around Australia. When I got married and moved to Colorado, I couldn't just stay in one house. I have moved us 5 times in the 23 years we've lived here. I've walked part of the El Camino de Santiago.
And now, I want to go back, for 6 months. How can I do this? I am a mother of 4 kids. I have responsibilities here, children to raise. Childen who need me. I am married. What am I thinking? This is crazy. This doesn't make sense...
No, it doesn't. Not at all.
But then life doesn't make sense. And what we truly desire doesn't go away, no matter how hard we push.
I do believe that what is in the highest good of one is in the highest good of all. This may be a justification, but I also know it to be true for others, not just for myself. So if walking the Celtic Camino is in my highest good, and is integral to my life's purpose, then perhaps it is also in the highest good of my children, my family, my marriage, and Steve.
Something shifted for me yesterday in receiving Steve's support. I got that he really gets who I am and that he loves me. Steve knows who I am, in my fullness. He accepts me. He knows that I am a bedouin, and he accepts this is about me. I may not always be easy, but he knows that I am a package deal. He said that we are here together to support each other be who we really are, to live our dreams, and to be our greatest selves. We are not here to keep each other small and safe. We both know that, but it can be so challenging in the midst of marriage, children, mortgages, security, etc. to remember that and to live by that. We forget as we get caught up in the day to day management and logistics of life. It becomes all about safety, security, finances, soccer games, and playing safe with each other.
Yesterday I got that I can come out of the closet with myself and my dreams. I don't have to steal off and nurture my dreams somewhere else. I can own them, nurture them and live them right here, within my marriage and my family. I felt so loved and accepted yesterday. I got that I don't have to hide with Steve. I don't have to make sense with Steve. He loves ME. In turn, I then love and accept myself more deeply.
We talked of creating a new paradigm where we get to "walk" our dreams and be fully who we are, wherever that may take us, withing the love and support of our marriage. We don't have to experience a separation or divorce to create a new life, to strike out on our path. We both can actually consciously choose it now because we know and honor what we want now, and honor our love and marriage now. I don't want this to be the exception. I truly want our total love and acceptance of each other to become the new paradigm for marriage and relationship for everyone. Perhaps yesterday's conversation can be a template within this new paradigm.
Thank you Steve.
So often there is a catalyst to shakes us up, rocks the boat, and takes us out of the day-to-day grind and habits. We can get so dulled by our habits that we can forget why we are truly are and what the purpose of our lives really are. Not that our lives are bad. So often they are good. But are we living, being and doing what we are here to live, do and be? Are we fulfilling our divine purpose? Are we fully living into our divine mission? So often we are fulfilling a part of it, such as raising our children. But just as often, we are split off and disconnected from the "real" reason we are here. We think that it is to be financially secure and stable. We think that it is to raise our children to be good upstanding citizens. We think that it is to have a beautiful house.
How funny, I can hear the words of the Talking Heads song, "Once in a Lifetime":
You may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile. You may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife. You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here? Letting the days so by...Talk about synchronicity!
It's not that our lives are not about those things. Of course children, finances, wonderful homes are important. They can be part of what it is all about. Part of it. They are not all of it. They are not the it.
What's your it? What is your divine purpose, the sacred reason that you are here in this body, living this life, right now?
These are such important, vital questions. As we live into the questions, we create our answers, with each choice and action that we take. Our lives are the answer.
For me, right now, in this moment, my courageous choice is to commit to walking the Celtic Camino in 2011 and to lead women who know that they are to walk this sacred path. Together, one step at a time, we will heal the split within ourselves, within humanity, and for the Feminine, and for the Earth.
This is my Camina.
I am committing. I am committed. Ah Ho.
Deep breath. Much gratitude.
Suseya!
Sahara
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