Typically, the split has been something that I have kept hidden and under wraps for so many years now that it really doesn't even occur to me to talk about it, share it, or reveal it. However, my relationship with the split has been changing. One of the unexpected benefits of doing Pilates 3 times a week and having a consultation with the doctor was that somehow the split was becoming more real. And so was the possibility of surgery. And I have been starting to share and talk about it. I feel as though I am coming out of the closet around it.
I led a workshop the weekend following the consultation and mentioned about the split and the possibility of surgery. One of the women who was attending the workshop said that she had just met someone whose specialty was healing this split. Bella was so surprised because when she met this woman, she said that she had never heard of this split and knew no one who had it. And then within days, here I was sharing my story and she could offer me this resource. Such is the magic of the Universe and synchronicity. Thank you.
I called Lynn several days later and rearranged my kids' schedule so that I could see her later on a Friday afternoon. Lynn is a PT who has been trained in "Diastasis Rehab" with Julie Tepler (www.diastasisrehab.com) who claims you can close the diastasis (the split in the recti abdominus muscles, usually the result of pregnancy) by following the protocol of the Tepler Technique for at least 6 weeks, no matter how big or old it is. First of all, I found out that there is a more medical name for the split - diastasis. Secondly, Lynn was offering a non-surgical option and it really didn't matter how old the split is. I was willing to open to try anything.
Starting the next day as a practice day, and then fully launching into "the program" on the Sunday, I have now been doing the exercise and splint protocol since April 25th for two and a half weeks. I started out doing a series of 5 sets of contractions and 10 sets of horizontal "elevators" so it's nothing to sneeze at! The key to this whole approach is to develop strength in the transverse muscle which is a muscle that wraps around your mid-section from the back. No longer do I get to use the recti muscle because if and when I do, I could cause the split to re-occur. No more sit-ups or Pilates 100s for me - those just exacerbate the problem. Wouldn't you know?!
Another aspect of the program is to wear a special splint designed by Julie Tupler. The purpose of the splint is to approximate (pull together) the separated muscles so they are in closer together when doing the Tupler Technique exercises. So I have been wearing it every day and every night. I feel held and pulled together, despite my tendency to push out. I also have to make sure that my transverse muscle is engaged in all of my activitites, especially when I lie down and get up out of bed. This Thursday I am going to a class with Lynn (a maternity store!) to learn about the advanced exercises and how to use a second splint.
So far I have talked about the elements of the program. But what I am really experiencing is that this process of healing the split is so much more than physical. Doing the exercises and addressing the split on a physical level is serving as the catalyst for the other levels of healing. More specifically, as I do the exercises daily I am feeling a lot of sadness, fear, and frustration come up. I want and need to be alone and be left alone as though I just want to be contained within myself. It has even brought up my need and desire to write about healing the split. It is no accident that I started this blog a couple of weeks into the program.
I am scared that the program is not working and that I will not heal the split, and I will not have a flat belly. I can be so excited and enthusiastic at the beginning of a program, and then I hit a wall of fear and frustration that it's not working for me. Those sabotaging voices in my head are getting louder and more persistent, telling me that of course it's not going to work for me. What was I thinking? Also, I have noticed in the past week or so that I am eating foods that aren't good or healthy for me, as though my body is wanting to sabotage itself as well. Perhaps any compulsions around food are becoming more pronounced as I close the leaks in my body up. It feels like I am craving carbs and sweets - all the foods that make my belly pooch more. Go figure that one.
This is stirring up a lot of stuff. Everything that I have been able to avoid in the past feels like it is being driven up from deep in my belly to be exposed, examined, loved and healed...I added the word "loved" after I had already written the other words. Somehow, that is the lesson underneath all of this, under the split. I get to love everything about me, my body, the split, the feelings that come up. I get to love that I have this split and its gifts to me. I get to heal the split through loving it. I must say that this is so much easier to write about than to actually practice. How do I love this part of myself, this gaping wound, this split when what I am used to is hiding it, ignoring it, hating it? It's all well and good that I am doing the exercises, but the real work is to love, accept and celebrate myself and my belly in the process. Otherwise, nothing is going to change. It would be the same as having the surgery without doing any of the inner work, and chances are good that the split would just come back or something else would rupture.
I have often wondered what is in my belly and trying to get out. What would I be sealing inside when I close the split? Am I trapping something inside that I have been unaware of, and that if trapped, would become septic and putrid? Is there a way that the split has served me to be able to function in the world? What would I be trapping inside?
As I write this, I am brought back to my knowing that shame has caused the split. Shame resides in my belly. Shame fills my belly. This is what is calling on to be healed. I have an opportunity to heal the shame as I heal the split. Simultaneously. It is not one without the other. They are interrelated and interconnected, interwoven as it were. Shame caused the split. The split exacerbates the shame. This is where the true healing work needs to be.
Heal the shame ~ Heal the split.
And time to do my morning exercises!
Suseya,
Sahara
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