Inward!

Last night I went to a gathering with Lynn, the PT who is bringing this technique to heal the split to this area. There were 3 other women there, one who was still on maternity leave! We actually met at a maternity store, so there I was with 3 others who have way more recently had their babies and I must have been older by 15 years. By the way, in case I haven't mentioned it, I am 51 years old.

At the end of the meeting, Lynn was asking about what kind of postpartum support women need. I realized that I am in such a different world now. I loved being in that world when I was there - loved it. Now, I have so moved on with my children. My concerns are with raising teenagers, a 20-year old son who is figuring out how to play music full time with his band, and a 8-year old who always feels left behind. Funnily enough, this isn't even why I left feeling so bad about myself. It would have been great if I had found out that you actually could heal the split years earlier, but I didn't. Even one very young mom shared how people, including her OB, had told her that she just had to live with it. So I'm not the only one who thought that.

My shame was triggered. I left feeling uneasy, set back and uncomfortable with myself and who I am in the world. On one hand, I felt weak and old. On the other hand, I was in a class with women who hold and see things differently than I do. I mostly see my split as a wonderful opportunity to learn about myself and grow - it seems like it is only something to fix for them (which admittedly, I can slip into.) Also, I have never seen a PT before. Nothing against PTs, but I see chiropractors, cranial-sacral therapists, and bodyworkers when my body is out of wack and needs support and alignment. They all had hospital births. I had 4 home-births with midwives who insisted that I have 2 weeks of rest (first week in bed, second week on the couch in the living room or a comfortable chair outside) right after the baby is born so that essentially what a new mother does is sleep (when the baby sleeps), eat, and nurse the baby.

I found myself staying quiet and not saying much during our conversation, except when one woman shared how she had walked 3 miles the days after she came home from the hospital with her newborn baby. Instead of yelling, "What the hell would you do that for?" I spoke up and shared about my midwives insisting that I had to lie down or have my feet up for 2 weeks. I was quickly dismissed, "Oh, you had midwives."

The core challenge for me also lies in wondering if they can accept, and even like, me - even if we make different choices. It sounds so like a young girl, doesn't it? Truthfully, the challenge lies in whether or not I can love and accept myself now matter who I am with or where I am.

This is another way that I split. I let other people determine whether or not I love and accept myself. If they like me, I am okay and I can love myself. If I perceive that they don't like me or don't accept me and or don't agree with my beliefs, I feel ashamed and separate and then I split off from myself.

Yuck. I don't like admitting that to myself.

Earlier today I read this email I received from Abraham-Hicks:

Everything is valid and everything is truthful. The question is, Does their approach feel good to me? And if it doesn't, then I choose a different approach.

It can be that simple. I choose the approach that feels good to me. Others choose the approach that feels good to them.

As I've been writing about this, I saw in my mind's eye walking the Camina from Santiago. I will be walking against the flow. Similar to going against popular opinion. Hmmm...similar to last night's experience. My experiences often do not fit into the dominant paradigm. I am often going against the tide, and I find it extremely uncomfortable, especially when I speak up and "go public." As long as I can stay quiet and under the radar, I am okay. But an experience like last night, even though there were only very few people there was very challenging for me.

All part of preparation for La Camina. I will be walking in the opposite direction from hundreds of people every day, especially as I cross Spain, the most popular part of the El Camino. Imagine walking away from a destination that everyone else is walking toward. Everyday.

More and more people are walking the El Camino to Santiago. It is a very special and sacred pilgrimage. As you walk toward Santiago, other pilgrims and the locals wish you "Buen Camino" or the more traditional, but less well known blessing, "Ultreya!" which means "Onward!" Back in the days before trains, planes and automobiles, pilgrims would then have to walk home after their arrival in Santiago. Imagine that. Their journey home was their time to integrate the lessons, blessings and challenges of the Camino. It was a pilgrimage in and of itself. The traditional blessing for walking home is "Suseya!" which means "Upward!" - home to God.

I love Suseya, which is why I use it as my closing salutation. For me, it means the journey home to one's true self, the god/goddess within, our own divine spark, our own divinity. Perhaps I shall re-translate it to be "Inward!"

Last year I had the honor and privilege to walk with Sue Kenney, suekenney.ca, a most beautiful and seasoned pilgrim. She is currently walking her 6th Camino and I am following her pilgrimage on her Facebook page, Suseya. As I read her posts, I can feel the path beneath my feet. Sue lives by her words, "when the Camino ends, the journey begins." Sue also lives into the question, "What would the Camino do/say?" It has transformed her life. If you want to read more, she has written several wonderful books, The Camino, and Confessions of a Pilgrim. I highly recommend them.

I keep being called back to La Camina. How I live my life is how I will walk La Camina. I am walking La Camina in my daily life now. Every day is a journey. Every day is an opportunity to ask myself, "What would La Camina say? What would La Camina do?" She is right here with me right here. How I walk today determines how I walk La Camina. How I become awake and aware to this actually contributes to how I will walk the Camina next year when I return to walk from Santiago and ultimately to Rosslyn.

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” -Ursula K. LeGuin

Suseya,
Sahara