Katie

My god, I am the first and only person who can do these exercises to strengthen the transverse and heal the split in my belly everyday, faithfully, for nearly 4 weeks and have a bigger belly.  My splint is getting too small.  My belly keeps getting bigger.  How weird is that.  And totally discouraging.  And frustrating.  And challenging.

I got to go for a short little walk yesterday while my daughter was getting her hair cut on one of my favorite trails, the Bobolink.  It has a great view of the Flatiron, it follows a creek and it is the most "woods"like of all the trails around.  Lots of deciduous trees.  Yesterday was especially beautiful - apple blossoms out in full bloom, the creek raging from all of the rain, the air thick with blossom scent.  I didn't walk far or fast.  I am very quiet these days, just wanting to take naps, sit quietly, walk slowly.  There was a spot down by the creek that called me to it, so I went and just sat by the creek, mezmerized by the sound of the water.

It feels like a part of me is resisting this whole plan to heal the split.  In sitting by the creek, I decided to ask and listen.  I actually received a very clear answer.  The part of me that is a little girl (that was interesting, I just typed "gift" before I re-typed in "girl") is freaking out.  She has no idea what I'm doing, feels like I'm ramming another decision down her throat, and is wondering what's going to happen to her.  As I felt her fear and insecurity, a lot came up for me.

I remembered that when I first moved here over 23 years ago, I took a journaling class that opened up my inner world.    I plunged into deep inner work.  I discovered that my Inner Child was hiding out and cowering in my belly, in my womb, actually.  I had put her there to both keep her safe and to keep out of sight.  She embodied my shame, and I was ashamed of her.  I was ashamed of my shame and wanted her out of sight, out of mind.

As I write this, I am remembering that during "pregnancy" ritual I did back in the summer of 1989, I committed to birthing this little girl I had stuffed into my belly; to bringing her out into the light to be a conscious part of my life, and to integrating her fully into who I was becoming.

I didn't do that.  I was actually pregnant with my son, and all of my focus and attention went to him, and then his sister, and then his brother, and then his youngest sister.  Here I am 20 years later, and she is still trying to get my attention.

Somehow I know I had better pay attention this time.

I have named her Katie, or Katherine.  This is my middle name, that is my mother's middle name, my grandmother's name, and even on further back.  It is also my oldest daughter's name.  There is a lineage of women in my family who have been separated and split off from their power and essence.  My intention is to complete that chain of separation.  The buck stops here.  I commit to healing the split, for all generations forwards and backwards, in all dimensions, in all times lines, forever.  And so it is.  Ah - Ho.

My split in my belly is the doorway and the invitation to this healing.  I accept its invitation.

Katie lives deep in my belly.  If I close my belly up, she is stuck deep inside forever.  She is terrified that I will seal her up, and never fulfill my promise to her from 21 years ago.

I have made her my shame.  She carries it, she holds it, she embodies it.  I want to like her, to accept her, to bring her out into the daylight, but how can I reveal her to anyone, much less myself?

Yesterday as I sat by the creek, I heard myself say to her, "Katie, you are not the shame.  You hold it, but you are not it.  Please know this."  I know this intellectually, and I had a glimpse into feeling it yesterday by the creek.  But truthfully, I relate to her as my shame, so no matter what I say I will do to bring her out, I never follow through on it. I have wanted her stuffed down inside of me, as far away from others seeing her as possible.

I am terrified of what she would reveal to the world...to me.

And now she is challenging and thwarting all my efforts and intentions to heal the split in my belly.

Of course.

Whenever I try and do something without her participation or agreement, she balks and throws massive resistance at me to divert me from my latest mission.  And she always wins.  I always get sidetracked and diverted.  It's like I get amnesia and forget what I am really up to.

I have to WORK WITH her on this one.  I cannot do this by myself.  I have to, no get to, reconcile with Katie and work with her to heal the split.  Otherwise, the split is still the split.  My relationship with her is part of the split.  To heal the split without healing and reconciling with Katie is a non sequitur.  It is not healing the split. It can only be a splint to pull the muscles together.  Funny that last night was the first night that I did not sleep with the splint on - I had to wash and dry it overnight.   Not wearing it has given me this opportunity to realize that I have really been trying to heal the split without her, and I can't.  It's impossible. 

I remember when my dog, Molly, gashed open her chest on a rock in a creek.  She had a big flap of skin that when pulled back revealed a gaping bloody wound.  We took her to the vet and got her stitched up.  She seemed like she was healing really well, until several weeks later, the wound burst back open, as if no healing had taken place at all during those few weeks.  When we took her back to the vet, he discovered a piece of grass inside of the wound.  It's that grass that gets inside and buries itself deeper and deeper into your skin, causing serious damage.  Molly's body was doing its best to push it back it, even if it meant re-opening the wound.  It was trying to get into her heart which was very close to this wound. 

I often think of this as a metaphor for the healing of my belly.  If I try to fix my belly with just exercises, stitches and splints, I will be locking in the shame that I have carried around for years, and it will fester and cause great damage.  It could actually make me very sick.  Or Katie will just push the split back open from the inside, bursting back open the "wound."

Right now, the shame can leak out so that it maintains a level of homeostasis.  Not too much, not too little...just enough to maintain a level of shame that I have become very used to, and that Katie has learned to live with.  She survives side-by-side with it, and actually has become very identified with it.  She is not the shame, but she has become very identified with it.  That's interesting.  I hadn't realized that before.  She is used to a certain level of it to justify her fears, staying small and hidden, and safe.

So it's not just me not asking her to come out.  It is just as much her wanting to stay safe and hidden.  Yet always with an open door, an open split, that she can come in and out of as she chooses.  So healing the split is closing the door on her, and not only takes away her ability to come out, but also takes away her choice to stay hidden.

Healing the split changes the dynamics of this game we've been playing and she doesn't like change and not being included in the game change.  And she will do whatever she has to do to resist and thwart the change - even make my belly really big and fat and more conspicuous.  Especially that, because she knows how terrified I am of a big, fat, conspicuous belly.  We are locked in a power play with each other.  So I had better pay attention to her, starting now.

Suseya!
Sahara