Sneaking

It's a gorgeous Sunday morning and I'm up before anyone else.  I love this time of the day.  I still feel connected to the quiet place within myself.  It's my favorite time to write, to be, to reflect, to be with myself. 

As I check in with my belly today, I am aware of feeling unsure.  It's similar to being in a new place and culture and while you may be able to be visiting, you're really not quite sure of what it's all about.  Everything is quite unfamiliar and you don't know how to read the signposts yet or what they really mean.  I remember arriving in Greece years ago and having that experience.  There were no signposts with our typical English letters ; it was all in Greek letters and Greek words.  It was "all Greek to me.!"

That's somilar to how I am feeling in my belly today.  "It's all Greek to me."  I am not sure what the signposts are saying, much less directing me to.  Strange feeling.  I feel lost and quite clueless. 

Last night we had an adults' night out with my brother and sister-in-law and my father, who is in town visiting for a week.  I had been looking forward to this time together, but I slightly noticed that I wasn't fully in my body when we were eating dinner.  I wore these different glasses, and I swear that the precriptoin is wrong.  I get really spacey and headachey when I wear them.  So why do I wear them?  I wanted to wear something different last night, plus  I like how they look on me.  Never choose glasses just becuase they look good on you.  They have to be the right prescription too.    I ended up leaving and taking the bus home from the Creek Festival concert we went to after our meal.  I just didn't feel like myself at all.  All I wanted was to come home and go to sleep.

Which I did.  And I am noticing that I still feel a little funny and disconnected, like I unplugged something last night.  What got disconnected? 

What is the truth in my belly right now?

I am feeling very scared about all that I have to do for work right now.  We are launching a new monthly class in Own It Sister, and I am launching my WEALTHY Woman Workshop for the end of July.  With both of these, we are using a marketing launch system that requires a steep learning curve, lots of new opt-in pages, reminders, emails, Facebook tweets, and sales.  Sales.  Thank goodness that we are using the same system to market and launch, but today I have to do so much and I am terrified. 

I need to spend most of the day working on this, and I am really scared that it is not okay for me to work and do what I need to do.  It's bringing up that dynamic of sneaking again.  Somehow I have it that's it's not okay for me to work or do anything separate from the family.  If they're around, I have to be doing family stuff and be available to be with them.  It's one thing to clean the kitchen and do laundry, but it's another thing to be on my computer working.  So I sneak in here and work until I get caught. 

I know that this sounds really weird.  It feels weird to me too.  I want to just brush it off, deny it, not deal with it, but there is a dynamic here that I need to look at and see where else it plays out in my life.

There is this either/or thing going on inside of me.  Either I am doing what I am supposed to be doing or I am sneaking in doing and being what I truly want to do.  What I am supposed to be doing is externally defined - it's what I think that others think I should be doing.  It's what I should be doing.  On the other hand, what I truly want to do is about me, what I want, how I want to do it.  I can feel that this is selfish, unacceptable, not contributing to others, being separate, not being part of the larger group around me.  There's lot of judgement about my doing what I really want to do.

All of this creates a huge tension inside of me.  So I constantly do what others want and expect me to do, as my way of diffusing the tension, not having to stand up for myself and  have boundaries.  So I end up sneaking around, sneaking off to create and do what I want to create and do.

On top of all this, or perhaps more accurately, is my fear that I cannot do all this and that I can't learn what I need to do.  We are using a new email marketing system, and I have to learn a new system.  And then for my business I have signed up to use another system. Is this just crazy?  Sometimes I just want to pull out of the system I signed up for but I also think that there may be something to it that will totally support me to grow my business. 

My fears.  Tension over what I want to do and what I perceive everyone else - my family - wants me to do.  The steep learning curve.  Marketing.  Sales. 

So interesting that how I respond is to split.  I split from my family last night and came home by myself.  I was so happy to come home.

I get up early by myself so that I can write and feel connected to myself.

I sneak off into my office to work.

So this is what I am going to do today.  I am going to let my family know that I have to work for the morning at least.  It's similar to when my kids have homework.  I have to do my homework this morning.  I am going to do what I can, figure out what I can, and then ask for help and support when I need to.   So right now I am going to finish this blog, switch gears, get a delicious cup of chai, and get to work on that steep learning curve with the new email marketing program, and create a newsletter by the end of the morning.

Deep breath into my belly. I ask for its support to hold me and contain me as I dive into creating this morning from being in the open about what I am doing, and asking for what I need.  No sneaking around. 

I create this day from recognizing that I am perfect, whole and complete, and from this wholeness, I create and generate from clarity, focus, ease and grace.

Thank you.

Suseya!
Sahara